Oy Ve! Jewish Humour
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What a surprise Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and gives birth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when they hear the news - they know of no-one who has had triplets before. As soon as she hears the news, Miriam's mother-in-law Fay goes to visit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fay hands over the bunch of grapes and says, "What a surprise, Miriam. No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, let alone triplets." "Yes, it was a bit of a shock," replies Miriam, "but I'm getting over it. By the way, my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once every hundred thousand times." "Oy vey, Miriam," says Fay, "how on earth did you find the time to do your housework?"
Jewish Undertakers Two Jewish gentlemen were working at the undertakers, when a corpse was sent to them to be prepared for burial. One of them, looking at the dead man's penis, asks: "YOSSL HOST DU AMOHL GEZEYN AZANER?" (Yossl, have you ever seen one like this?) Yossl says: "AVREIMALE, ICH HOB DEM ZELBEN." (Avi, I've got one just like it.) Astonished, Avreimale asks: "AZOY GROYSS?" (As big as this one?) Yossl answers: "NEIN, AZOY TOIT!" (No, just as dead!)
Russian Strategy At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy". At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions. An officer stood up and asked: "Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative. The officer asked: "Who will be the enemy?" The General: "All indications point to China." All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: "General, we are only 250 million, but there are 1,500 million Chinese. Can we win at all?" The General: "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example in the middle east we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious." After a small pause the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews???"
Apple Strudel Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting for the end. Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Moishe is weak form illness and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I've been ill?" "Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "Very ill." The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion of speaking. "What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took the strudel out of the oven to cool." "A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of Sadie's strudel." The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request. . . only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by his father's side. Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?" To which the son replies, "I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"
4 Israelis Four Israelis are sitting in a restaurant in Tel Aviv. For a long time, nobody says a word. Finally, one man groans, "Oy." "Oy vey," says the second man. "Nu," says the third. At this the fourth man gets up from his chair and says, "Listen, if you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving."
The Rabbi Speaks Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back. When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to a football game. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This is believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."
Watches Squiffy goes into a shop in Tel Aviv after looking at all the watches in the shop window. "I'd like to buy a watch, please." --"But this isn't a watch store," says the owner. "I'm a moyel. I do circumcisions." "But...., but..., but..." says Squiffy, "what about all those watches in the front window?" Says the owner, "And just what would you have me put there?"
Moan It was with much wringing of hands that Rachael discovered her husband, Hymie, had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the goose that lays golden eggs, rather, she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't. After a long interrogation Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell you you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling". "Is that all" thought Rachael, "is that all there is to it?" That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie a shot of his favourite cognac and got him into bed. Half way through the business she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans. "Oh Hymie, darling" she began. "I've had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points. The washing machine broke down. you don't give me enough housekeeping money........"
Poodle An expensive poodle fell into the river and was having difficulty staying afloat. In fact it was drowning. Issac Goldstein dived in, brought the dog to shore, gave it mouth to mouth resuscitation and revived it. "That was wonderful", said the very grateful owner. "Are you a vet?" "Of course I'm a vet," replied Goldstein. "I'm a bloody soaking!"
The Rabbi and the Nun Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" "Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Will Power Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking. "Imagine that, Morty," she says, "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Morty keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Morty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Er... Marvin has started smoking again."
Wise Rabbi A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Business Ethics Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him." No sooner said than done. But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!" The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
Rabbi The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Finally, Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" Total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just mentioned to mein husband how nice it is that others were helping the Rabbi, and asked vat ve could do to help. He said, "Screw the Rabbi..."
Passover Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land. This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychiatrist, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious. The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.
Take It! A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?" The man then pleads, "I don't know why, but I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 5 hours. You want my advice?" "Yes, yes, of course." said the man. The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Bacon An old Jewish man, who has kept kosher his whole life, one day steps into a non-kosher butcher shop and says, "Excuse me.... how much is that bacon?" A bolt of lightning smashes into the ground next to him. He looks up and says, "I was JUST ASKING!"
Jewish Mothers MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?" CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write." MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye! THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!" PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?" MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?" BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?" BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"
Beatles - Top 20 Jewish Songs
20. Maybe I'm Aggravated Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark..." Tax inspector At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he began . . The Rabbi interrupted him: "Just before you ask what we do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions we perform, here, too we do not waste, What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Difficult Question One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men. "I have a question for you," says Rose. "So ask it already," says Sadie. "OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that he's attractive, do you think it's OK to ask him straight away whether he's married?" "No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."
