A record company have launched a CD with a compilation of your favourite tunes which you'd hear at your local indian restaurant so that when you have a curry at home you can feel really authentic. (that's true btw).
Anyway, they suggested what the songs might be called :
Tikka Chance on me
I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
Meanwhile In Africa
Three guys were on safari, deep in the Kruger National Park, when one of them stopped suddenly and yelled at the top of his voice: "Hip! Hip! Hip!" And the others joined in: " Hurrah ! " That was when a pod of hippopotamuses trampled the two guys and the stutterer.
A mushroom who couldn't get a date said, "I don't know why the girls don't like me. I'm such a fungi."
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
I'm far too charitable. I've volunteered to do my escapology act at the church fete. God knows how I'm going to get out of that one.
I'm in training for the new Hide & Seek season. I need to be careful not to Peek too early
When life gives you snomel, you have dyslexia.
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walkover to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Sir, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
I just bought a very old sewing machine, but it seams ok.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Cokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in, and . . .well, you know the rest.
I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.
I'd better lilo................
I've been teaching a few hobbits how to play cricket.
Bilbo's good at catching, but he can't really Frodo.
What has four wheels and flies?...........................
A wheelie bin
How do you talk down a cheese standing at the edge of a cliff?
New Year's Resolution
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.......... 1024×768
It's not that I don't know how to juggle, I just don't have the balls …
My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.
Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life.
I got fired whilst working at Blackpool pleasure beach once.
But I successfully sued them for funfair dismissal..........
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"
"I'm a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning.
I don't know what to make of it.
Robber:- Give me the money or you're Geography.
Does anyone have the owners manual for a wife?
Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise........
What do you call a dead magician's assistant?
I got kicked out of the opera last night for bringing my own food in with me. I was gutted. It's been ages since I've had a barbecue.
There used to be 50 dwarves, but it wasn't until they were down to 8 before someone suspected Hungry....
Did you hear about the burglar who broke into the calendar factory?
He got twelve months.
My mate has a fear of high walls.
He's having real trouble getting over it.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. "I think some- thing is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" asks Quasimodo.
"Oh," replies the doctor... "just a hunch."
1. Nigella's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
2. Nigella's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
3. Nigella's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
4. Nigella's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice..
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough!. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
5. Nigella's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
6. Nigella's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into a big glass of vodka : Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't care!
7. Nigella's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?
8. Nigella's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles The Real Woman's Way
Left over wine???? Hellllooooooooooo!!
Why don't pirates have any aspirin?
Parrots ate 'em all.
I bought a new abacus from a street corner salesman this morning.
I said "This looks a bit dodgey, are you sure it's going to work?"
"Don't count on it" he replied
The credit crunch is worse than I thought.
I just got a letter from Readers Digest saying I had not been included in this months prize draw.
I've been unable to get the letters A E I O and U out of my head.
I think I've got Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
Today, I was amazed when I found out the hard way how police now stop criminals.
I was stunned.
I completely forgot how to throw my boomerang this morning..
But then it came back to me.
I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.
They kept asking me trick questions.
What do Blackpool donkeys get for dinner?
Half an hour
...........into an ice cream van last night.
I got away with hundreds and thousands.
Her Hand In Marriage
A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "Take her with you!"
In a lift
I got in a lift yesterday and ended up standing next to this woman. She smelled just like my ex-girlfriend, the same perfume or something like that. I think it's great how an aroma can make you think of something else and remind you of certain things.
Anyway, I'm in this lift strangling this woman...
Getting Son To Sleep
The dad is telling his son stories to help him sleep. The only sound is the murmur of dad's voice.
Two hours pass, and there's silence in the room. The mother creeps to the door and whispers: "Is he asleep dear?"
"Yes, Mummy" says her son.
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Boat for sale
A man is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamican putting up a sign, 'Boat for Sale'.
The man looks but all he sees is a caravan and a jeep.
He goes up to the Jamaican and asks, "Where's the boat? All I can see is a caravan and a jeep". "Yes mon", replies the Jamaican, "And they're boat for sale."
A man who robbed banks, dressed as a woman, has finally been caught.
The judge gave him a long prison sentence, and warned him that his career as a female impersonator was probably not over just yet...
People are saying that food is too expensive but on the whole i think supermarkets are great value. £1 for a trolley, you can't argue with that can you. I'ts cheaper than a pram - bit embarrasing for the kids though, but money is money
I believe I am Royal. Not that I speak with Prince Charles' posh accent, but I look a lot like Camilla when I wear a dress............
