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Bomber Bomber goes into a pet shop, puts bomb on the counter and says "You all have 5 minutes to get out before this bomb goes off". Tortoise in the back room shouts....."You Bastard!!"
Dead Rabbit This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
Great Dane "Terrible day," said the Great Dane as he complained to his wife. "Work was bad, but then I got on the bus and it was completely packed with small dogs." "Well," replied the missus, "that's what you get for riding during peke hours."
Skunks Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods. Out went home, and his mother said, "Where's In? Go and get him, there's a good boy." So Out went back into the woods and returned very shortly after with his brother. "That's a good boy," said Mother Skunk, "how did you find him so easily?" " Easy", said the little skunk.... "In stinked......"
Armadillo An armadillo wakes up one morning, yawns, stretches looks down... and notices that his tool is missing. Panic stricken, he runs through the forest looking for it and bumps into the lion. "Mr Lion, Mr Lion" he squeeks "I've lost my tool, have you seen it?" "No" replies the lion "What does it looks like?" "Well, it's really distinctive" says the armadillo" "It's got 3 points on it" "Well, I'll keep my eyes out for it" roars the lion. The armadillo runs off, hunting furiously,and a short while later, he meets the giraffe "Mr Giraffe, Mr Giraffe" he squeeks "I've lost my tool, have you seen it?" "No, Its not here in the tree tops" replies the giraffe "What does it looks like?" "Well, you can't miss it" says the armadillo" "It's got 3 points on it" "Well, I'll keep my eyes out for it" says the giraffe. The armadillo runs off again, still hunting furiously,and a short while later, he meets the ... (3 or 4 animals later) jaguar... "Mr Jaguar, Mr Jaguar" he squeaks "I've lost my tool, have you seen it?" "Yes" replies the jaguar "I've eaten it" "You what" sqeals the armadillo "What did you did that for?" "Because I'm a 3 point tool eater Jaguar"
Bulls There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake. struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this, went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
I Cannot Forget You! As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you ... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out ... you friggin' mosquito!
Crossing Since it seems that gene-splicing has become a reality, all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a centipede are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few examples of what could happen. Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers and you'll get a Rhesus Peanut Buttercup. Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon and you'll get a Sassoon. An animal that lurks in the suburbs at night, catches unwary women and styles their hair. Cross an armadillo with a hammerhead shark and you can keep your refrigerator smelling fresh with an Arm & Hammerhead shark. Cross a male grouse with a female dog and get a bird dog that's always complaining, a Grouse-and-Bitch. Cross a parrot with an alligator and when the Parrigator asks you for a cracker, you'd be well advised to give it one. Cross a sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a Shag-carpette. Splice the genes of 63,360 inchworms and get a Mile-worm. An Impossabull is what you get when you make a three-way cross between an impala, a possum and a bull. It's a 2000 lb. antelope that hangs from trees and drops down on unsuspecting matadors. Here's an interesting five-way cross. An Alaskan King Crab, a kingfisher, a jackrabbit, a jackass and a jackal. This gives you a Full House. Cross a rabbit with an amoeba and you'll get an Amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time. Cross a grasshopper and a hippopotamus, and you get a Grasshoppapotamus, a short-lived creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. Cross a coyote with an ass, and the results are a Doncoyote. This is an ass that brays at windmills and tilts at the moon. Cross a lion with an ocelot and you get a political animal, the Lialot, close relative to the Cheetalot. Cross a racehorse with a hog and you get a Thoroughpig. Cross a sheep with a porcupine and you get a Sheepupine. It not only supplies you with wool but will also knit you a sweater. Cross a male sheep, a baby sheep, an Australian wild dog and a donkey and get ... Aram-alam-ading-donk. A combination of a lamprey eel and a baboon created at a famous American college gives you the Harvard Lampoon. A coward and a hyena gives you the laughing stock of the party, the Cowena. Cross a snake with a canary and you get a bird that sings with a lisp, the Snary. Cross a lamb with a camel to produce sweaters with bumps (especially for the ladies), the Lamel. Cross aloe vera with baby's breath and get the ingredients for the French comeon, Aloebaby.
Salmon Two Atlantic salmon are having lunch at a nice seashore restaurant. One of them lifts a waterglass and starts waving it in the air. A waiter sees this and says to a bus boy, "I believe there's a fish out of water at table three".
