Dwarf Football

It's a game of 22 halves.

Paralympic plane crash

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert.

The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed.

They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis.

The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TYRES!!!

My Ex-wife

My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend.

To be honest, I should've seen the signs.................................

MS Protest March

"What do we want?"
"God Knows!"
"When do we want it?"
"Want what?"

Stars In Their Eyes

Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.

Curious - Matthew went over to the duo and introduced himself and asked the older guy about his disability.

"My nephew and I are glaziers" - said the old guy "and one day when he was up a ladder my nephew Simon slipped - dropped a pane of glass - and it cut my legs clean off !!"
"That's terrible" said Matthew "but its great that your here to support him nevertheless, so who is your nephew going to be?"
"Oh I'm not supporting him" said the old guy "I'm singing with him"
Matthew was perplexed. He knew the back stage crew were good but who were these two going to become, when the old guy told him...
"Tonight Matthew - we're going to be....."
Simon and Half Uncle"

Blind Trip

A coach driver is transporting a group of blind kids back from a school trip. It's a hot summer's day and he decides to stop for a break at a country pub. As the blind kids get out the coach he notices them carrying a football. "How are you gonna play football? You're blind", he enquires. "Oh we've got a special football with a bell in it", says one of the kids, "Go and have a drink, we'll be fine!"

Slighty amused, the driver goes into the pub, gets a drink,and sits down to read the paper. Some time passes and a police officer enters.

"Who's in charge of those blind kids outside?" asks the officer.

"I am officer, is there a problem?"

"A problem!? They've just kicked a morris dancer to death"

New Job

I started a new job last week answering the phones at the British Stammering & Stuttering Association. I’m only halfway through my first call.

Dwarf statistics

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

My Uncle

Whenever my uncle tries to squeeze into a tight gap left between two parked cars, he starts to shake uncontrollably.

I think he suffers from parking zones disease.

2 Deaf Men

Two deaf men are on their tea-break, signing to each other about being out the night before. The first man signs to his friend, "my wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak to bed without waking her."

The second deaf man signs back, "boy, you're lucky: my wife was wide awake waiting for me in bed and she started swearing at me for being so late."

The first deaf man asks, "so, what did you do?"

The second man replies, "I turned out the light."

Reminder

Just a reminder that tomorrow is "Hug a Retard" day. So don't freak out like you did last year. . . . . nobody is trying to hurt you!

Female Midget Friend

A female midget friend of mine told me she had decided to become a prostitue, It made me really sad..

I just feel like shes selling herself short.

Lonely Old Lady

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

A guy goes to the Joob Centre to apply for a job at the Centre. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the army?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for three tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....no point in you coming in for that"

Dear Sir,

I have been writing to various firms for some time looking for work & somebody very kindly gave me your name. I have taken the liberty of writing to you because I have a slight speech impediment when talking to strangers over the phone but feel that with the correct training I would be able to overcome this.

As well as stuttering I am slightly disabled but feel sure this will not prejudice you against granting me an interview. Due to illness in recent years I have lost the use of my left arm & leg. Well to be perfectly honest I have had them removed. In normal circumstances this would not prove too much of a problem but unfortunately I was left handed & get dizzy balancing on one leg. You might wonder how I am able to type so well with the remaining finger on my right hand. For the past two years I have attended a special school for the handicapped & the deaf, (I am also slightly hard of hearing) where I learned to type holding a pencil between my teeth. Bad luck has caught up with me again however, as my dentist tells me shortly have to have all my teeth removed.

One point that might be against me is my wheelchair, I have tried using crutches, but only having one arm makes things a little difficult. Although I can balance on one leg, it has taken a lot of practice to be able to walk in a straight line. When I first got my wheelchair, & having only one arm, I used to go around in circles. I feel sure that I have not been successful at other interviews because of my chair & the tyre marks it made on polished floors. Because of this I would be willing to leave my chair outside & drag myself along the office floor should you need me to run messages.

Should my application be successful this would be my first job. If I could earn my own living I could buy a few luxuries such as a new tyre for my wheelchair & a lead free pencil to hold in my mouth for typing. The doctor says it was probably lead poising that made me partially blind in my good remaining eye.

Could I also mention that I would also need a power near my desk to recharge my heart pace-maker as the battery is getting rather weak. I would be willing to have the cost of this deducted from my wages along with the cost of strengthening the floor joists to take the weight of my portable kidney machine. I do not know whether you prefer a male or female for the job but my surgeon says he could snip off a bit more here & there as required.

Yours sincerely,

P.S. sum wun rote this fore me cos eye am dislecksic.

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said: "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said: "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!".

The third kid said: "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says: "But I will be after my dad finds out I saved youfrom drowning!"

NURSING HOME OFFER

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (TWO HUNDRED YEARS ON)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals.

Officer. "What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then ...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch."

Nelson: "Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest,sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case..kiss me, Hardy".

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Heather

After her recent outbursts on breakfast TV a psychologist has denounced Heather McCartney as clearly unbalanced.

Sir Paul has phoned in saying, a couple of beer mats under her left foot normally does the trick.

Stevie Wonder

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after an argument?

She rearranges the furniture.

Mutes

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his(also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, enough that hand-waving stuff. I can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment programme that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

Heather Mills

Heather Mills was voted off "Dancing with the Stars". reports say she was hopping mad........

What?

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?

Mr. President.

Disability Cockney Rhyming Slang

1 Mutton Jeff = Deaf.

2 Canary Wharf = dwarf.

3 Cardinal Wolsey = cerebral palsy.

4 Raspberry Ripple = cripple.

5 Rubber and plastic = spastic.

6 Tulips and roses = multiple sclerosis.

7 Bacon rind = blind.

8 Diet Pepsi = epilepsy.

9 Benny and the Jets = Tourettes.

10 Wasps and bees = amputees

Quasimodo

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notra Dame returns home after a hard days bell ringing to find Esmerelda standing in the kitchen holding a wok.
"Fantastic" he says, "Chineese tonight love?"
"Oh no" she says, "I`m ironing your shirt"

MS ing

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America.

One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue. Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart.

One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.

Never

Never buy a stupid dwarf - Its not big and its not clever.

Paddy

Paddy had been drinking all day and most of the night at his local Dublin pub. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies " Ok Mick, Oil be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, Feels better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejaysus, I'm wrecked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors downa and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door then collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No effinchance.". But, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step Into the bedroom and falls flat on his face.

I gotta stop drinkin" he says as he drags himself across the floor and into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit much to drink last night?

Paddy says"I did Jess, I did. I was pissed. How'd you know?

"Mick, the bartender phoned. Yuh left ya wheelchair at the pub."

In a bar

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

Lightbulb

A man walks down the street...

On his way, he meets a friend, who happens to have only one arm.

"So, what are you up to?"

"I'm going to change a lightbulb."

"Won't that be difficult, with just the one arm?"

"Shouldn't think so, I've got the receipt.