Painting An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Jewish Bra A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Anglican bra." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Anglican bra keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?" "The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
Russian Meat Story One cold Russian winter in the Soviet era, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop. At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?" They did, and the line was shortened somewhat. At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?" They did, and the line was shortened again. At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?" Once again, the line was considerably shortened. At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!" This included just about everybody. Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half frozen old men. He told them, "There isn't any meat." The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"
Directions A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You're coming empty handed"?
Dog Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her. A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage." Rivkah agrees. What else can she do? During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know. When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims. "Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings." "This is not my dog", Rivkah insists. "How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain. "My dog is dead!"
Donation
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone. Shabbos
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop. Moses And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?!"
New Clinic A new clinic for depression is opening up in my town. It's being run by three Jewish doctors. It is being referred to as "OY's 'R US". Coughing It’s bitterly cold outside the shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that’s disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any shul member who begins coughing. So next shabbes, during the rabbi’s sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately gets up and walks out of the shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the shul?" Hyman replies, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said for cough’."
On Being a Success in Business.....
Just remember this rule of business" 'DBTY'
Fornication Zundell comes home from Yeshiva (Jewish Seminary), and asks his father, "Papa what's fornication?" Papa gets embarrassed, and suggests Zundell should ask Mama. He goes to the kitchen and asks Mama, "Mama, what's fornication?" Mama says, "Go and ask Bubby (Grandma), she'll tell you." Zundell goes to Bubby, and asks, "Bubby what's fornication?" Bubby says,"Come here, tatallah." She leads him to her closet, opens the door and takes out a beautiful gown, and says "This, tatellah, is foranoccasion."
Jewish Grandmother Grandmother was paddling at the edge of the sea and her little grandson close by jumping over the waves.............suddenly a huge wave rushes in without warning and the little boy is gone - totally disappeared. Grandmother starts ranting and raving: God - havent I always been a good Jewish grandmother, havent I always prepared the Sabbath just right, havent I always gone to the Synagogue every week, havent I always cooked good Kosher food.........the list went on and on.......... God answers "alright,already, you can have him back. Just lay off" The boy is suddenly back where he was before not even knowing what happened. The Grandmother calls out to God again "He had a hat"
Two Beggars Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David turns to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's here to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing!"
Jewish Mothers Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark..."
Lucky Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He’s now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one – a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story. Jacob tells him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party." The journalist is surprised. "But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that’s happened to you and your family?" Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, "It’s only fair. They gave me the numbers."
Plane Crash A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes?no matter what they are. He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?" The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot. The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?" He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot. The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals. The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"
Flucky... An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" (What did the doctor say?) "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."] "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!" Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky." Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky." Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?" "I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
Jewish Restaurant
Waiter to group of Jewish mothers dining in Jewish restaurant: Fanny and Myron Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown." Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo." Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown." Fanny again says, "No." Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again." "No." says Fanny. So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me." Fanny says, "Nooo." Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door." "No." says Fanny. Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down." Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"
Jewish Cookbook Q: What’s the first sentence you’ll find in a Jewish cook book? A: "Before you start, please take a few deep breaths and CALM DOWN."
Scottish Jew A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scot."
Love Making Yitzhak comes home one day to find his wife Rivkah crying. "What’s the matter, darling?" asks Yitzhak. "I’ve just found out that you've been having an affair with your secretary. How could you do this to me? Haven't I always been a good wife to you? Haven’t I cooked for you, raised your children and always been by your side when you needed me? What have I done to make you unhappy?" Yitzhak confesses, "It's true, you really are the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways - except one." "What’s that?" asks Rivkah. "You don't moan when we make love," replies Yitzhak. "Do you mean that if I did moan," says Rivkah, "you'd stop running around? In that case, let’s go to bed now so I can show you that I can moan during love making." So they go upstairs, get undressed and get beneath the sheets. As they kiss, Rivkah asks, "Now, Yitzhak, should I moan now?" "No not yet." Yitzhak begins fondling Rivkah. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of Rivkah and they begin to make love. "Is it time for me to moan, Yitzhak?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Then, seconds before reaching climax, Yitzhak yells, "Now, Rivkah, moan." "Oy vay! You wouldn't believe what a day I’ve just had!"