Lions
Two lions walking along Sauchiehall Street,
The Snake And The Rabbit Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management"
Roosters An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster.I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ....... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
In The Jungle
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
Zoo Bloke starts new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First he is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He asks another lion, "What's the food like here?" And the lion says: "Brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"
Two Dogs Two dogs were walking down the street.
Dog 1 : "Do you use any protection when you're having sex?"
Dog Philosophy
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
My dog is worried about the economy because dog food is up to £1.00 a can. That's almost £7.00 in dog money!
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from Tesco with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
Cat New Years Resolutions My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files. I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up. I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
Sheep Dog
"How many sheep do you think we have?" Farmer Giles asked his dog.
Monkey What do you call a monkey with dynamite? A baBOOM!
No-Bell Peace Price John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Sheep Woe An animal orthodontist who practiced in Chumley Martin was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!" The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces. When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.
Gorilla Removers Man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull terrier. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
Animals Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
Penguin A penguin goes into a pub and says to the barman'Have you seen my Dad? Barman says 'I don't know. What does he look like?
Posh Pussy In Kensington, there lived a rich cat that was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbour, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for. Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had. "Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy." "For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, ... "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed?"
Monkeys A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains they were her favourite pets and she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist. "Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."
New Birds The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me of his job. His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different specie of birds. First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a "Phen." Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a "Phoose." Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck. He called it ... "Charlie."
Management Theory Implemented Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at Sainsbury's, but he always dreamed of being rich. "Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!" Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot......I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class." So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying. On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly. Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let nay-sayers get in my way." So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud). Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs. And with that, he threw Felix out the window.(THUD) On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling, he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?" From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow.... so he just said: "OK. Let's go." And out the window he went. Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. But try as he might, he couldn't fly. By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said: "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly: "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky. Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder." The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said: "Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"
Problem Solved? A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette. Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen. He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment. Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic. It seems their son's favourite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
Dancing Duck A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Vet's Bills A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried - "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00.
Bees Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."
Things cats should remember Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. Or picking it up with my mouth and shaking it from side to side. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee. The goldfish likes living in water and doesn't want to come out and play. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. The large dog in the back garden has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. Just because I hear voices in my head, I don't have to answer them!
Rottweiler This bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," say the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the bloke. "No," replies the vet, "Because he's heavy."
Pterodactyl
Why don't you hear anything when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?
What do you call an Aardvark With a flick knife?
A heart-warming story While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day .... One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then......................
Wasps Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now" Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those." "I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!" "I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
Swans Male swans are gravely concerned about the spread of the potentially deadly H5N1 virus within their gender, in marked contrast to their female counterparts. The hens, as usual, have no clucking flu.
Storks Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night. When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, "Papa, where were you all night, last night?" Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy." Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning. When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?" "I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed. Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning. Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?" "Out scaring the s**t out of college students," Baby Stork giggled.
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Gnus Once upon a time in the enchanted forest there lived three gnus. There was a mummy gnu. There was a daddy gnu. And there was a baby gnu. One day there was nothing to eat at dinner time. So the daddy gnu decided to go out into the forest and collect some nuts and berries for dinner. Just then baby gnu piped up and said "Bleah! Nuts and berries again!" So the daddy gnu went out into the forest. Little did he know that it was hunting season for gnus. And as he was walking along... BLAM! BLAM! ... the hunter killed him dead in his tracks. After a while, mummy gnu decided that old pops must be lost out in the forest. So she said "Baby, you be a good gnu while I go out to look for your old man." She didn't know it was hunting season for gnus either. And as she was walking along... BLAM! BLAM! The hunter killed her dead in her tracks. After a while, baby gnu was getting a little lonely and decided to go out and look for his parents. He didn't know it was hunting season either. And as he was walking along... BLAM! BLAM! The hunter got him too. Shot him on the trail. Killed him dead in his tracks. Well....That's the gnus. The weather in a moment.
This farmer had a sick cat and called the Vet in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was. After being told the Vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil. The farmer asked "A whole pint," and the Vet replied "sure that'll fix it right up." The next day the Vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along. "You fool!" the farmer exclaimed, "That wasn't a calf, it was a cat." The Vet said "Oh my goodness, did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?" "Sure did" the farmer replied. "What happened, where's the cat now" asked the Vet. The farmer pointing said "The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder hill with five others, two were digging, two were covering up and one was scouting for new territory."
The Fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper................ THE CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END. THE BRITISH VERSION (sad but true): The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh? The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to Hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council. The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant). The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing Operations and terrorize the community. THE END.
Holy Parrots A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time." Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered"
Goldfish Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage." The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day. I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened. I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular. I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere! (A joke by Chistian Cook, who has a wonderful website - see the "Other Great Sites" link on homepage.
A man goes to the zoo.
One night a vampire bat flies back to his cave. He's hanging there, trying to get some kip, when one of his mates realises he's covered in blood. "Where'd you get it, where'd you get it?" they kept asking him but he was very reluctant to answer. Finally he gives in to the peer pressure, so he says to them all, ok follow me. He flies out of the cave, down a gorge, over a few hills, until he reaches a forest, where he sets down on a large rock. They all cluster around him, saying, "Yes? Yes? Now what", to which he replies, "See that large oak tree over there? Well, I bloody well didn't!"
Donkeys
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love
while breaking wind?
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love
while breaking wind. Wearing blue suede shoes?
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love
while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the
piano?
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love
while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing the piano
and driving a truck?
Eagles Two Moutainers were climbing a peak when they slip and fall to their deaths. As their souls are rising they spot two eagles nesting on the rock face. One soul turns to the other and says "Ah eagles" However the eagles being polite say nothing.
Two fleas on Kojak's head, one turns to the other and says "don't look now we're on telly"
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Stray Cat Rules. 1. Stray cats will not be fed. 2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food. 3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. 4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. 5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence. 6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. 7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. 8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time. 9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times. 10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y". 11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture. 12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture. 13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches. 14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand. 15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high- impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter. 16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room. 17. Stray cats will sleep outside. 18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. 19. Stray cats will sleep in the house. 20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket. 21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow. 22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed. 23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot. 24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers. 25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot. 26. Stray cats will not play on the desk. 27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer. 28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
So a little zebra is sitting around thinking, 'Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?' He decides to ask the Master Zebra and runs off to find Him. When he finds him he asks, "Master Zebra am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" The master zebra replies, "Only the great creator knows that answer you must ask him to find the truth." So a couple of days go by and the little zebra is sitting in the meadow when all of a sudden the clouds split, lightning is striking everywhere and the great creator comes walking out of the sky. The little zebra walks up to him and asks, "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" The great creator looks at him and says, "You are what you are my son!" The little zebra is puzzled by this answer but very excited and he runs to the master zebra and says, "I just saw the great creator and asked my question." "What did he say?", asked the master zebra. "He said to me you are what you are! What does this mean master?" "Well," the master zebra replied, "It means you're a white zebra with black stripes." "How do you figure?" responds the little zebra. And the master zebra tells him, "Well if you were a black zebra with white stripes he would have said, 'You is what you is.'
An elderly lady takes her rather limp pet duck to her vet. The vet takes a quick look at it and tells her "Sorry but your duck is dead!". The lady replies "How can you tell. You've hardly looked at it! The duck may be in a coma. I want a proper examination". The vet leaves the examination room and returns with a black labrador. The dog places his front paws on the examination table, sniffs the prostrate duck, turns to look at the vet and with doleful eyes sadly shakes his head. The dog then leaves the room. A cat runs in and jumps upon the table and after sniffing the duck for a while turns to the vet and lets out a pitiful meow before leaving the room. The vet then says to the elderly lady "Sorry but your duck is 100% dead." He then turns towards his computer and prepares his bill which he passes to the woman. The lady takes one look at the bill and excalims "£120 just for telling me that my duck's dead!". The vet replies "Well if you'd have taken my diagnosis then it would have been £20 but since you didn't....... the rest is for the lab report and the cat scan!"
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop; the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose." Mummy and Daddy Monkey were getting ready for bed. Mummy Monkey decided to have a quick bath before hitting the sack, so she went into the bathroom and filled the bath. Daddy Monkey joined her in the bathroom, just as she was getting into the bath. Mummy Monkey turned to Daddy monkey and said: "Oooo ooo oo ooo oo oo ahh ah ah ah ahhhhh" Daddy Monkey replied: "Well put some cold water in then."
