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Dear Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through. How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government? How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my national insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die! I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fourth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap. Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally hacked off! I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN... Yours sincerely, An Irate British Citizen.
Scottish Style Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do yee charrrge forrrr an hourrr?" "£100," she replies. So he asks, "Okay, do yee do Scottish style?" She says "No!" He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Scottish style?" She then says no, not knowing what Scottish style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give yee £500 to go Scottish style with me!" Finally she agrees thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?" So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?" The Scotsman replies... "I'll pay ye next week"."
Gordon Brown's Dog
Downing Street, January 2008: Ed Balls asks what's the matter. GB: "According to the newspapers, every single thing I do is wrong. Not one single good news story in six months. What can I do? EB: "Well, the papers love human interest stories. Particularly stories that are about animals. I'll see what I can rustle up." Ed Ball comes back next day. EB: "Here's a great one. It'll cost quite a lot, but we've found a bloke with an absolutely amazing dog that can actually walk on water. He's willing to sell it to you at a price." Gordon agrees the price, musing ruefully that if only he hadn't sold all those gold reserves, he could have effectively got it for less than a third the price he had to pay. But still, it's only tax-payers' money. Next day they arrange a press conference by the lake in St. James' Park. All the main scribes are there. Gordon takes the dog to the edge of the lake, picks up a stick and throws it about 50 feet across the lake into the water. The dog daintily tiptoes out from the edge on top of the water and walks on top of the water all the way across to the stick and retrieves it without even getting his ankles wet. "Well at least that's got to get us a good write-up", says Ed to Gordon. Next day, they can hardly wait to open the newspapers. And the Daily Mail has the screaming headline: "GORDON BROWN'S DOG CAN'T SWIM"
Prince Charles Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Everyday, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!' One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight git?!'
Faux Pas Young Jeeves had just finished his course on being a gentleman's gentleman when his instructor asked him whether there was anything that he didn't understand or any questions he had to ask. Well there is one thing that I don't quite understand. A lot has been said about faux pas and savoir-faire and I don't quite know what the difference is. The easiest way to explain is to relate a story, replied the instructor. As you will probably know Winston Churchill and Lady Aster both had a passion for roses. One afternoon they were in the garden picking roses when Winston pricked his finger on a rose thorn. It bled quite a bit and they then went back to the house and bandaged it up. Later that evening you are serving dinner, Lady Aster asks Winston, how's your prick? and you carry on serving as if nothing has happened, well that is savoir-faire. But when Winston replies It's still throbbing but it has gone down a bit and you drop a bowl of soup in Lady Aster's lap, that is what we call a faux pas.
 Gay Bar A scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror. He then proceeds to punch the living crap out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The scouser then dusted himself down, and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless. Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened: Barman: "Bloody hell mate - what on earth did he whisper to you?" Scouser: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'job'"
Scottish Wedding Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Mary," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. "Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here lass and stir this mince." Donald MacDonald Donald MacDonald, from Scotland was admitted into the prestigious Oxford University in England. His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper-class of education, but they were concerned how he would do in "that strange land". After the first month, his mother came to visit. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night." "Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them; I stay here quietly playing my bagpipes..."
Scotsman
A Scotsman came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber's car in the front of his house.
Q: What's black and annoyed? A: The reincarnation of Bernard Manning. Sgt. McTavish Sergeant McTavish of the Highland Regiment swaggered into a pharmacy. He placed a battered condom on the counter and asked the chemist how much it would cost to repair it. The chemist held the damaged item up to the light. "I could launder it and disinfect it, vulcanise a patch on the holes and tears in the side and insert a new elastic around the top, but if you take my advice it would be almost as cheap to buy a new one." McTavish could recognise sales talk when he heard it and said he would think it over. He returned next morning. "You've persuaded us," he declared, "the regiment has decided to invest in a new one.
Are You A True Scot? U know you are a true Scot if........... 1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan Milngavie, Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufur***sake. 2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie. 3. Ye get four seasons in wan day. 4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert. 5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink. 6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class! 7. Ye measure distance in minutes. 8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family. 9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean. 10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds. 11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it. 12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date. 13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel. 14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop. 15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it. 16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel. 17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure. 18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums. 19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals. 20. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words...
how's it hingin
Phone Ins Following the GMTV phone in scandal, Man Utd are suing UEFA for allowing them to enter a competition they had no chance of winning...........