"You know," said Finkelstein, "being a doctor these days isn't so great. There are some kinds of scientists with much more prestige. I think lots of Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead of doctors." "Never," said his friend Goldman. "Why not?" "Because," said Finkelstein, "it's too hard to say 'My son, the nuclear physicist.'"
Benefits A Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family who employed him treated him. "You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits! I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah." "That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what's Rosh Hashanah?" "Oh, that's when they blow the shofar." "Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those are SOME benefits!"
Synagogue seating request form Last year, many of you expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat that will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue secretary's office as soon as possible. PLEASE PUT A TICK AGAINST YOUR CHOICES
1. I would prefer to sit in the: -
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest)
3. Who of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice? 4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority
___ On the aisle
5. I would like a seat where:
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: 7. Your name: __________________________________ 8. Building fund pledge: £_________________________
Confusion Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money."
Morris was attending his nephew's bar mitzvah dinner and dance. But, unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. Morris, not being the shy kind [imagine that!] stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150." His brother Murray's voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give $175!"
Hannah One morning, Hannah is on a bus on her way to the shopping mall when she notices a man sitting opposite her. "Hello," she says to him, "do you recognise me?" "No I don’t," he replies. "Are you joking?" says Hannah, "Are you really saying you don’t remember me?" "Madam," he replies, "I've never seen you before. "Oy vey, you're going to be so embarrassed when I tell you who I am," says Hannah. "OK," he says, "why do you think you know me?" "Because I went to your bar mitzvah, that's why," replies Hannah. "You’ve made a mistake then," he says, "because '’m not even Jewish." "You’re not Jewish?" says Hannah, "then please give me back my present."
According to Mel Gibson, the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Gee, I didn't know George Bush was Jewish.......
Apology Hezbollah leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah was seen on Lebanese television today criticising Israel. Afterwards, he apologised and entered a rehab facility.......
A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
Doctor's Help Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah." "We'll try," he replied compassionately. In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage. Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding." "We'll do our best," he replied. Ada happily attended her granddaughter's wedding. Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?" "Yes." "And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?" "Yes." "Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress." "Yes?" "It has a 20-year guarantee..."
Mistake A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please." At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling, handsome, black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.
Did you see that? As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbour's son Paul and his fiancée Sharon just going in. "Did you see that? " Sadie says. "See what?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to. "Paul's fiancee, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than 1 year." With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please God I should have such a year."
Jewish Thought for the Day The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
The Tao The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish......
Q: How many Jewish husbands does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know - it's never happened.
An auditor from The Internal Revenue pays a visit to the rabbi of a temple. "Tell me, Rabbi. A member of your temple, Abe Silverstein the real estate magnate, claims on his tax statement that he contributes £50,000 annually to the temple. Is that true?" The rabbi replied, "It is, now."
Marriage A marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a cofirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'... I didn't say they were mine!"
Fishing Jacob, Benny, Max and Hyman are out fishing early one Sunday morning. After an hour of fishing, Jacob suddenly breaks the silence and says, "You three have no idea what I had to do before I could come out fishing today. I had to promise my Rivkah that I would decorate our bedroom next Sunday." "That's nothing," says Benny, "I had to promise my Leah that I would build her a new terrace by the swimming pool." "Well," says Max, "you both had it easy. I had to promise my Sharon that I would completely refit our kitchen with new mahogany cupboards and the latest state of the art equipment." But Hyman has not said a word so they ask him what he did to come out fishing. Hyman replies, "I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I gave my Faye a firm nudge and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' She replied, "Don't forget your sweater."
In America After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But-- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks. "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama. "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
Prostatitis A senior citizen goes to the doctor with a urinary problem, trouble is he goes too often. The doctor has him give a specimen and then rejoins him in the small examining room. "Mr. Goldstein, you do not have a urinary tract infection. I suspect that you have prostatitis. Now," Mr. Goldstein interrupts him, "I can't have that. I'm Jewish."
Jewish Mother A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, he asked, "Mother, how are you?" "Fine." "Sorry, I have the wrong number."
Old Man Blumberg Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who had done well financially in ladies' underwear, asked his father if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and warm weather in his declining years. The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a kosher hotel. So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his father on a plane to Miami Beach. Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all seemed to be going quite well. Then, a few weeks later, when Sol had to make a business trip, he decided to drop in on pop unannounced and surprise him. When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father. He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel. Sol hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel. There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one Ms. Karen McMerty! Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door. Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed, redhead! And there, in the bed, was his father! Sol was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm shocked!! I don't know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age! Not to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!" The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, "Sol, what are you getting so excited for? It's not like I eat here."