The anti terrorist squad are looking into claims that some tins of Alphabeti Spaghetti have been tampered with and that explosive devices could have been placed in them, a spokesman has said "If one of these tins were to explode it could spell disaster".
My Mum had always wanted.........
to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her one for her birthday.
A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing.
"We returned the piano," said Dad. "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because," he explained, "with a clarinet, she can't sing along."
I was in a restraunt last night and got into a fight with one of the waiters
He threw a prawn cocktail at me
And that was only for starters
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
There was a man in the hospital bed. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
The guy next to him asked, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "I'm a former window cleaner."
"When did you give it up?"
What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head?
A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialise. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbours' house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialise. The men were talking and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
Good news, Bad news
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
Him: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
Her: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Him: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
Her: "Well, the airbag works."
A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.
"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
A little boy went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, where did I get all my intelligence from?"
The father replied "Well son you must have got it from your mother, cos I still got mine."
How To Acieve An Unlimited Supply Of Cheap Energy
Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien Civilisation Ever to Reach Earth...
"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilisation until entropy reaches maximum! TRY IT!!! IT REALLY WORKS!!!!!!"
Why are we here?
On a beautiful Summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.
After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said "Dad, why are we here?"
"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.
We're here to savour the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for our team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.
Does that answer your question, son?"
"Not really, Dad."
"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mum said to pick her up over an hour ago?"
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, South East Trains
Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Your truly, A Commuter
An African Tale
A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead elephant, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy said, "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "We have about three hundred members."
Tactics: A new kind of breath mint for dyslexics
How do you make a Mexican chilli?
I'm reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
Carlos the ice-cream man’s van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But no sign of Carlos.
A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?
He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos, lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.
"Get back kids" he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station. "Sarge get someone down here quick" he stutters "Carlos the ice-cream man ......... He’s topped himself !"
A couple on a safari was going through Africa when a lion leaped out, attacking the husband. As the lion was about to put the man's head in his mouth, the victim yelled to his wife, "Shoot! Shoot!"
The wife called back, "I can't, I'm out of film!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says 'Nothing, but you left your injun runnin"
Once some bank robbers charged into Barclays Bank in the High Street. One of them pointing the gun at the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You're meant to say HISTORY."
The bank robber answered, "Don't change the subject!"
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the neighbour. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison."
Organic Farm Shop
The organic farm shop near me has an automatic water spray to keep produce fresh. Just before the intermittent mists begin, you hear sounds of a thunderstorm coming and smell the smells of a fresh rain.
When you approach the milk section, you hear mooing cows and smell the various scents of fresh dairy products.
When you approach the eggs, you hear hens cackling and the air is filled with the pleasing sounds of farm life.
But I'm going to buy my toilet paper at Tesco.................
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
Hermit Crab and Sand Crab were best friends. One day, the tide washes them ashore and they dry up and die. Hermit Crab goes to heaven and Sand Crab goes to hell. Hermit Crab likes heaven a lot, but he misses his friend. God gives him permission to visit Sand Crab in hell on the condition that the visit only lasts one day.
Hermit Crab takes the elevator from heaven to hell, and meets Sand Crab, who is glad to see him. Sand Crab tells Hermit Crab that hell really isn't a bad place. In fact, he has been made the owner of a dance club. Sand Crab takes Hermit Crab to the club. Because he has his heavenly harp, everyone there asks Hermit Crab to play a few gigs, so he does, and Sand Crab and Hermit Crab have fun all night.
At a few minutes before midnight, Hermit Crab knows he has to leave. After a tearful farewell, he steps on the elevator and returns to heaven. Once there, he says to God, "Wait, I have to go back!" God asks why. He says, (in best Tony Bennett croon) "I left my harp in Sand Crab's disco!"
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cut her off and reassured her, "I know, I know, I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.'"
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
Is a chicken crossing the road poultry in motion?
An 18th-century vagabond, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No! Damn it!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?"
"Why do you ask?" the man replied.
The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."
Two men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I Saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year Is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people, and those with MS, have to make to the toilet during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More...................
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets.
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outside toilet, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son,....... George Washington's father wasn't actually in the cherry tree at the time."
Man goes to the doctors and says 'I'm hard of hearing'.
