Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, Resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and Proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then Pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the gits I'm putting next to them in France.

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, 'Ah, young love. Ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly, he drew in a gasp and said, 'Mais, Sacre bleu! Ze woman, she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, 'Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in farmer Gaston's field making love.' The police chief smiled and said, 'Come, come, Henri you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.''Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. 'Pierre! Pierre, this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'

To which Pierre replied, 'Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring. Ze air, ze flowers, ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.' Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, 'NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, 'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants, he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, 'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is English.'

Q: How many generations does it take to learn ingratitude?
A: Trois

Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman: "Excuse me. Do you speak German?"
The Frenchman replied "No."
Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome"

A French rifle for sale on ebay:
"It's never been fired and it's been dropped only once."

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its military.

The Associated Press Friday, August 5, 2005; 11:00 PM PARIS, France.

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.

Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.

A man askes his friend,"What's the most common French expression"?

His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

What do you call a French shoe designer?
Phillippe Philloppe

Q: How do you get the cork back in a bottle of champagne?
A: Ask the French Olympic Committee!

A French hairdresser (who speaks like Inspector Clouseau) starts work in England:

Customer: "I'd like a perm please"

Hairdresser: "Certainly Madame, I wandered lonely as a cloud...."

I went to see the local doctor in France. I said "Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?"

He said: " A shoebox."

I never did like French doctors......................................

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started weeing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorts the policeman as he unzips his pants and begins to take a leak too, "It's the French Embassy."

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."