England Sex Theme Park In England they've opened the world's first sex theme park. You know what is really embarrassing? When a guy flunks the "You must be this big to get on this ride" test.
Did You Hear.............. ...about the Scouse family that won the lottery? The wife asked her husband what to do about all the begging letters, to which he replied,'No problem, just keep on sending them out'.
Scottish Fruit Cake
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??
Glasgow How do you know when you're staying in Glasgow? When you call the hotel desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the response is "go ahead".
Guiness Book Of Records Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were hanging out together enjoying a cup of coffee outside a cafe when Sleeping Beauty said to the other two - "I know I'm said to be the most beautiful girl in the world, but really I'd like it authenticated by some respectable arbitrators." "Me too" said Tom Thumb "because it's universally acknowledged I'm the smallest man in the world, but it's never been officially recorded". "Well, in that case", piped up Quasimodo, "everyone knows I'm the ugliest person in the world and I'd very much like to have the fact recorded too." "What about trying the Guiness Book of Records?" suggested T. Thumb. The others thought this a good idea. Accordingly they went to the headquarters of the GB of R and were asked to wait and they would be interviewed and their claims considered. Sleeping Beauty was first to meet the arbitrator and came out of the office all smiles and looking even more beautiful. "That's it", she said. I'm now officially the most beautiful girl in the world. The man asked if you'd go in next Tom." In went Tom and some time later emerged from the office looking highly delighted and proclaimed he too had been given authentication of his claim to be the smallest man in the world. "He wants to see you next, Quasimodo" said Tom. So in went Quasimodo. His interview was much shorter than the others' had been and when he came out he was in a state of great distress: weeping, sobbing and desperately upset. The other two rushed to him asking "Whatever's the matter, Quasimodo? Tell us what's gone wrong." Poor Quasimodo looked at them piteously and asked "Who's this Cherie Blair?"
Shug Falls Off A Building Three Glaswegians were working on a high-rise building project - Shug, Tam and Tam. Shug falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Sumwan needs tae go an tell his missus." Tam says, "Aye. OK, Ah'll dae it. I'm pretty good at aw that sensitive stuff, Nae borra." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Tennants Lager. Wee Eck says, "Where did you get that, Tam?" "Shug's missus gied it tae me," Tam replies. "That's unbelievable, you telt the wummin that her man was deid and she gied ye aw that beer?" "Well no exactly," Tam says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Shug's widow'. She said, 'Naw, I'm no a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Tennants Lager you are'."
Glasgow Restaurant An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."
Scouse Eggs Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his panda car and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the blighters have managed to nick a motorbike already...
English Hillwalker An English hillwalker, lost in the Highlands and desperate for food and water, was hauling his sorry ass through the heath and heather when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find civilisation, he stumbled toward the object, only to find a little old Scotsman sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Englishman asked, "I'm hungry and my thirst is killing me. Do you have food or water?" The Scotsman man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £150. This one goes very nicely with your rucksack." The Englishman shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!" "OK," said the old Scotsman, "it disnae matter that you dinnae want to buy a tie. Just tae show you how hospitable we Scots are, I'll help ye oot with directions.. If you go ower that hill to the east for aboot two miles, you will find a lovely wee restaurant, they will have all the food and water you need!" The Englishman, without a word of thanks, strode away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Englishman came back to where the old Scot was sitting at his table. The Scotsman said, "I telt you, about two miles ower that hill. Could you not find it? "I found it all right," rasped the Englishman. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Midget Glasgow train from Queen St to Bishopbriggs was very busy. At the next stop a midget got on, an actual, proper wee dwarf midget with a Victoria Wines carry-oot bag. It was quite busy on the train, there was no room for his bag on the seat beside him, he was looking up at the overhead rack. A good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to put that up for you mate?" "Aye, please" he said, and it was done. But it wasn't up right and when the train moved, a half bottle of vodka fell out the bag and smashed on the floor. The midget stood up, his face red with rage, the inspector came along to see what was going on. The inspector asked if it was his bag, The midget says "Aye...and Ah'm no happy !!. A voice from the back of the carriage shouts out " Well . . . . . . . whit one are you then ?" The Englishman who had wrecked the dwarf's cerry-oot on the train felt a bit peckish. He went into a baker's shop in Bishopbriggs high street. Pointing to the display he said to the assistant "Is than a cream cake or a meringue?" She said "Naw, yer right enuff, it's a cream cake"
Prostitute A fella walks inty a brothel an says "Ah want tae hire a prostitute tae come tae mah hoose. Ah want wan that's six feet tall an weighs four stane." An the wumman at the desk goes. "We huvny goat wan like that in stock, ah'll huv tae order wan in fur ye. Can ah send hur roon oan Setterday?" So Setterday comes an the fella's door goes an here's this incredibly skinny wumman, six feet tall, an the guy says, "Oh you'll be the prostitute, come oan in. Take yer claes aff an kneel doon in fronta the fire." AN in she goes an she's kneelin doon nekkit in fronta the fire, gettin burnt on wan side an freezin oan the other the wey ye dae. AN she looks roon an the fella's brought this greyhound dug inty the room, an she's gaun "In the name a fuck whit's gaun oan here?" AN the fella points at hur an says tae the dug. "Ye see that. That's the wey ye'll get if ye don't eat yer Kennomeat!"
