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Learn From you Elders A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.
Making a baby The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted
Family Problems Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother -in-law of her father-in-law. "Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. "This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!
Shoe Shopping A man walks into a shoe shop and asks for a pair of shoes, size 9. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, its obvious you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half." "Just bring me a size nines!" the man replies. The salesman brings the shoes and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman with a grimace and says, "I've lost my house because I can't afford the mortgage any more; I live with my mother-in-law; my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business is failing. So now the only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off..."
Babies Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
YOUR CLOTHES:
THE BABY'S NAME:
PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH:
THE LAYETTE:
WORRIES:
ACTIVITIES:
GOING OUT:
AT HOME:
104 Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Opps The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Little Jimmy Little Jimmy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.... "Mummy," he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.
Betting Certainty During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Lunatic A man is driving a little too fast in his attempt to make his next work meeting, in his rush he clips a curb and blows a tyre. He quickly gets out of the car, assess the damage, and in no time he has the car jacked up, old wheel off new wheel on, but in his rush to get the tyre on he accidently clips the hub cup holding the four lock nuts, the lock nuts then go rolling down a hill into a river. "S**t" he shouts, "What am i going to do now"??. Across the road there is man looking over a wall watching all this who then shouts across to the motorist in trouble, "Excuse me, hello, I say" The motorist looks across at the man. "Why don't you take a nut from each of the other three wheels and put the three you have taken off on the spare" What a great idea the motorist thinks, he does this, and in no time he is ready to begin his journey again, but before he leaves he goes across to the man who is still looking over the wall to thank him. While crossing the road he notices a sign saying that the place where the man is staying is a lunatic asylum. The motorist thanks him, but his intrigued to know why he is in such a place, " I have no idea" says the man in the asylum. "I was put in here 5 years ago, and they will not let me out, nobody knows about me, i am really fine". The motorist is a little concerned, "well you look fine to me, and anyone that can come up with such a great idea as the one you just came up with should not be in a place like this. I will see my MP about you, dont you worry, we will get you out of here." The man says goodbye, gets in his car, and gets about 100ft down the road when there is this almighty smash and a brick come hurling through the rear window just missing his head. He quickly jumps out of the car and sees the man in the asylum still standing there shouting "you won't forget will you"
On a plane A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
Opps Fleet Bank in Boston is running a marketing campaign for the United Way on their ATMs. It features the slogan, "Put Yourself In The Way," to inspire you to contribute to the United Way. While you're waiting for your ATM transaction to complete, the screen displays a marketing photo of a disabled athlete, muscular and smiling, in his wheelchair. Nice and wholesome. Well, almost. Beneath that man in his wheelchair is the caption, "He Put Himself in the Way."
Male Menopause Male menopause is when men don't want to have kids;they just want to date them
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Some thoughtful information for those who ARE daughters, WERE daughters, HAVE daughters, INTEND TO HAVE daughters, or INTEND TO DATE a daughter.
Rule One:
Rule Two:
Rule Three:
Rule Four:
Rule Five:
Rule Six:
Rule Seven:
Rule Eight:
Rule Nine:
Rule Ten: Copyright © 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
THOUGHTS ON GETTING OLDER - A recent survey showed that at the age of twenty, 90% of men have sex four times a week. By the time they reach 40, they are still capable of telling the same pathetic lie. - Even when you are very, very old it's still possible to do everything you could do as a youth it just takes a little longer, requires a bit more effort and necessitates having a resuscitation unit on standby. - Preparation for old age is essential and should be started the moment you turn eighty. - Now is the time to make your mark on the world - explore the Antarctic or become an astronaut. Make your mind up to take on exciting new challenges - right after your afternoon nap.
Improved Technology The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene.
Sex Change Pain A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a football match. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about football?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
High Birth Rate A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
Council Complaints These are genuine clips from Council tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their abodes. 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9.I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink. 16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Fishing A game warden finds an indian man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says, "You're under arrest." "But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home." "I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me." The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away. After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?" "How long what?" says the man. "How long till you call the fish back?" "What fish?"
The Menopause Dwarves The Seven Dwarves of Menopause arrived at my door without warning. Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up, by name. One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life. The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body. Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month-- it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me? Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts. Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep. Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years! I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's I wondered? Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
Autopsy Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for breathing and a pulse? Doctor: No. Attorney: So, how can you be sure that the patient was dead when you began the autopsy? Doctor: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk. Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Doctor: I now suppose he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a £50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.
Council Roadsweeper
The Council road sweeper did our street last Tuesday. As I came back from the shops I caught him stamping on a snail.
True bravery True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
Car Parking
Film Confusion Incorrect Driving,br> The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
Jumble Sale Massacre
Talking about Nothing
Gossiping
Group Toilet Visit
Single Breath Sentence
50 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)
1 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
New Rules New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
A Father's Note to Prospective Suitors: 10 Simple Rules for dating my daughter Handed to all "boyfriends" taking my daughter out......
