Bad news, the rioting has spread to Ireland. Poor Paddy has just smashed his laptop screen, after trying to loot ebay.
Helping The Doctor
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ........
'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'
The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'
The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'
Paddy & Murphy
Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a holiday. Only this year I'm going do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii ... I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."
Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off walls? Rick O'Shay
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always cheating on you, wasn't he?"
"Yes, that he was." she replied.
"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying to find at least a little good in Mary's time of woe. "Tell me," he went on, "did he have any last requests?"
"That he did, Father..."
"What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'"
A visitor goes in to a bar in Boston (the small village on the East coast of the US not the hustling metropolis on the East coat of the UK). He orders a beer, sits at the bar and strikes up a conversation with a couple of his neighbours at the bar and the bar-tender. After a round or two he says:
"I've got an Irish joke I'd like to tell you"
The bar falls silent and the bar-tender, seeking to avoid a disturbance says in his brogue
"Now sir before you tell your joke you might like to think about this.
"You're in an Irish bar in an Irish neighbourhood in town. Mebbe 90% of the patrons here are Irish and indeed I'm Irish meself. So do you really want to tell this joke"
"Oh thanks for the warning I'll tell it slowly then"
Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery.... The study of paintings
Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog.
Coma............A punctuation mark.
Dilate....................To live long.
Enema....................Not a friend.
Fester..........Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....................A small lie.
Impotent................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................A higher offer.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...................Nearly killed him.
Tablet...................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...................One plus one more.
Urine....................Opposite of you're out.
2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure
An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellingtons goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped."
Then one of the dead mans friends came up to the little group and said, "He did not commit suicide. He thought he could fly."
"But he had no wings," said the Policeman, "He was just wearing Wellingtons."
"I know," replied the dead mans friend, "Someone told him earlier this morning that his grandfather flew in Wellingtons during the Second World War."
Inspired by events in New York City on 9/11 it has emerged that the IRA has hijacked a hot air balloon and bounced off Canary Wharf three times.
An Irish Tale
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home .' 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What the are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, just take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
...... into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.
"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."
"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"
"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you have something in your hand?"
''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the driver is.."top o'the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two golfing tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those, son?" ask the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary and' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard ploughed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Aye," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
Way down in the back of beyond in Ireland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murphy! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too."
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had yourself another boy!"
Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception."
Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception."
When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."
Murphy said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's afookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.....
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"
"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
An Irish girl finally got her fiancé to the altar two weeks before Easter.
On their wedding night, she put on a very short, sexy nightgown and crawled into bed. But her husband didn't respond.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I... I can't make love," he answered. "It's Lent."
"Lent?" she shouted. "To whom and for how long?"
"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish." "Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The car driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left. "Thank the Lord," said one Irishman to the other. "We only just got out of that field in time."
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The mistress of a big English house called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano. "Mary," she said, "I could write my name in this dust." Mary responded, "Aye, isn't education a grand thing, ma'am!"
Seamus and Mick were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, 'Tree Fellers Wanted.' Seamus said, "Ye know Mick, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could ha' gotten the job."
Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.
O'Brien was boasting of his grandfather, "He lived for 94 years and never once used glasses!" "He had the right of it," nodded Sullivan. "I always said it was healthier to drink from the bottle."
Irishman's Letter to the DHSS after receiving a Leaflet...
I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get.
It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments?
Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids, but she showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid out for these gadgets?
Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, though, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.
I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know?
I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?
Ireland declares war on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy.
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no foostering way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
To prevent the spread of Bird Flu the Irish government today announced an immediate ban on all Hen Parties.
Try to stay calm when you read this - and maybe ask someone to accompany you home.
This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway (Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real!
This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.
Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights.
It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk, and Is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.
But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the other, "Look, that's the fecking eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it."
A woman watches two Irishmen working by the roadside. One digs a hole and the other one fills it in. They do this every few yards all the way down the street.
After a while, the woman asks them what on earth they are doing?
"To be sure", says Shaun, "We're planting trees, only Patrick who is the one who puts the trees in the hole is off sick."
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep.
Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.
Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business.
The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look,
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says:
"Murphy,will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."
Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."
"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Cockney impression:
"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary Mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"
The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".
Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son:
Paddy and Mick had been out on the town for a few Guiness. Before they realised the time, the pub was shutting and they had missed the last bus home. As they started the 5 mile walk home, they walked passed the bus station, which was deserted.
"Lets steal a bus, we'll get home much quicker " suggested Mick.
"Great idea" says Paddy, and begins to walk up and down the row of buses.
"Aw sh*te", says Paddy.
"Whits the matter", asks Mick.
"There's no' a number 27 bus here".
"Don't be so bloody daft" says Mick.................
"We'll steal that number 52 bus there, get off at flaherty street, an' we can walk the rest"
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo.
They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where are you going ?" asks the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board.
Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"bejeesus," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered woman sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before she says, "Sit down Sheamus." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest -- he is Sheamus."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Sheamus, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Sheamus. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Sheamus!
"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here ... are they ALL named Sheamus?"
The woman replied, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Sheamus!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Sheamus!' and they all come running.'
And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Sheamus' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Sheamus."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
" I call them by their last names."
One morning a local Tipperary council road crew reaches their job-site and realises they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman phones the office and tells his gaffer the situation.
The gaffer rings Paddy back in half an hour and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."
"Hey, Sheamus! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special." "To tell you the truth,Paddy, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird." "You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!" "Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot-fish". "I hate to tell you this, Sheamus, but while you might be able to teach a parrot-bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot-fish." "That's what you think, Paddy! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy." "Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"
After the gulf war all the oil fires in Kuwait except one had been put out. This particular fire resisted all attempts. Finally someone said that the only man who could put it out was Red Adair, it would be expensive but worth it.