The Dr. says What are the symptoms?
The man replies 'It's a cartoon on Channel 4 at 6pm'.
Top 10 worst ever opening story lines
This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
A customer-service rep for a car-rental company, took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on the M25, but didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
The rep asked for a more detailed description, something beyond "a red hatchback."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
My cuckoo clock is broken -- all it does is come out and shrug.
£££ REWARD £££ Lost Dog!
My girlfriend keeps putting joss sticks all over the house.
Q: Which R&B singer is most popular with old sailors?
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are baseless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
A man takes a salmon into a fish and chip shop:
Man: "Hello, do you do fish-cakes?"
Assistant: "Sorry, we're right out at the moment"
Man: "That's a shame - it's his birthday..."
An ice cream salesman was found dead yesterday, covered in raspberry sauce and coconut.
Police believe he topped himself.....
A retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Why are pirate's called pirate's?
Because they arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
A cement lorry has collided with a prison van on the M4.
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A Peterborough man was found
dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man
face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and
cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his botty.
Child doing his homework:
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "my position - well I'm a Marketing Director of a medium sized computer company in the East Midlands."
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds."
I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
Warning for Men... Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs. "Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves,his father bought him United Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Where do you get Mercury?
Our Auntie Marge is ill all the time. If it's not one thing it's another.
We always say.....
I can't believe shes not better?
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
I got stung by a bee yesterday
Twenty quid for a jar of honey.
Teacher: According to Archimedes, what happens when a body is immersed in water?
Henry: Usually the phone rings.
Watching the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £75.50."
A policman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: "Would you please blow into this bag, Sir"
I said: "What for, Officer?"
He said: "My chips are too hot!"
Working the System...
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they would be available.
I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all." And within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
What Spell did Harry Potter use to reach the roll of ancient parchment from the top shelf in the library ... ?
- scroll down
You know you're getting forgetful when...
We were on our way to the hospital where our friends 14-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.
During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Squiffs," the teenager asked,
Without hesitation I quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
Excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
12. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
16. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
The three stages of MotherHood
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your ob-gyn confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your regular clothes ARE your maternity clothes.
The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Sounds good to me!
Preparing for birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing regularly.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in the 8th month.
1st baby: You prewash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure the clothes are clean and discard only those with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they??
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick up the baby when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3yr old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swim and Baby Story Hour
2nd baby: Your take your infant to Baby Gymnastics
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
I was shocked to hear on the news tonight that the BBC Director-General has waved his bonus.
That's awful - all those people being made redundant and he goes around waving his big fat cheque in front of them.
English as foreigners see it......
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpuse.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpuse.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist.
A traslated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laudry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the tap in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranted to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towel please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
* English well talking.
A police officer is interviewing a bank manager after their bank had been robbed three times by the same criminal.
"Did you notice anything unusual about the man?" asks the officer.
"Yes," replies the manager, "he was better dressed each time."
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink- The bartender says, "You're a MUSHROOM! We don't serve mushrooms here!!"
The mushroom looks hurt and looks up at the bartender and says, "Aw c'mon... I'm really a fun-guy!"
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
The Company behind Pedigree pet foods has just announced that it is insolvent.
They called in the Retrievers this morning.................
When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher,
William Shakespeare starts a fight in a pub. Landlord comes over and says "you're barred".
While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis.
It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.......
Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
My dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
Seems an elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%.
The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the man said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Someone has chopped all the heads off of my Daffodils.......
I think it was a Stalker
I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny'is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be:'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
After an Air Jamaica flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain; welcome to Flight 025, non-stop from Kingston to Miami . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...OH, MY GOD!"
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the FRONT of my trousers!"
One Jamaican passenger yelled, "You BUMBO Rassclaat eediot!.... you should see de BACK of my trousers!!!!!"
In The Jungle
Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pigmy standing over a dead lion.
During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer,
As I staggered......
out of the pub and down the street, I was stopped by a policeman.
He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"
I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."
He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"
"My wife," I said
The Human Race
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."
Robin hood's Last Arrow
Robin Hood lay dying his trusted aide, Little John, by his side. He whispered to John, "bring me my bow and my last arrow, I shall set it in flight and where it lands shall be my final resting place".
So the following day Little John and the rest of the merry men burried him. On top of the wardrobe.
At The Pub
Two blokes left the pub after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
`After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!"
