Is it a biological coincidence, or a matter of function, that my index finger fits perfectly in my nostrils, my ears and my bumhole?
(Taken from the book 'Do Ants have Arseholes? and 101 other bloody ridiculous questions', by Jon Butler and Bruno Vincent)
-- Lollipop

Remember 49 is the old age of youth but 50 is the youth of old age!
-- Shirley

I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Sign on a toilet door.... beware of Limbo Dancers
-- William Thomas

Ah, the golden years. When actions creak louder than words.

If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence?

How come you never go out with the same girl twice? -- Jack the Ripper's mother

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the hydrant

I have finally found the key to happiness. Unfortunately fate had the locks changed.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me."

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

When arguing with a stupid person, be sure he isn't doing the same.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

If you arrested a mime, would you still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Never test the depth of a river with both feet. -- African proverb

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an car accident, you begin to worry about history.......

Apathy: One good thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to show you're sincere about it.

Your achievement is the beauty of your life.
-- Madagascar Proverb

Crows everywhere are equally black.
-- Chinese proverb

I found my "inner child" ... and put the brat up for adoption.

Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.

I got lost in thought... it was unfamiliar territory.

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
Marlene Daniels

"Now if a man tried to take his time on earth and prove before he died what one mans life would be worth, well I wonder what would happen to this world"
The late & great Harry Chapin

HTMLer's do it in parsing! squiffy

Ask not what you can do for your country, but how much it's going to cost! squiffy

I'm always right, but should I be wrong, it's your fault. S.Tiemann. USA

If at first you don't succeed - suck harder!! squiffy

"My mother made me a homosexual." Below that, in different handwriting: "If I left her the wool, would she make me one too?"! T. Mancuso. USA

Suggestions for his tombstone:

"I want to thank my Mom and Dad. Without them I would not be here today" (attributed to Dustin Hoffman) C. Cox. USA

Some people are like Slinkies....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

If Pringles' slogan is "once you pop you can't stop," how come it comes in a resealable lid?

If there's one thing I hate, it's a proctologist with poor depth perception.

"What are we doing in this hand-basket, and where's it going?" Stevie Blunder