They contacted Red who said that he was unable to help because he was busy with a big fire in Venezuela but his Irish cousin, Green O'Dair who lived in Dublin, was just as good at this sort of work.
They rang Green O'Dair who agreed to put the fire out for them, he would be there within 12 hours and it would cost GBP500,000. It was agreed and eleven and a half-hours later a C130 landed in the desert alongside the fire, a big fire truck suddenly rolled out of the back and, without stopping, gathered speed and drove straight into the fire.
The crew on the fire engine jumped out, took off their donkey jackets and began to beat out the fire as the fire engine rolled on. After a short while the fire went out and the fire engine came out the other side. It drove up to the assembled crowd who were on a small sand dune and coasted slowly to a halt. Green O'Dair got out and was greeted by the chairman of the company. He offered his congratulations for having done exactly as he said he would, arriving within 12 hours and putting the fire out.
The chairman then said " here is your 500,000 pounds and just out of interest what are you going to do with it?".
Green replied "Get the brakes on that blasted truck fixed".
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
How can you possibly not love the Irish?
"Personal ads" in the Dublin News
Heavy drinker,35, Cork area.Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée,
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in
Devil-worshipper,Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
Coleen, who was arather well-proportioned Galway girl, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but then, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, ma'am," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have done previously."
"To b'sure what difference does it make?" Coleen asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," smiled the man.. "You've been lying on the dining room skylight."
to rob a bank. He got all the gear together - stocking mask, sawn-off shotgun, getaway car and so on. But he realised his accent would mark him out as Irish, so he took elocution lessons for almost a year until he could finally pass as an Englishman.
On the day of the robbery he donned his mask, rushed into the bank and said, "I say there, I'm terribly sorry but this is a robbery. Be a good chap and fill this sack with lots of lovely lolly."
The cashier said, "You're Irish aren't you?"
Paddy was astonished. "How the divil did ye figure dat out?", he asked.
The cashier replied, "It was easy, you've sawn the wrong end off your shotgun!"
Burial At Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, decide to open a pub.
Bizarrely, it is a complete disaster. For reasons they cannot fathom, they have no customers. The pub is a failure - they are staring financial ruin in the face.
"Mick," says Paddy, with an air of desperation, "I think we should close the pub and open a brothel."
"Don't be ridiculous, Paddy," says Mick. "If we can't sell beer, we'll never sell soup."
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Paddy and Mick
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will" replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well... yes", says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless fecking eejet.”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?' 'Denise,' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved. 'Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. '
Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London . She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London ?"
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mum, same "Won it at bingo!"
Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mum! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin'," replies her mum, "but we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Irish Wedding And Irish Wake
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town pub, where Mick bragged to Sean,
It's been reported in the news that an Irish family froze to death outside a Dublin Cinema.
They had been queueing for 3 weeks to see the film "Closed for the Winter"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor .. "Not a chance", she said . "He won't even take an aspirin"
"Not a problem", replied the doctor . "Give him! an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it . Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress . The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Irish Medical Alert
An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and 1 Samsung,
No Siemen was found....
Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see anyone who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"
Paddy & Murphy are walking through the glens of Scotland when they come across Jock holding his mate Mac by the ankles over the side of a bridge.
"What you doing?" says Paddy.
"Trout tickling" says Jock.
"How's that work then"
"Well, I hold Mac over the bridge by his ankles and Mac tickles trout below which relaxes them and he can then simply pick it up and it will feed us for two days"
Suddenly, "PULL ME UP, PULL ME UP" came Macs voice and Jock pulled him up and Mac had a nice trout in his hands.
So the next day the Irishmen are out walking again and Paddy says to Murphy, "we will have to try this trout tickling you know. Here's a bridge. Let me dangle you over the side".
So Paddy has Murphy by the ankles and after five minutes says "Have you got anything Murphy" - "not yet" came the reply.
after another ten minutes "Have you got anything Murphy" - "Not yet"
Suddenly, Murphy shouts "PULL ME UP, PULL ME UP!"
So Paddy looks over the side and says "Why Murphy, have you caught a trout?"
"No, there's a train coming"!!!!!!!!!
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over. "Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Did you hear about the Irish sky diver who fell to his death last week when his flippers failed to open?
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
"So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.
"My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Mick is appearing on the Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush!!!! Remember Mick its worth 1 Million."
Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in BallygoOn." (ringing)
Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush!!!!
Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is."
Gay: "Are you confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won I MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick." (clapping)
That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!!How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know fuck all about birds?????"
Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that feckin Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland and asks the bartender about the quickest was to get to Dublin. The barkeep replies, "Are you walking or driving?" The Irishman says that he is driving. The barkeep says, "That's the quickest way!"
Paddy had been drinking all day and most of the night at his local Dublin pub. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."
Paddy replies " Ok Mick, Oil be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, Feels better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.
"Bejaysus, I'm wrecked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors downa and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door then collapses inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No effinchance.". But, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step Into the bedroom and falls flat on his face.
I gotta stop drinkin" he says as he drags himself across the floor and into bed.
The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit much to drink last night?
Paddy says"I did Jess, I did. I was pissed. How'd you know?
"Mick, the bartender phoned. Yuh left ya wheelchair at the pub."
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning O'Malley.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
An Irish man & 7 English men are in a police line up on a rape case.
The victim walks in and the Irishman shouts "That's her!"
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Seanin said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
12 bags of sand and 4 bags of cement have been found in Dublin......
Police suspect they've foiled a Mortar attack
Irish Muslim Terrorists
23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin............
Police believe that "Irish muslims" have set off the first "No more nails" bomb.
Irish Suicide Attacks
In response to threats of suicide attacks, security guards at Dublin airport have been taking away passengers' belts and shoelaces
What's that noise ?
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."