DOG LETTERS TO GOD Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street! Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologise? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again? Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
Squiffy arrested for latest fund raising prank! A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses them in clown suits. So far six gorillas have been found wandering around in this condition. A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick sense of humour. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks."I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."So the man puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the l adder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner."If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
A penguin walks into a bar. He says to the barman, "Has my grandad been in here tonight?" The barman says, "I don't know - what's he look like?"
CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and fiddles the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. POST-MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and fiddles the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. ITV shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. You and yours of radio 4 features daily live coverage. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Bishop of Durham, Green Peace, and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. Channel 4 interrupts a Westcountry cultural festival special on cider making with this breaking news, and broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Over at the BBC John Prescot rants on PM that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." In response to polls, the Labour Party liberals draft the Equal Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act (EEEGAD), retroactive to the beginning of summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government confiscates his home. The ant moves to a poorer part of Birmingham and suffers a tornado strike on his home. In a follow-up report on Panorama shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though spring is still months away, while the ex-council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hadn't been able to afford to re-build it (he was refused insurance due to the tv coverage). Inadequate government funding is blamed, Peter Mandleson is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost 35 million. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, and the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
This chap is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The man says out loud, "Gosh!, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the man laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Really?" The man asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot whatnot around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the man, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both French and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The man looks at the price tag. "£200!" He says, "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the man closer with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for £20 just make an offer." The man offers 20 quid and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The man goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman." "What?" says the man. "Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" Asks the man. "Then the postman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the man says, "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her neck and slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic man. "I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."
She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress -- sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. Then he said, "Now, tell him you have a headache."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."
Q. What's a polygon?
Some buffalo were placidly grazing on the open range when a cowboy rode up. He stared at them for several minutes and then blurted out, "You are such ugly creatures! Your hind legs are longer than your front ones; you have humps on your backs, shaggy hair, beady eyes, and tails with bushes on the end. Ugh! Disgusting!" Then he rode away. "Gee," one buffalo remarked to another, "I think we just heard a discouraging word."
When nine soldiers who had been out on passes failed to show up for morning roll call, the commanding officer was furious. Not until 7PM did the first man straggle in. "I'm sorry sir," the soldier explained, "but I had a date and lost track of time and I missed the bus back. Being determined to be back on time, I hired a cab. Half way here the cab broke down. I went to a farmhouse and persuaded the farmer to sell me a horse. I was riding to camp when the animal fell over dead. I walked the last ten miles and just got here." Although sceptical, the colonel accepted the soldiers story and let him off with a warning. 15 minutes later the second of the nine struggled in "I'm sorry sir," the soldier explained, "but I had a date and lost track of time and I missed the bus back. Being determined to be back on time, I hired a cab. Half way here the cab broke down. I went to a farmhouse and persuaded the farmer to sell me a horse. I was riding to camp when the animal fell over dead. I walked the last ten miles and just got here." The colonel realising the plot severely reprimanded the soldier and confined him to quarters. Over the next hour six more soldiers returned each with exactly the same story. By the time the last man arrived the colonel was furious. "Don't tell me," he bellowed, "you had a date and lost track of time and you missed the bus back. Being determined to be back on time, you hired a cab. Half way here the cab broke down. You went to a farmhouse and persuaded the farmer to sell you a horse. You were riding to camp when the animal fell over dead. You walked the last ten miles and just got here." "Not quite," said the soldier. "It is true I did have a date, I did miss the bus and I did hire a cab to get me back here on time unfortunately, the cabbie couldn't get past all the dead horses!!"
Q. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A. If they flew over bays they would be baygulls
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin......................... and tonic." The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?" The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
Two fleas won the Lottery, so they decided to buy a dog in Spain!
Two pretty young women run into the bar from the golf course, where they have been playing. One says to the barman "quick, have you got any antiseptic cream? My friend has been badly stung by a wasp". The barman turns to the other young woman and asks "where were you stung?" She replies "just in between the first and second hole". The barman looks at her and says "I reckon your stance may be a little wide".
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary . . Mary". "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course."
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But honestly Officer, it was all for a good cause!
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