Vasectomy After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in theworld, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Manchester, most of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.
Ferrari Announcement The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Belfast youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Short Strand area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the young pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bottle of Buckfast, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Government Just in case you don't understand how a "Government" program works, here is a perfect example: Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The government said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at £18,000 a year for the job. Then the government said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions for £22,000, and one person to do time studies for an additional £22,000 per year. Then the government said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies for £31,000 and one to write the reports for an additional £31,000 per year. Then the government said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper for £35,000 annual salary, and a payroll officer for an additional £35,000, then hired two people. Then the government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer at £155,000 per year, Assistant Administrative Officer £125,000, and a Legal Secretary for an additional £100,000 per year. Then the government said, "We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of £574,000.00 and we are £18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
53,000 Geordies 53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says,"Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds Gazza eventually says,"Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream......... "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Angus and Agnes Angus and Agnes lived on an Island off Skye. After 23 years of marriage, Agnes conceives and bears a child. Angus got the boat out and rowed to Portree to put an advert in the paper. When he came back Agnes says 'Well did you put the advert in the paper?' 'Yess I did' 'How much did it cost?' 'Three thousssand six hunnerd, an forty poundss and twenty three pence' 'Why did it cost that much Angus?' 'Well when the man asked How many insertions?', I said Thrice nightly for twenty three years!''
Welcome to Chav Airways Chavair -Welcome onboard announcement Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and all you scallies and slappers on a stag and hen weekend. Welcome aboard this inaugural Chavair flight from Liverpool to Ibeeza. Your pilots today are Wayne and Daz, with their mate Baz leaning over from the jump seat urging them to go a bit faster. Your cabin staff are Shazza, Courtney and Kylie, who shouldn't be flying as she's up the duff again but wants her attendance bonus. Please ensure that all your Kwik Save carrier bags are safely stowed in the overhead lockers or shoved under the seat in front of you. Those passengers who have sat in the emergency exit rows thinking you will be able to get off of the plane first or who want the extra legroom so you can sprawl out admiring your white Kappa trainers will need to ensure that all items of hand baggage and spare trackies are stowed in the overhead lockers for take off and again for landing, including when we divert to Barcelona to kick off the drunk ASBO-holder in Row 6. Please ensure that items you try to place in the overhead lockers such as baby buggies, bottles of Duty Free White Lightning, temazepam and ghetto blasters are stowed securely as they could fall out and injure yourself or someone else. If you require any assistance at this time please do not hesitate to contact a member of Injury Lawyers 4 U who will shortly pass through the cabin to hand out claim forms and business cards. You should now make sure that your fatbelt is fastened in preparation for departure. In the interest of safety and good taste your iPod should be turned down to less than 120 decibels whilst the aircraft is on the ground. The use of electronic equipment (that's anything that requires batteries) is not permitted whilst the fasten seatbelt signs are illuminated so please take off your Securicor tags now. Mobile phones must now be switched off and remain switched off for the duration of the flight, even if you have only just lifted them from the Carphone Warehouse shop in the terminal building. We shall now take you through our safety procedures and equipment onboard this Boeing 737-300GTi aircraft what Wayne has Twocked off the apron. In the seat pocket in front of you, you will find a safety instruction card, unless the last passenger nicked it to flog on E-bay. Please take time to look at the pictures and avoid dribbling as you move your lips while trying to read the words on it. It highlights important safety information such as escape routes, lifejackets and the sprinkler system that will hose you down if you try to have a crafty smoke in the toilets. It also shows the bracing position which must be adopted in an emergency landing to protect your medallions, sovs, and unnecessarily large hoop earrings. Emergency exits are located on both sides of the aircraft; they are clearly marked and are being pointed out to you now. Unlike other emergency situations that you might be more used to, you will not be able to do one out of the window. There are two doors at the rear of the cabin, (please note, these are not the ones marked 'Toilet'), two over-wing exits for those of you weighing less than twenty stone, and two doors at the front. Please take a moment now to locate your nearest exit, which might be behind you. To help you find your way, additional lighting is provided in the aisle at floor level so you can crawl out on your hands and knees, bit like going home on Saturday