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Grandma? A little boy had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his grandma, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'. Little Tony just said, 'Oh, okay,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
Reports These are comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Naming the baby A woman came back from her doctor's surgery with the news that she was pregnant. She called everyone with the news, including her husband at work, as well as her five sons. That weekend, she was out shopping with her youngest, her 4 year old son, Sam. He struck up a conversation with a woman. He said to her that Mummy was going to have a baby. "Wow!" the woman said. "Are you excited?" "Yes," Sam answered. "And I know what we're going to name it." "Oh?" the woman replied. "What are you going to name it?" Sam replied, "If it's a girl, Mummy says we're calling it Molly." "And if it's a boy?" the woman inquired. Sam replied, "If it's a boy, Mummy says we're calling it Quits."
Zoo I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, "Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!" I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. "What did you call it?" I asked. "It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!" he said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
A child's view of the Bible A child was asked to write a book report on The Bible. The result: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.' During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Poo Little boy asks Dad where poo comes from? Dad explains food passes down esophagus to stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon & rectum to emerge as "poo". "Blimey", says little boy, "so where the hell does Tigger come from?"
Heaven An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, "For Heaven's sake Dylan, come in or stay out".
Can I have a drink? A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-aad........" Pooh
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper. "And Tigger?"
God is Watching The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
In School A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom had just started school. A teacher commented to the boy that she couldn't believe he was already in Class One and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school. "Cartwheels, I think." he replied......
Letters to God
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Kids today
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "It goes moo." "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr.., it goes.. click!"
A man and his daughter were standing in the garden one day when the little girl spots two spiders mating. Mary: Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? Dad: They're mating, honey. Mary: What's the one on top called? Dad: It's a daddy-longlegs. Mary: So the one on bottom is a mommy-longlegs? Dad: No, it's a daddy-longlegs, too.
Mary: (thinks for a minute, then stomps on both spiders)
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. "My daddy said it." he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means." "I do, too." Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
Biblical History Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it." he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means." "I do, too." Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators....
Voices Of Experience
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After
preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier.
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three
or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for
at least a minute.
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard
work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes
every other day.
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if
they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this
girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I
took that risk
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist.
But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A number of primary schools in Australia were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are a few. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) Dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age7) My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my Willy small. (Kevin age 6) When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7) A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
There goes the theory that Grandmas know everything! Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He's been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"
How do you decide whom to marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. * Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. * Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. * Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. * Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. * Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. * Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. * Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. * Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. * Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. * Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. * Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. * Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. * Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. * Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? *Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favourite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty,even if she looks like a truck. *Ricky, age 10
Exam howlers 1 * Homer wrote THE ODDITY. * The author of AESOP'S FABLES was Aesophagus. * If one angle of a triangle is more than 90 degrees, the triangle is obscene. * Prose may be divided into two parts: friction and non-friction. * Ibid was a famous Latin poet. * A yokel is the way people talk to each other in the Alps. * Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife. * In Christianity a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony. * FILET MIGNON is an opera by Puccini. * According to Shakespeare, life is a tail told by an idiot full of sound and furry. * Two shots rang out. One of the servants fell dead, the other went through his hat. * It 1937, Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet surprise. * Doctors say that fatal diseases are the worst. * Doctors practice medicine until they finally get it right. * Quinine is a valuable medicine that comes from barking trees. * Damp weather is very hard on the sciences. * Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. * Columbus was a great navigator who cursed about the Atlantic. * Magna Carta said that the King was not to order taxis without the consent of Parliament. * Pompeii was once completely buried in larva. * Martin Luther was nailed to a church door after selling the Pope's privileges. He did after he was communicated by a bull. * Many of the Indian heroes were killed, which proved fatal to them. * The king had a wonderful funeral. It took eight men to carry the beer. * Queen Elizabeth rode through Coventry with nothing on and Raleigh offered her his cloak. * Socrates died of an overdose of wedlock.
* The Crusaders were fighting so that the Pilgrims could go to the
Holy land to find the Holy Grill. * Joshua led the Hebrews to their victory in the battle of Geritol. * Queen Victoria was the longest queen who ever sat on a throne. * It's best not to cross horses in the middle of the stream. * On Washington's trip across the Delaware two men were frozen to death, but hey reached the other side safely. * Each state is permitted to send two centaurs to Congress. * There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forgot, and the other two are too well known to mention. * The doctor had to abandon his code of ethnics.
Exam Howlers 2
Q: Explain one of the ways in which water can be made safe to drink.
Q: How is dew formed?
Q: What is a planet?
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
Q: What are steroids?
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
Q: Name a disease associated with cigarettes.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
Q: What is the fibula?
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Ceasarean section".
Q: What is a seizure?
Q; Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Q: What is a turbine?
Exam Howlers 3
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. President
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't 6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man with the same name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy,
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn
when
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
into
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the
East
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She
was
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was naturalist
who
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
analist,
Exam Howlers 4
Geography
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Q: How is dew formed?
Sociology
English
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
Technology
Biology
Q: What is artificial insemination?
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
Q: What is a terminal illness?
Politics Who said kids today weren't smart? At a high school in N. Walesa group of high school kids played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
What Is A Grandparent? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?" When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
Out of the mouths.... Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Danny The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mum found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him." "Yes," Mum replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes." Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him." But Mum was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage." With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "His cage?! Oh, no! Danny?!! We thought you said Daddy!"