Rule One:
Rule Two:
Rule Three:
Rule Four:
Rule Five:
Rule Six:
Rule Seven:
Rule Eight:
Rule Nine:
Rule Ten:
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!"replies the drunk.
Comic relief is when you add a touch of humour to an otherwise serious situation. It's like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." He says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
Knock knock
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? What is the speed of darkness? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Do you cry under water? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway?
Q: How many people from the countryside does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What do you know about our ways, townie? Get off my land before I shoot you.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
WIERD WORDS Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS New York Times Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally! Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway!!
Just about the time a mother You know you are in for a bad day when you wake up and find that your water bed has sprung a leak ...................... ................ and then realise that you don't have a water bed.
Such is life!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "No problem ... I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "... Just place this between your cheek and gum." The man places the ball in his mouth, and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man had ever experienced. He moves the ball, with some dexterity, between each of his cheeks as he follows the barber's razor. As the barber comes to the last few strokes, the man asks in garbled speech. "What if I swallow the ball?" "No problem," says the barber. "... Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does !!!"
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
P: Something loose in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
P: IFF inoperative.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
P: Target radar hums.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $25. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A little boy answers the ring of the doorbell , then runs to his father. "Daddy," the boy says, "there's a man at the door who says he is taking up a collection for a community swimming pool." "Okay, son," his father says. "Give him a glass of water."
Three OAPs, each with age related hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go have a beer!"
I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Man goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job.
I have finally found the key to happiness.
Darling, I was going through little Jane's clothes and I came across an S&M magazine. She's only 14, what shall we do? Well, I don't think we should spank her.
A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?" "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all." "This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?" "Twenty four"
Application From a Husband to his Wife to go out with his friends. 1) Where are you going? -------------------------- 2) With who/whom are you going with? ------------- 3) What will you be eating or drinking? ---------- 4)What time will you be back? -------------------- Application From a Wife to her Husband to go out with her friends. George, I am Going out.
Newspaper Headline "OBSCENE PLAYS - Prime Minister to act"
On Monday morning, a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Wayne, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirits bottles. "Wow Wayne, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.", the postman comments. Wayne in obvious pain replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for New Years and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the blokes go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The postman laughs and says, "Blast, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Wayne responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet ...
A primary school teacher in Peckham decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Ali. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Hasan at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "What's in that rucksack!"
Skinny Dipping An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Wager It was payday at the docks, and the usual raucous crowd filled the waterfront tavern, when a voice rose above the noise. "A thousand pounds says my friend here can satisfy 100 women in a row with a single erection." Wagers were made, the bartender gathered everyone's money to hold, and it was agreed that the feat would take place at six the next evening. A hundred eager women showed up, and as the crowd watched in awe, the man performed as claimed -- twenty, fifty, eighty women in a row left with smiles on their faces. At eighty-five the man wiped his brow, drank a beer and then continued undaunted. Ninety, ninety-five, and still, he charged on. After the 99th woman left with the now familiar smirk of satisfaction on her face, some of the crowd gave up and started leaving as well. But as the man started with the 100th woman, he suddenly looked up, gasped for breath, and rolled dead onto the floor. "I don't get it," said his manager, "everything went so smooth at rehearsal this morning."
The Spoiled Under 30's When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning...uphill BOTH ways, moan moan moan. And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to talk nonsense like that about how hard I had it and how easy kids today have it. But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in bloody Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the road and put it in the letterbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napster! If you wanted to steal music, you had to get a bus to the record shop and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged tone, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and' Asteroids' . Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! ! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You were stuffed when it came to tv channel hopping! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoilt little bu99ers! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. Imagine that! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!!! Regards, The over 30 Crowd
Breaking News Reuters Tel Aviv An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday. The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die. Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette. When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote. When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.
My next door neighbours are Sex Therapists. Every night, they bang on our bedroom wall if we're not doing it!
Scoring Three guys are rating women (1-10) as they come into a pub. A decent looking woman comes in, and the first guy says "5", second guys says "6", and third guy says "maybe 1/2." A somewhat more attractive lady arrives and the ratings are 7, 7, and 1. Then a gorgeous tall blond enters. This woman is Bingo, Tilt, Out of Sight. The first guy says "10." The second one echoes "10", and the third one says "2". The woman hears these ratings and turns quickly to the third guy. "I know what you guys are doing" she says indignantly "What do you mean 2?--I've never been rated less than 10." The third guy replies. "You don't understand. I use the Young's rating system." She snaps back "So what is a 2 in the Young's rating system?" He responds "That's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off of my face."