night. If the cabin air supply fails, cans like these will automatically be presented from the panel above your head. When the can appears, extinguish your cigarette (shame though it is to waste your last one), place it over your mouth and drink normally. Do make sure your own can is empty before helping yourself to others. A designer lifejacket is located in a pocket beneath your seat. For those of you who are unable to swim, you have left it a bit late to learn. Place the lifejacket over your head and secure it to your shellsuit by means of this tape. Do not inflate your lifejacket until you are well outside the aircraft. You will know you are outside the aircraft as you will be very wet, especially those of you weighed down by too much fake gold jewellery from Argos. At this time your seatbelts should be fastened. Extension belts are available for those who are in possession of loyalty cards from Burger King. We will shortly be commencing your inflight service. This evening we will be giving you an opportunity to choose from our wide selection of bling, tax-free Lambrini and a range of snide Liverpool, Man U and England shirts. By the way we have anti-tampering alarms on all our trolleys that spray you with Burberry check dye should you try to rob from it. Onboard today we have on offer a choice of Super-sized Big Mac meals, chicken tikka masala or kebabs. We accept UK sterling or Euros as well as major credit cards which must be in your own name. You will find in the seat pocket a price list and full details of outlets and fences for your tax-free goods. Finally, on behalf of all of us at Chavair, may we thank you for flying with us today. We hope that you enjoy your flight and we look forward to seeing you when your licence is revoked and you are recalled to prison in a few days time.
Tony Blair called Prescott into his office one day and said, 'John, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'. Great idea Tony how will we go about it?' said Prescott. 'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap, oh, and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in "Much Something or other". We'll show we really enjoy the countryside.' 'Right Oh' said Prescott. A few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just such a place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) with a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel). With the dog, they went in and leant on the bar. "Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood" said Blair. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best is coming up". Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came to the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened, and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail, looked underneath it, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd carrying a crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and he went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes!"
Who's Hardest? M6 and M25 are in a bar arguing. M6 says "I'm the hardest. I go from Birmingham to Carlisle and I can carry thousands of cars and lorries every hour". M25 says "I go right round London, and I can have lorries sitting on me without moving for hours and I don't flinch". Then Red Tarmac comes in and they hide under a table. When he goes they come out. The barman asks: "I thought you were arguing over which was the hardest". "We were" says M6. "But Red Tarmac there, he's a cycle path".
British Rail British Rail have sacked several of their managers for putting models of Rudolph and his pals on top of their Ticket Offices. They strongly deny that this is another example of Political Correctness gone mad. They just don't want staff with high deers above their station.
Question. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Answer - An Inuinnit Northern Vet A man takes his cat to the Vet in Barnsley. The Vet asks: "Is it a Tom?" To which the man replies: "Nay Lad, I've brought it wimme!"
Before The Battle Of Hastings King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise their morale, that sort of thing. He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. "Do you feel ready for the battle tomorrow?" he asked. "Oh yes, sire," the swordsman responded eagerly. "Handy with that thing are you?" Harold asked, indicating the man's sword. "Reasonably so, sire," the man replied. "Watch." He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and waved his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures. "Good work, man," said Harold, impressed, "and good luck in the battle." "Thank you, sire," said the soldier. King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. "Are you looking forward to the battle?" he asked one of their number. "Yes, sire," the man replied. "Good with your pike, are you?" the King asked. "Not bad," the pikeman said. "See that flock of birds?" Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it. "Well done," said Harold, "and good luck in the battle tomorrow." He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. "Are you ready for tomorrow's battle?" King Harold asked one bowman. The man squinted at him a bit, then said, "Good Lord, it's the King! Um, yes Sire, I'm ready." "What can you do with that bow, then?" Harold asked him. "What? Oh, this thing? I dunno. Someone gave me it yesterday and told me to stay with these people here." "Well... do you see that barn over there, about twenty yards away?" The archer peered in the direction of Harold's pointing finger. "Oh yes, I see it," he said at last. "Do you think you could hit that?" "I think so." He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left. "Did I hit it?" he asked. "Er, yes," said Harold, clapping him on the back. "Well done, and good luck." "Watch out for that man tomorrow, will you?" Said Harold turning to the captain of archery. "He'll have somebody's bloody eye out with that thing."