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other a Star of David. Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
A little frail Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free. She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle. She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort. A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?" The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah!!!" (As an explanation to the goya, chutzpah can be generally described as a person being bold in nature and not afraid to take chances with either their actions or their mouth)
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Rabbi sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,” I need to get up and get a beer". "Don't get up," said the Rabbi, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too". Again, the Rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the Rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pee-ing in beers?"
An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" repeats the young man. The old Jew keeps silent. He tries again, "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?" The old Jew finally looks up and says "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Now, tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something! "Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger. "Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger. "After he died, I married his wife."
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks." "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls vere the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife'." "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?" "Vell, you know," said the old Jew, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
They are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. There are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games). b. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, this PC gets "Ferklempt". c. The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels". d. The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. e. After the computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. f . The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button. g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." h. The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" i. Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. j. You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. k. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that." l. When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You want I should fix this" message? m. When the PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Vey!" n. There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid ofthe "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. o. After 20 minutes of no activity, the PC goes into "Schloffen" mode. p. Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball soup. q. "Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem. r. If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself." s. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?" t. When you look at erotic images, the computer says, "If your mother knew you did this,she would die." u. Best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.
Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000." "$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi was not happy with the constant disturbances he was having during his sermons so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the 'coughing problem'. Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instrutions to give to any congregation member who was coughing a cough drop. So following his Rabbi's orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe gave them the cough drop and then strangely the member left the shul during the sermon. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone. After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall. Old Abe says, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, the Rabbi said 'For Cough!'"
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his university educated grandson to explain it to him. "Well, grandpa, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocaine, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of mathematical thinking for a moment and says, "And from this Einstein made a living?"
Two Jewish sisters-in-law (Ruth and Golda) meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes." After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?" Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?" "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry, Ruthie! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
Sadie and Yetta, two widows were talking: Sadie; "That nice Morris Finkelman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you before I give him an answer." Yetta; "Vell---I tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock.And like a mesch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car...a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner...Marvelous dinner. Lobster even." "Den ve go to a show...let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much. I could just die from the pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times." Sadie; "Oy! Vey.. so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him." Yetta; "No...I'm just saying, wear an old dress
You may need to be Jewish to understand this one........... SALVATION I don't know how it happened, but at Tel Aviv airport three men got talking, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew. They were discussing the airport security, when the Christian broached the subject of religion. The Jew and the Muslim listened with cynical smiles as he told his story. "I was brought up with God's Word," said the Christian, "But it was never until I really came into trouble that I learned to really trust in Jesus. I was flying from this very airport, bound for Chile, when it happened. We were flying over the Sahara desert, you see, and that was before there were weather satellites. We ran into one helluva storm-- there was sand everywhere. One of the turbines cut out, it had been destroyed by the flying sand. Well, gentlemen, I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed, Lord Jesus help me get out of this alive. And d'you know what happened? Suddenly, a big gap appeared in the storm. For two miles around the storm subsided, and the air was clear. I thank the Lord that we safely returned to Tel Aviv airport, although I never did make it to Chile." The Muslim did not usually talk about religion, but he was not to be outdone. He recalled an incident over the Gobi desert. "When I and my family were flying from Kazakhstan to Pakistan a few years back, a remarkably similar incident occurred. We were in the midst of a *terrible* storm, and the cabin crew had given up hope. I stood in the aisle and prayed to Allah and of course we were saved. The storm suddenly cleared, and for miles around there was nothing but clear blue sky. It just goes to show that you should always trust in Allah." The Jew, as fate would have it, had experienced a similar situation. "I was driving across the Negev desert one day when my car broke down. It was the worst place it could have happened, as there were no towns or villages as far as the eye could see, and the sun was beating down. Well, I did the only thing there was to do. I waited in my car for someone to come who could take me to town. Soon enough, someone came along. I got out of my car and waved, but they didn't stop. They just drove on by. But about a hundred yards down the road I saw them throw something out of their car. I went to see what it was, and what do you think? It was a suitcase full of money! It had broken and the money was blowing about ... all banknotes, no coins! But it was the Lord's day and being a religious Jew I couldn't pick it up. I prayed to God, 'Just this one time, God, remember me. You know how I've remembered you for all these years. Something for me this time, God?' And for ten miles around, it was Tuesday."
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" "Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."
