Canada, eh?

Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up to this captain of a fishing boat and says " Hey Capt'n got any work fer me?"

The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says "Fill this out and bring it back to me". So 2 days later the Newfie brings it back and gives it to the captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says "OK, you're hired, now go on board and find something to do."

Just then, this Japanese guy comes up to the captain and says "Lookie wok, need wok."

The captain tells him "OK you're hired."

The Newfie is standing right there and asks the captain, "Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, why?

Captain replies "He's got an honest face"

The Newfie sighs and walks onto the boat, right upset.

A few days later, they're out to sea and the Newfie is up in the crow's nest looking for icebergs and the Japanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck.

Just then, this great big wave comes along and washes the Japanese guy overboard.

The Newfie gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the captain's office and tells him:

"Remember that Japanese guy you hired with the honest face? Well, he just disappeared with your mop!"

The Far North

Ned took a job working alone in Canada's far frozen north. "Here's your emergency survival kit," said his boss. "It contains a box of flares, a radio and a deck of cards."

"What are the cards for?" Ned asked.

"In case the flares don't work, and the radio freezes up," replied the boss, "just take out the cards and play solitaire. In about ten seconds someone will tap you on the shoulder and say, 'Put the red nine on the black ten.'"

Deer Hunting

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. "Where's Harry?" asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple of miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.

"You mean you left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

On A Flight

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . ... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Newfie passenger yelled, "O Lard tunderin jesus b'y you should see the back of mine!"

National Survey

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in selected four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in serious accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find that in most towns in Canada the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!".

Only the places like Esquimalt-Sooke, Langford, Shawnigan Lake, Duncan, Nanaimo, Cranbrook and Port Alberni were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."

Bono

Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice..."Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A loud Newfie voice from near the front pierces the moment... "Well, Lard tunderin Jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin', den!"

The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read "Happy hour special: Lobster Tail & Beer."
"Ah," he says to himself, "My 3 favourite things!"

Canadian Flu

Have you heard about the new Canadian flu virus??

We call it "Infuenza eh!"

Hell

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering - why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Winnipeg. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

Canada Apologises To The US

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

Canadian Border Problem

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The "unflinching determination" of the Bush administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and tenaciously agree with Bill O'reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other evening, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "he asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. when I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. so he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "not real effective," he said. "the liberals still got through, and rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border for a fee, and then leave them to fend for themselves. "a lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload of them without a drop of drinking water. they did have a nice little Napa valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly about physical retribution from conservatives. rumours have been circulating about the Bush Administration establishing "re-education camps" for returning liberals, in which they will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch videos of old NASCAR races.

Liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap, Canadian prescription drugs.

After catching half a dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on "the Lawrence Welk show", we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," said an Ottawa resident. "how many art-history majors does one country need, eh?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, vice-president Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador in Washington and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. a source close to Cheney said, "we're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. and we might even put some endangered species on our postage stamps. the president is determined to reach out on this one."

The Lumberjack

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Cow Problems

The only cow in a small town in northern New York State stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canada, just across the border, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Canada and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Canada?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Canada?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Canada."

In recent years part of Air Canada's settlement with its unions was the hiring of handicapped people.

One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.

None was forthcoming.

The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"

A large two engine Via Rail train was crossing Canada. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie the carburetor was frozen. "Well, piss on it," the Mountie said.

"Can't," replied the rider. The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later the local detachment received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.

Two bozo moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Newfoundland. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose each. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."

"That's rubbish," says one of the hunters.

"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose, and that pilot had some guts: He wasn't afraid to take off!"

"Yeah," said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot's ego was bruised by this, so he got angry, and said, "If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied to the end of the lake and then opened up at full throttle, the plane rose into the air, but didn't quite have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped and broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year."

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.

When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them .........."Moosellaneous."

There were three hunters sitting around a campfire telling the story of the worst thing that ever happened to them.

"Once I was on some scaffolding seven stories high when it collapsed, I was in the hospital for almost 6 months", said the first hunter."

The second hunter said, "one time while I was hitch-hiking and I was hit by a Greyhound bus, it broke my back and most of my other bones."

Since the third hunter was silent the first two asked for his story. After a moment he spoke up I will just tell you what the second worst thing that ever happened to me was."

"One time when I was hunting I had the urge to take a poop, so I went behind a tree dropped my drawers and assumed "THE" position, well I squatted to close to the ground and a bear trap closed around my testicles."

"God" said the other two if that was the second worst thing that ever happened to you what was the worst thing." replying he said "When I reached the end of the chain."

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Twelve.Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decidehow to solve the problem,one Francophone to complain thatI didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee Onthe Status Of Women to say that women have been under represented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it,one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and oneto drop the puck.

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "Yeah?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?

"I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!"

" Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF???

1. Smarties.

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp.

3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down.

4. Baseball is Canadian.

5. Lacrosse is Canadian.

6. Hockey is Canadian.

7. Basketball is Canadian.

8. Apple pie is Canadian.

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass.

10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass.

11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisments kick ass.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

...oh yeah...and our elections only take one day.

Cop Humour

Who says Canadian cops don't have a sense of humour?

The following were purportedly taken off actual police car videos around the country.

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”

“So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC.” (Canadian Police Information Computer)

“Just how big were those two beers?”

“No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

“You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in LaRonge with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who was the most successful at icefishing.

Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish.

Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently.

A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers. The Passenger, Harry said, "Lord tunderin' jaisis...up ahead, Arch, It's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'!!""Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?"

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the officer took a look at the pair of them and said, " You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, Sir," said Archie while pointing to the labels, "We're on the patch."

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.

Health Canada should take note of that penis study.

There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population ... of this man hath no greater fear.

To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division -- currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra -- to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.

Here's what came up.

* These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.

* Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Smoke rises -- you may not.

* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were capable of conceiving any.

* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?

* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

* Continue Smoking-- You just put your sex life in your hands.