The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
A woman is getting on a bus with her child and as she passes the driver he says "Oh my god what a hideously ugly baby!"
The horrified woman runs to the back of the bus in tears and takes a seat. The man sitting next to her asks her if she's ok.
The woman told him what had happened and the man said, "You should march right up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. I'll hold your monkey for you."
Mother In Law
The doorbell rang and when I opened the door I found my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course you can." And shut the door.
4 Letter Words
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... words like: DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK....
A Blonde And Two Chimps
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from London when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going anywhere near London?"
"Yes," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next two or three hours fixing my truck.My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to London Zoo.They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you £100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into the seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of London when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the Marleybone Rd. holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
"What the dickens do you think you'e doing?" asked the man."I thought I asked you to take them to London Zoo?" "I did," said the blonde,"but we had some money left over and now I'm taking them to Madam Tussauds!!"
Some good news, and some bad news.
There was this multi-millionaire who had absolutely everything, money (obviously), a country mansion, a beautiful wife, race horses, everything that a man could want. In fact he was so rich that he decided to go off to Africa on a three month safari to shoot big game.
When he got back, the chauffeur driven Rolls had just got to the large, ornate gates at the foot of the drive to the set back house, when it was met by Jeeves, the butler. The millionaire wound down the window of the Rolls and said "Hello Jeeves, what on earth are you doing here?"
The butler replied "Well sir, I've got some good news and some bad
"I got a job at the bowling alley.."
"no, it's full time.."
These 2 music lovers a held hostage and both are going to be shot. One is a country music lover and the other is a classical music lover. Before they are shot they are asked for one last request.
So the Country lover says "I would like to listen to Achy Breaky heart 50 times over" and the classical lover says "shoot me first".
Just finished the Harry Potter book. Found it a bit far fetched... Flying cars and magic - OK, but a ginger kid with 2 friends? Come on...
Antiques In The Attic
A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news."
"What's the good news?" the senior asked.
"The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso,"
replied the appraiser. "Fantastic! What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso wasn't much cop at making violins either."
Some bloke down the pub offered me 8 Venison legs for £50.
Is that two deer?
This woman goes into the police station: "Last evening, I was doing chicken for dinner, and I sent my husband out to the Tescos for some potatoes. He's never come back. What should I do?" Says the police officer: "Well, rice goes great with chicken!!"
An cash machine in Sheffield gave out £10,000 extra to people making withdrawls. It could take the bank as much as three hours to make it all back in service charges................
Q.What's red and white on the outside and grey on the inside?
A. Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup
Carl And Vera
Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a windsurfer having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water. They both watched the surfer go up and down while he was crying out for help. When he sank for the final time Vera ordered Carl to dive for the man. After some discussion Carl gave up and dived to the bottom of the lake, pulled the man up on the lakeside.
Vera looked at the guy and found out that he wasn't breathing. This time Vera ordered Carl to give mouth to mouth. Carl knew what he had to do and started up. After the first blow of air in the drowned guys mouth he suddenly pulled his head back while shouting out : "Oh my God, this guy smells horrible".
Vera first looked at Carl then at the drowned guy and replied: "Carl - I'm sorry to say - I don't think this is the right guy,this one is wearing skates !!!!!!"
When Lord Nelson saw a French ship on the horizon, he said, "Cabin boy, get my red jacket." The cabin boy ran and got the coat. Just before Nelson engaged in battle, he put the red coat on. Several days later, there were two French ships on the horizon. "Cabin boy, bring me my red jacket." And again, just before he engaged in battle he put the red coat on.
One of the new sailors on board who witnessed this asked, "Why do you always put on your red jacket just before we engage in battle? "I wear the red jacket just in case I'm wounded during the battle. I don't want my troops to see any blood. As commander of the fleet, I must never show any fear during battle."
Several days later, the entire French fleet was spotted on the horizon. "Cabin boy, bring me my brown trousers!"
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies,"Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every forth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Track And Field
The other day I was at a track and field event and I saw this guy in a white tracksuit with a long fibreglass pole.
I asked him "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Valter?
Two pirates are walking down the road and the one says,
"Thats a lovely pair of earrings, how much did you pay for them?"
"Two bucks ", the other replies
"not bad for a buccaneer............. "
Two sodium atoms were walking down the street on a nice hot summer day.
One said to the other, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
After a moment he replies, "I'm positive!"
A grandmother was pushing her granddaughter around Asda in a pushchair.