Top 10 Rejected Jewish Books from Jewish Authors 10. Portnoy Is No Longer Complaining: Philip Roth writes this sequel about his hero, Alexander Portnoy in which he has nothing to complain about. In fact, for a whole 312 pages, Portnoy reassures us that in fact he "is fine and pretty well adjusted." 9. War and a Piece of Cheesecake: Herman Wouk's attempt to write about the Goldstein family and their fight over the last piece of cheesecake in the fridge left from Shavuoth. 8. Michael and Me, the Strangest Pairing Since Borscht and Sour Cream: Rabbi Shmuely Boteach explores the relationship he has with Michael Jackson 7. Mein Camp: Mel Brooks writes a "campy" version of Mein Kampf in which he desperately looks for the jokes that were unused in the Producers. 6. Confessions of a Shiksa: A compilation of short stories in which non-Jewish women admit that they really married those Jewish doctors for their money, not love. 5. In My Father's Basketball Court: Isaac Bashevis Singer discusses how he "got schooled" by his father in a one-on-one game with his "Tatti." The problem is that Singer discusses this one 7-point game for 745 pages, which makes for very boring reading. 4. How To Marry The Asian Teenager of Your Dreams: Woody Allen's dating tips. 3. How High: The unauthorized biography of Reb Shlomo Carlebach brought to you by the writers of VH1's Behind the Music. 2. The Red Tent: a story of one woman's plight to stand up to her mother about the colors for her wedding canopy. 1. Chicken Schmaltz for the Soul: A collection of vignettes about gaining weight around the Jewish holidays
Aaron is out skiing when an avalanche engulfs him and many other skiers in a huge snowdrift. The Red Cross is quick on the scene with a Mountain Rescue Team and all the victims are rescued and accounted for – bar Aaron. The search continues throughout the day. Loud hailers are brought in and the search party call out all day: “Mr Goldberg, Mr Goldberg, it's the Red Cross!” As night draws in, the heavy-hearted rescuers decide to accept the worst and move off the mountain, but give one last forlorn call - “Mr Goldberg, Mr Goldberg, it's the Red Cross!” Eventually, a faint voice is heard on the wind: “….I gave already!” The rescue team stretcher Aaron off the mountain, take him to a shelter, get him dry, give him a hot drink and a meal, and ask: “Mr Goldberg, are you comfortable?”. Aaron shrugs, turns up his palms and says: “I make a living.”
What If These Famous People Had Jewish Mothers? MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?" CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written." MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if your're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!" PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bed-time!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?" MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!" BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "At least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!"
A young Jewish Mum walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of primamry school. "Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!" "And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh." "Your Mummy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
JEWISH PERSONAL ADS Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskate. Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for born American woman who good speaks English. Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will employ me.
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why He should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned Leo started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... Please mama!" "Lori, Lori," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? what 4-letter words?" Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
What do you get if you cross a Jew and a Scotsman ? Rabbi Burns
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?" The man then pleads, "I don't know why, but I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours. You want my advice?" "Yes, yes, of course." said the man. The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated at the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "Oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "Oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Ladies, I thought we agreed that when we got together, we weren't going to talk about our children."
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?" The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
Hyme Goldman was showing off his new acquisition to his friend. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me £2,000, but it is state of the art." "What kind is it?" his friend asked. "Half past two," Hyme replied.
Shlomo was driving home one evening when he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. So he drove to Brent Cross Shopping Centre and ran all the way to the toyshop. "How much is the latest Barbie doll?" he asked the manager. The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for £17.99, 'Barbie goes to the Dance' for £16.99, 'Barbie goes to the Shops' for £15.99, 'Barbie goes to the Seaside' for £18.99, and 'Barbie goes to the Barmitzvah' for £19.99. We also have 'Divorced Barbie' for £350.00". Shlomo is confused and asked the manager, "Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost £350 when all the others are less than £20?" "It’s simple," replied the manager, "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Moshe was talking to his friend Issy. “Issy, I’m nearly 40 years old. Do you think I should marry?” “By all means get married,” replied Issy. “If you get a good a wife, you'll be happy. If you don't, you’ll become a philosopher -- and that’s a good thing for any man.”
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ‘Enlighten Your Daughter’ meeting of the synagogue women’s guild. "Ladies," he says, "I’m sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie’s dead body." A number of ‘Oy Vays’ are heard from the ladies present. "You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend. "I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today." "A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?" "I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy. Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?" "Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.
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