Trendy Wine Bar Installs Robot Barman A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.' The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, day trading, and so on. The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.' The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.' The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Tony Blair again?'
Tough Once Prince Charles was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidentally ran over one of her favourite corgis. The poor unfortunate dog was crushed to a pulp! The Prince got out of his car sat down on the grass and started crying. The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be mad at him as well. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it. Low and behold, all of a sudden, a genie appeared. "You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie. "For freeing me I grant you one wish". "Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that I need, but let me show you this unfortunate dog". They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life", asked the Prince. The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head. "This body is far too gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't there anything else you would like"? The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his pockets and took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman called Diana", said the Prince showing the genie the first photograph. "But now I love this woman called Camilla". He showed the genie the second photograph. "You see Camilla isn't all that beautiful, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana"? The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "let's have another look at that dog".
Helicopter The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."
Hurricane Disaster A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of this morning with its epicentre in Shoeburyness. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shoeburyness. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, " SOUTHEND" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?
If Airlines Sold Paint
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Wee Billy From Glasgow Wee Billy from Glasgow always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty lemonade bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stoters, eh?" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone? Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says.... Taiwan !!!!!
A Man Of Few Words An old Scotsman called his local newspaper to place an obituary notice for his recently deceased wife. He told the woman taking the ad that he wanted to have only two words in the notice: "Maggie died". The woman at the newspaper told him that he could use up to six words with punctuation and it would cost exactly the same as two words. The man thought for a few seconds and said, "Maggie died. For sale, 1991 Volvo".
The Blair Postage Stamp The Post Office created a stamp with a picture of Tony Blair on. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special No.10 commission presented the following findings: 1) The stamp is in perfect order. 2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. 3) People are spitting on the wrong side......
Scottish wedding Jock McTavish, a Scotsman, decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."
Scottish Jew A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scot."
Start the day with a smile
How to start your day with a positive outlook American Pie.... Sung to the tune of "American Pie"
A long, long time ago... we can still remember how
We can't remember if we cried
So, bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Did you read "The State We're In"
Did you believe in British coal
Well once, we were in love with him
We were a youthful, modern, sassy bunch
Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Now for 10 years we've had Teflon Tone
'Cause now bruiser Prescott's made Tony scream
And while King Tony was looking down
While Gordon read a book on Marx
Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Helter Skelter another summer swelter
A Party tired of their past
Opinion polls show certain doom
As the Tories tried to take the field
Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
There we were all in one place
So come on let's be retro, let's be old
As we watched him on the stage
And as the polls dive deep right out of sight
I met a voter who longed for the Blues
I went back to that old Clause 4
And in Iraq the children screamed
And the three things we admired the most
Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
At the Dentists A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply. "£85? Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off." "Whit aboot if ye used wan o yer dentist trainees and still withoot the anesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction wae' the other students watchin' and learnin?" "It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "OK, I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
Highland Wedding Erchie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's plans for his forthcoming wedding. "Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night... Erchie nods approvingly. "Hivvens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Erchie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires. "Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
A travelling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be.
Ear Muffs Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lived, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs, not even on the bitterest day. So the Laird asked, "Alan, did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?" "Well Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." Alan replied. "Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?" Alan explained, "I was wearing 'em the first day, Sir, when a laddie offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didna hear him! Never again, Sir, never, ever again!"
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin' on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants." "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it." About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "Me God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?" "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
A little old lorry driver was eating in a roadside café when three Chavs walked in. The first walked up and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie. The second poured the old man's tea onto the floor. The third kicked away his chair. Without a word of protest the old man got up and quietly left the café. Shortly afterwards one of the Chavs said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a lorry driver either. He just backed his Juggernaut over that yellow Nova with the spoilers and wide bore exhaust."