Each time she put something in her basket, she would say, "And here's something for you, Degree," or "This will make a nice little outfit for you Degree," and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your granddaughter Degree?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Uni and this is what she came home with!"
My Grandad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."
An American Lift
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."
At A London Club
At one of the better clubs in London, a young man comes up to an older one and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm told you were with the India Regiments during the great days of the British Empire. I've always been fascinated by that period. Would you mind chatting with me about it for a bit?"
The older man huffs a bit and replies, "Really damned decent of at least some of you youngsters to take in interest in what we old duffers have to say. What would you like to know?"
"Well, sir, perhaps you could tell me the most exciting thing that ever happened to you."
"The most exciting thing, eh. I suppose that would be the time I got separated from my regiment in the Khyber Pass and had to go on foot in search of them. About the third day, I came around a bend in the trail to come face to face at close range with huge tiger. Just as I saw him, he reared on his hind legs and went 'RROWWWR!!' By Jove, I fouled my britches!"
"I would too, sir, if I were suddenly faced by a tiger like that."
"No, no. Not then, just now when I went RROWWWR!"
Ladies Changing Rooms
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
Two missionaries are looking down into jungle clearing at hundreds of natives gathered around a stone likeness of a huge zero.
They strain to hear what they're all chanting, but finally make it out: "Nulll, nulll, nulll...".
"My God!" one says quietly to the other. "Is nothing sacred?"
Walking into a lingerie shop, a customer says to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."
The assistant asks, "Sheer?"
The man replies "No. She's in Tescos."
A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman..........
A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Pakistani, a man with one leg, an a dwarf with a parrot on his head walk into a bar and the barman says........
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Esso Garage...................
Many of the world's greatest runners come from Kenya where they have a unique training program -- it's called a lion.......
I hear that Pickabo Street, the Olympic star, is donating her money for a very special hospital wing.
It will be called the Pickabo ICU.
Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lived, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs, not even on the bitterest day. So the Laird asked, "Alan, did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?"
"Well Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." Alan replied.
"Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?"
Alan explained, "I was wearing 'em the first day, Sir, when a laddie offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didna hear him! Never again, Sir, never, ever again!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who was sick after going to an Indian restaurant?
Cats vs Women
1) Cats do what they want.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
It is no real new thing this face transplant technology. For many years the women I know have been having it done.
The real mystery is how they manage to get it done between when I go to bed with them and when I wake up..............
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favourite fairy tales. "Mummy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'?"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . . '"
I've been working at the Samaritans for a couple of months now.
I tried to phone in sick yesterday, but they managed to talk me out of it.....................
What Sort Of Elephant?
This Glasgow man was always robbing jewelry shops, and his method was, he had an elephant, and took it inside, and all the people ran out terrified, and the elephant would suck up all the jewelry.
After the latest robbery, the police asked the owner of the shop, "What kind of elephant was it??"
And the owner of the shop said "I don't know."
The Police said "well theres two kinds of elephants, an African, and an Indian elephant, one with big ears and one with small ones."
The bloke says "How would I know, it had a nylon stocking over its head."
The secret to enjoying a good red wine is:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
The world's population is poised to reach 9.2 billion in 2050, with growth mainly in the developing nations. The growth population in the U.S. and U.K. was expected to decline but will remain steady thanks to Angelina Jolie and Madonna....................
Mark Antony: I want to see Cleopatria.
Two 90 year old men, Harry and Tom, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Harry is dying, Tom visits him every day. One day Harry says, "Tom, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Harry looks up at Tom from his death bed," Tom, you've been my friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Harry passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Tom - Tom!."
"Who is it? asks Tom sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Tom --it's me, Harry." "You can't be Harry. Harry just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Tom," insists the voice."
"Harry? Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Harry. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Tom.
"The good news," Harry says," is that there really is football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Tom. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're playing on Tuesday."
Waking Up Early
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.
"How do you get your Stuart up so early on school mornings?" asks one of them.
"Oh, that's easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog."
Morris And Esther
Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid........And £50 quid is £50 quid".
One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know..........
£50 quid is £50 quid.......!"
Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars always wants more.
Three ministers were together one day and the subject of: When does life begin came up. The youngest said, "Life begins at conception." Another said, "No, life begins at birth!" The old wise minister stated, "No life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog dies!
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote :
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote:
The captain was sober today.