Family Bible A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mum, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Handstands After boasting to her mother about how great she was at doing handstands, Susan was advised not to practise it in her new school friends since her underwear is usually exposed. Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills. Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties." "How come sweetie?", said Mum. "Because I took them off Mum." she replied.
Juvenile Philosophy
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Never try to baptize a cat.
Never do pranks at a police station.
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Stay away from prunes.
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Out Of The Mouths Of Babes.... One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ". The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?". One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!".
The scene is Possilpark Primary School Teacher: " Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. " Wee Billy thinks, "Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle! Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? ' Wee Billy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? ' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: " Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Billy is even more determined. Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?" Wee Billys' hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss " Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: " Yes Tarquin." Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: " Very good Tarquin , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Billy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: " Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind? " Wee Billys' arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming " Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee " Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. " Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): " Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing." Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday." Wee Billy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming " WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THESE ENGLISH BASTARDS COME FROM?" Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: " Who said that? " Wee Billy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss."
Angels
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with
that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy.
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I
forget why but scientists are working on it.
It's not easy to become an angel! First, age you die. Then you go
to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through.
And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do
something else.
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for
science.
Angels don't eat but they drink milk from holy cows.
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The
basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead.
When an angel gets mad, age he takes a deep breath and counts to
ten. And when he lets out his breath, age somewhere there's a
tornado.
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a
tooth, age an angel comes in through your window and leaves money
under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, age angels go north for
the winter.
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very
good carpenter.
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys
didn't go for that.
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head
start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and
pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the
kid get over it.
What I don't get about angels is that, when someone is in love,
they shoot arrows at them.
Where's Mummy? One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mummy go?" "Mummy is at a Tupperware party." replied hids Dad. This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he then asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." The boy nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Daddy! What is it really?"
Proper Behaviour A priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behaviour for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. "Don't play with your food," one second grader cited. "Don't be loud," said another, and so on... "And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
The Wisdom Of Children Things a child should remember ... 1. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer. 2. Never tell your Mum her diet's not working. 3. Stay away from prunes. 4. Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. 5. Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your homework. 6. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. 7. Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. 8. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a tennis racquet. 9. When you get a bad mark in school, only show it to your Mum when she's on the phone.
Grace Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
How Jesus Escaped The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Larry's had an odd element in it. "Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey? "It's the flea, teacher." "Flea...? Ah...what flea?" asked the teacher. To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse, "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt." he said. "There's Mary, there's Jesus, and there's the flea."
Analogies And Metaphors Every year, English teachers from across the US can submit their collections of actual (yeah, right) analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room- temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. pm. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
CHILDREN'S PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
X-Ray While leading a tour of primary school children through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."
First Day At School The little boy came home from his very first day of school. His mother was anxious to hear all about his big day at school, so she asked him, "What did you learn today?" The youngster rolled his eyes and replied, "Not enough, I guess. I have to go back again tomorrow."
Kittens A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Stranger Danger One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver. "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and 10 quid?" asked the driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster. "What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY quid eh?", quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy. "Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you 100 quid and a bag of lollies", the driver offered. "NO!", screamed the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh. The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it...
Proverbs A year one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by year one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one is classic! Strike while the ..., insect is close. Never underestimate the power of... ants. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. Better to be safe than... punch a year 6 boy. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. You can lead a horse to water but... how? No news is... impossible. A miss is as good as a... Mr. You can't teach an old dog new... maths. Love all, trust... me. The pen is mightier than the... pigs. An idle mind... is the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's... pollution. Happy the bride who... gets all the presents. A penny saved is... not much. Two's company, three's... the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what you .. put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have .... to blow your nose. There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not... smacked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. You get out of something only what you... see in the picture on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way. Better late than... pregnant!
Running away from home A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" Not wanting to antagonise his son any further the father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked. "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and get mum to wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed to himself, "This kid of mine is not running away from home; he's practising going to university!"
Stuttering A teacher is explaining biology to her six-year-old students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back garden with my kitty and Fritz the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our garden! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It really was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'... but before he could say "Shit," Fritz ate him!"
Taxi drivers A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though London when the daughter noticed some scanitily clad women loitering on a street corner. "Mummy," the litttle girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered. "C'mon luv, they're hookers!" retorted the taxi driver. After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mummy, do hookers have children?" "Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"
Sex Education "Now, sean, what's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?" Sean: "What time will your husband get home?"
"I've been kissed!"
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
Out Of The Mouths Of Babes While looking through her wardrobe, Mrs Squiffs complained to me that her wardrobe was out-of-date and that it had been ages since she had gotten anything new to wear. Minisquiffs overheard and said, "Mum, that's not true. Just last week Dad bought a new apron." I have no idea where he gets it from................. :O)
George Bush Goes To School George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. “Bob”. “And what is your question, Bob?” “I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right — question time. Who has a question?” A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. “Steve” “And what is your question, Steve?” “I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, Where is “Bob”? !!
Late to School Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!" Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last Few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'" "'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'." "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
Speaking "Polite" Manners and courtesy are fundamental and should be learned at an early age, but sometimes I wonder if the training I am giving my child is being absorbed. So I was delighted when I overheard my five-year-old son, on the telephone with his friend. At one point he said, "Pardon me?" He listened for a moment and then replied, "It means 'WHAT' in polite."
Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy"
comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center.
* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall
Man."
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr.
on a Dr Pepper can.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Dead Cat A pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat but it was dead. "How do you know the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" the child answered innocently. "You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went Pssst and it didn't move".
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