Being British Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?.....Suspicion of anything foreign.
A scouser walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job." The worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme" The Scouser says 'You're bullshittin' me.... The dole worker replies 'Well you started it....!
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?" "No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit".
Message
Graffiti seen on a hand drier in a public toilet:
The History of the English Language In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!", "Gimme!", and "Pardon me, but would you happen to have any woad?" Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short." This was the start of the importance of u (and its mispronunciation) to the language. After building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language instruction manual with them. The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over (under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The Angles, Saxons, and Jutes brought slightly more refined vocal noises. All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were onomatapoeic, being derived from the sounds of battle. Consonants were derived from the sounds of weapons striking a foe. "Sss" and "th" for example are the sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a solidly landed axe blow, "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto rock and sod respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a bog. Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or sharp exhalations) were derived from the sounds the foe himself made when struck. The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-revel. The British, finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved into the hills to the west and called themselves Welsh. The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to investigate. When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them loose and took them home. They then raided Wales and stole both their cattle and their vowels, so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep and consonants. ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W! And on that farm he hadde somme gees. With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...") To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves "Cymry" and gave even longer names to their villages. They figured if no one could pronounce the name of their people or the names of their towns, then no one would visit them. (The success of the tactic is demonstrated still today. How many travel agents have YOU heard suggest a visit to scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?) Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin. But of course they didn't know that there was once an instruction manual for them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the language purely as ornaments. Most of the new vowels were not pronounced, and those that were were pronounced differently depending on which kind of consonant they were either preceding or following. The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the Irish words. "Ooooh!" they said. They raided Ireland and brought the vowels back home with them. But the Vikings couldn't keep track of all the Irish rules so they simply pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo." In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was populated by descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes. After a generation or two, the people were speaking German with a French accent and calling it English. Then the Danes invaded again, crying "Oouuoo! Oouuoo!," burning abbeys, and trading with the townspeople. The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with visiting Irish and became Scots. Against the advice of their travel agents, they decided to visit Wales. (The Scots couldn't read the signposts that said, "This way to LLyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell sheep a league away.) The Scots took the sheep home with them and made some of them into haggis. What they made with the others we won't say, but Scots are known to this day for having hairy legs. The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the hills and into London. Because they were the only people in the Islands who played flutes instead of bagpipes, they were called Tooters. This made them very popular. In short order, Henry Tooter got elected King and began popularising ornate, unflattering clothing. Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing the flute, speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their vowels "oouuoo" (which was fairly easy given the French accent), and making lots of money in the wool trade. Because they were rich, people smiled more (remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and "Canterbury Tales" were the only tabloids, and gave generally favourable reviews even to Danes). And since it is next to impossible to keep your vowels in the back of your throat (even if you do speak German with a French accent) while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see what I mean), the Great Vowel Shift came about and transformed the English language. The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of their teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in Boston. There were a few poor souls who, cut off from the economic prosperity of the wool trade, continued to swallow their vowels. They wandered the countryside in misery and despair until they came to the docks of London, where their dialect devolved into the incomprehensible language known as Cockney. Later, it was taken further North to the wilds of Essex and gave birth to the rich cultural language centered around Basildon.
I was in a bar in Manchester last night, when Michael Owen came up to me, pinched my arse and asked me if I fancied a night-cap at his place. I said "you're a little forward aren't you?"
Letters to the Daily Telegraph Sir - Why is the former friend of the former prime minister calling herself Edwina Currie Jones (letter, July 31)? She was born Edwina Cohen, became Edwina Currie and, after divorce and a remarriage, is now Edwina Jones. Is it the case that divorcees now retain their former married names? If so, should we now refer to the seven-times divorced star of Cleopatra as Elizabeth Hilton Wilding Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky? Sir - Following the debate about women retaining their married names (letter, Aug 6), it occurs to me that if Isla St Clair had married the late Barry White, and then Bryan Ferry, she would now be Isla White Ferry. Sir - Isla White Ferry prompts me to note that if the actress Tuesday Weld, instead of marrying Dudley Moore, had married another actor - Fredric March III - she would have become Tuesday March the Third
David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along. David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Old Blonde Joke Peter Stringfellow
Notes for Milkmen * "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." * "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk." * "Cancel one pint after the day after today." * "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it" * "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk." * "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today." * "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole." * "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks." * "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round." * "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress. * "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened." * "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle." * "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." * "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it." * "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." * "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight." * "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday." * "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. * "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST: Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday". His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad i have i have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you bloody English!"