An interoffice rounders game was held every summer between the marketing department and the IT support staff of a company.
Last year the support staff soundly whipped the marketing department.
But to show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2006 Rounders Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. IT Support, however, had a rather dismal season, as they managed to only win one."
One armed butlers can take it but can't dish it out.......
The worst time to have a Heart Attack......
Must be in the middle of "charades"
Q: Two flies are in a teapot. Which one is pregnant?
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet are developing satellite-based weapons."
The second guy, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "An emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "They have it aimed at themselves."
What a ripoff!
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that BLASTED truck!"
A woman goes to France to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "A French girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you".
"And, what happened to my present?"
"What I asked for.... the French girl?
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl..."
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
I bought some HP sauce the other day it's costing me 6p a week for 12 months..............
On A Stormy Night
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Alice," she said to her maid, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests' names as they arrive." Alice's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years."
Hard Disk Spouse
And An Angel.................
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."
"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.
Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his entrance.
The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance.
No little boy.
The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right.
No little boy.
The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures. The choir thundered into the line. The curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"
And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right,
"...and the cat peed on the matches!"
Beware of the Dog
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A man went to a pet shop to get a fish. As he was looking around the shop, he noticed a strange, brightly coloured fish. He asked the owner what the fish was called. “That's a parrot fish,” said the owner. “It sings like a bird.”
The man was incredulous. The owner sensed the man's hesitancy and told him he could bring the fish back if he wasn't satisfied. About a week later, the man returned to the shop to return the fish. The shop owner asked him why. The man replied, “You were right. The fish can sing. But, he's horribly off key, and it is just too difficult to tuna fish.”
Genuine Newspaper Headlines
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Police help dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
British Left waffles on Falkand Islands
Green, pink and yellow
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. If you pass this test you will get the job"
Mujibar said, "OK"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words green, pink and yellow."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green and I pink it up, and say, 'yellow, this is Mujibar'."
Mujibar now works as a senior support technician at a well known computer call center.
A gent from Chicago was on a fishing vacation up north in the Wisconsin woods. He was out fishing on a lake in a small boat and not having much luck.
He noticed a man in another small boat that was close by, open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and enquired, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," replied the other man. "I Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim up to the surface. Then I just reach down, net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?" exclaimed the guy from Chicago.
"You bet it does." was the response.
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $50 for it." offered the big city gent.
"Well, okay." said the country guy. After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many did you catch this week?"
"You're the sixth."
A jeweller standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling head first through the window of the shop.
"What the hell are you up to?" he demanded.
"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick."
Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
Ladies Toilet Mirror
Legend has it that there is a bar in Glasgow where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.' Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, 'I think I'm the sexiest woman alive.' Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, 'I think...' Poof.
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far- away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"
There was a fight.....
..........in our local Fish and Chip shop last night...
.....two fish got battered
In The Park
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Hyde Park in London and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', eh? Well, how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the pub. He ordered a pint of "Badgers Nadgers" and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth today, sir!"
I said to the gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked, "How flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
He just looked at me and shook his head. I'm not sure why???
A man whose wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth. So he rang up from the pub to see if the baby had come yet.
The nurse said, "It's a girl but there's another one on the way."
He downed a quick celebratory drink, then called back. The nurse said, "It's another girl but there's another coming."
He gulped another drink and rang back. The nurse told him "It's a boy this time, but there's yet another one coming."
Another few drinks left him groggy. After half an hour, he called back, hands shaking, and accidentally dialled the cricket line. He asked, "How many did we get?"
The person online replied "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck."
The man fainted.
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied...
Xenophobia: Fear or Hatred of Foreigners
Xenaphobia: Fear of Warrior Babes
A new, and nervous, student teacher was meeting a junior school class for the first time. He decided he ought to try and get to know the kids a bit, so he asked the first child what his dad did.
The little boy said, "My dad's a mechanic!" The next little boy proudly said, "My dad is a doctor."
The teacher was beginning to feel a little less scared of his new job, and turned to the third child. "And what does your daddy do?"
The third child went red in the face and started to cry. "My daddy's dead," he said. The teacher didn't know where to turn. "What did your dad do before he died?", he desperately asked.
"He puked up and went blue."
Mrs. Squiffs and her friend were talking about their labour-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Her friend said, "I love my new garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and she beeped the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage...!
Fred The Butcher
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered Fred the butcher's shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
He offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get from me, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother what Fred had said.