A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says "I no British. I from Hong Kong." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British citizen?" She says, "No, I am from Romania!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?" The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says "Probably at work."
As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair has instituted a new series of tests that any applicant for British citizenship must pass: - The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat clearing. - The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed). - The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat. - The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first. - The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they've pretty much been a bunch of losers. - The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700's. - The ability to colour in red those bits of the globe that still should properly belong to Britain (extra credit if the United States is included). And finally - The ability to utter the phrase "British Way of Life" without cracking even the hint of a smile.
A supposedly true story ... In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada received a phone call from the CBC (CBC Canadian Broadcasting Company, a Canadian TV station). The CBC representative on the other end of the line thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at interviews etc, and for a generally good year. The ambassador returned the thanks. The CBC representative then asked the ambassador what he wanted for Christmas. Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to accept a gift, the ambassador said that he didn't think that it was a very good idea. However, The CBC representative insisted, and in the end the ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallised fruits. The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer, but they ended the conversation and the ambassador thought nothing more of it. Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was sitting watching the news on TV with his family when he was treated to this item at the end: "Before Christmas, we asked three foreign ambassadors what they wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador said that he wanted world peace and an end to suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallised fruits...."
First Essex girl has a serious accident in her car. She is bleeding profusely and trapped. Within a few minutes a medic is on the scene. "What's your name, love?" he says. "Sharon," she sobs. "OK, Sharon, we'll soon have you out of there, but first of all where are you bleeding from?" "Chigwell, mate," she replies.
Second Essex girl, heavily pregnant, feels her waters about to break ahead of time. She calls the doctor. "Doctor, come quick, me waters 'ave broken." "OK, Sharon, don't panic, I'll be right with you. Where are you ringing from?" "The waist down, doctor,"
A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy. The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry"
T Blair. was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Thames below. Before the MI5 guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Tony said, "No problem. I'll take you there on my Harrier Jet". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Tony said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Blair is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!"
What's the difference between a chav and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
1. What do you call a chav in a box ?
2 . What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet ?
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it ?
4. What do you call an Eskimo chav ?
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies ?
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit ?
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him ?
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut ?
9. What's always the first question at a Chav quiz night ?
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box ?
11. Two Chavs in a car without any loud music. Who's driving ?
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
13. What do you say to a chav with a job?
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit ?
15. What do u call a knife in chaville ?
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame ?
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette ?
18. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river ?
19. Why did the chav take a shower ?
20. Why did the Chav cross the road ?
21. What do you call a Chav at college ? 22. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
Shakespeare wot her wrote..... Lost quarto of Hamlet This recently discovered folio edition of "Hamlet" follows other known versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at line 232, as will be seen:
KING ...`Now the king drinks to Hamlet.' Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye
HAMLET: Come on, sir.
DAPHNE: Wait!
KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak? The GHOST enters.
GHOST: Indeed, my son.
SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward,
GHOST: What? FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST'S face.
ALL: Tis Fortinbras!
KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go. EXEUNT OMNES.
There was this Scotsman I once saw at a fancy dress party. He was wearing:
An udder and he was carrying an machine gun. We all asked him what he had come as. He replied: A right wing military coo............
Sign at my local plumbers merchant:
"We can only please one customer each day, and today is not your day.
The scene is the PM's Office. Red Tony is seated at his desk busily making a paper clip chain. A knock at the door is heard and an aide, his brow furrowed, enters the office. Aide: Prime Minister, we have a problem. Tony: You know that I don't like problems. Did you go to The Man? Aide: Yes Prime Minister, but 2Jags said that this one was your call. Tony: (Sigh) Ok. What's the problem? Aide: Sir, what do you want me to do about the Abortion Bill? Tony: (In a low voice) For God's sake, pay it and shut up about it, before Cherie finds out.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair....................
New Rover goes on Sale Following the Chinese buy-up of Rover Cars Shangia Motor Company anounces their newest model - Industry Pundits admit it is a "good little runner"
The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself the usual fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to the homeland (or hameland, as they'd call it) he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realised his brothers had grown beards. "Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked. "We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"
Yorkshire police are getting worried by the latest drug craze to hit: They're calling it E-by-gum...
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