The woman nodded and said........................................
"Son, go back to Fred the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, free car servicing, free drinks at the local pub, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order.
He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.
Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.
Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him.
Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket.
Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1945.
He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 61years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was.
He can't believe his good luck, the shoe repair store is still there.
He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old shoemaker.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 65 years.
"Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.
Sy is amazed.
What good fortune!
What a coincidence!
Only in America!
Herman comes back.
"I've still got your shoes. They'll be done Friday!"
TOILET OUT OF ORDER..... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
In a London department store:
In an office:
In an office:
Outside a secondhand shop:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a farmer's field:
On a repair shop door:
2 pieces of meat at a bar.
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A. Ammo
I went into PC World the other day.
You have to watch what you say in there....
1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'
This guy bought a parrot fish because the salesman said that he could teach the fish to sing. His friend tried to tell him he couldn't teach a fish to sing, and he said, "I can to teach him how to sing, he does sing but he sings in the wrong key. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"
I rushed around all day in a tizzy. It handled pretty well, but the mileage was terrible.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. What scares me is that it was a Barry Manilow song.....
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags: he's bisatchel..............
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Avoid this product
Parachute For Sale: Never Been Opened, slight stain (Used Once).
Two elderly people lived in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower, she a widow. They'd known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a special supper in the community center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went home to their respective abodes.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even the faintest of memories. So with trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who'd actually asked me."
I have a stepladder and it's a nice stepladder but, it's sad that I don't know my real ladder....
What do you do if attacked by a circus?
Go for the juggler!
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Doctor: Do you remember your husband's last words before the paralysis overcame him?
Wife: Oh yes. He said, "I wonder how they can make a profit selling this red salmon at 99 pence a can?"
It's been a very long while since Mrs. Squiffs. and I went to a movie, preferring to watch DVDs on our home TV.
Anyway, after buying the ticket, I stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
I saw that the price was £2.50 and commented "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 75 pence!"
"Well, sir," the young attendant replied, "you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now. And colour!"
I hate comedians..............:O)
The woman whose voice provided the speaking clock has passed away.
Apparently it was her third stroke..............
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360's.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet."
There was a man found dead in his home in Colchester this morning. He was face down in his bathtub which was filled with milk, corn flakes, and sugar. The preliminary assessment by police suggests that he was murdered by a cereal killer.
First World War
Jimmy was from Manchester and was drafted into the the Queens Lancashire Regiment. He passed through training and was sent to the front.
He waited, and waited, then one day the order came "Over the top". He went over the top into battle, and in the smoke and noise and confusion he became separated from his pals. All alone on the battlefield his nerve broke and he ran.
He came to his senses and thought "bloody hell, what have I done". He wandered around and came across an officer. He quickly blurted out "I'm sorry Captain, my nerve broke, I became separted from my unit and I ran".
"CAPTAIN" thundered the officer, "I'M A COLONEL".
"Oh blimey" said Jim, "I haven't run that far have I?"
A man with a stutter was lost, so he stopped a passer-by to ask for directions: "Ex-ex-c-c-c-use m-m-m-m-m-me, c-c-can you t-t-t-tell me the way to 1113 H-H-H-Ho-wa-wa-wa-ward Lane where the new st-st-st-st-st-stuttering sch-sch-sch-school is?"
The other guy replied, "What do you want to go there for, you can already do it!"
Farmer In An Airplane
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
The following conversation was overheard at a party attended by high society people:
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady.
She turned to a second lady and said, "And how far does your family go back, Miriam?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the Flood."
One day an elderly lady was shocked by the language used by two men repairing telephone wires near her home. She even wrote a letter to the company complaining about the manner. The foreman was ordered to report the happening to his superior. "Me and Joe Wilson were on this job," he reported. "I was up on the telephone pole and I accidentally let hot lead fall on Joe and it went down his neck. Then he called up to me, 'Harry, you really must be more careful,' "
The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
Two oranges walk into a bar.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Recipe for African Stew
1 Elephant, Medium Size
Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months.
Place the meat pieces into a large pot.
Dice potatoes, carrots and onions into one inch cubes and add to pot.
Chop garlic into fine pieces and add to the mixture.
Add enough brown gravy to cover completely.
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Cover and cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.
Stir the contents vigorously every 30 minutes.
This will serve about 3800 people.
If more are expected, the two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.
Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"