Whats? Q: What's 12 inches long and white? A: Nothing mon!
Diving One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote: "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote: "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Farmer A farmer goes to town to run his usual errands. He has a piglet, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken. He's thinking to himself, "Now, how am I going to carry a piglet, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." So he thinks about it for a bit, and decides to carry the bucket, put the piglet in the bucket, place the anvil on top of the bucket and carry the chicken under his other arm. So he trudges into town carrying his load, when a young woman admiring his physique says, "Sir, do you know the way to the fabric store?" The farmer smiles, and says, "Follow me down this alley, I'll be going right past it." The woman says, "If I follow you down this alley, you might take advantage of me." The farmer says, "How could I take advantage of you? I'm carrying a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." Quick as a flash, the woman replies, "Well, you could put the piglet down, place the bucket over the piglet, place the anvil on top of the bucket, and I could hold the chicken."
Very True An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Gotten Old I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Women's Butt Study There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their butts. The results are pretty interesting: 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Ultimatum A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
The Happiest Day Of My Life It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church, wife waiting at the altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled......... and closed the lid....
Bill A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.
i-breast Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 to $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Popular
A girl was telling a boy friend that she realised
Census A census taker knocked on a lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly." he replied. "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
Vaccum Salesman A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high- powered vacuum cleaners." "Go Away" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Two Lawyers Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What's this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Father To Son
Father to son: When I spank you, you never get angry.
Sorry I'm Late Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Dad, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Mum's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tyre just went flat while we were inside the cinema. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters called Susan, I knew the girl had misdialed. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Gosh, Dad," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
Ant I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.
Top 20 Replies From Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work
20. "That's weird..." Two Executives Two executives working in the garment centre are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, 'Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.' 'What happened?' asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, 'My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!' 'You think you had a bad week?' responds Birnbaum. 'My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!' 'How can you say that your week was worse than mine?' asks Goldstein. 'It was identical!' 'You shmuck!' replies Birnbaum. 'I manufacture menswear...'
Fax? A judge has just called in all the legal counsel to explain that he had inadvertently left his notes for his summing up of the case in hand, at home. One of the barristers helpfully suggested, “Fax it up, m'lud!” After a moment's hesitation the absent minded judge replied, “Yes, I suppose it does”.
Things NOT to say on a first date... "Here, have a breath mint." "No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine." "My old girlfriend, Janet, was so beautiful. She looked just like you. Do you mind if I call you Janet?" "What? Oh, I thought you were paying." "Hurry up and eat, because I've got to get home in time for 'Star Trek.'" "Does this look like ringworm to you?" "No, the onion rings are only half price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What's the matter with you, are you stupid? Can't you read?" "We don't need a cab. We can walk. It's only a few miles." "Oh, no, it's eleven o'clock! I've got to get home before my wife notices I'm gone!!!"
Bargain Hunter A famous antique dealer, walking through the city, noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer, in a junk shop doorway, and recognized the 'saucer' as Ming pottery, extremely old and very valuable. He walked casually into the shop and offered to buy the cat for five pounds. The shop owner replied, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The dealer said, "Please, I need a cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you fifty pounds for that cat." The owner said, "Sold," and handed over the cat. The dealer paused, "Look, for the fifty pounds I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's obviously used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner said, "Sorry mate, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Valentine's Cards A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Golf Balls Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"? He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Why Men Shouldn't Go Shopping
Dear Mrs. Squiffs, Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. 9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. 10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least: Yours sincerely,
Richard Smith
Scientific Experiment A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
In The Supermarket Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide. The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going". The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"? The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"? The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Diamond Ring An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful, big breasted young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 diamond ring and showed it to him. The old man dismissed it with a wave of his hand and said, "I don't think you understand.... "I want something very, very special" At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning diamond cluster ring at only £40,000", the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man examined the ring and said "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man that he would pay by cheque saying "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon," Monday morning, a very cheesed -off jeweller phoned the old duffer. "The bank have told me that there's no money in that account." he shouted. "I know", said the old man. "But can you imagine the brilliant weekend I have just had?"
Letters sent to Newspapers
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's rear: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang roasting women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how rubbish must the other people at the interview have been?
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Craps Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and want to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "Yes, yes, yes!! I won, I won, I won." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SUPER MODELS
ON SELF KNOWLEDGE
ON POVERTY
ON PSYCHOLOGY
ON CAREER CHOICES
ON GEOPOLITICS
ON INNER STRENGTH
ON DEATH
ON TRAVEL
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
ON COURTSHIP
ON PARADOX
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
ON ECONOMICS
ON ZEN
ON BODY PARTS
ON MOTIVATION
ON VERSATILITY
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
Car Service A fellow pulls up at a petrol station in Lebanon and asks for five litres of petrol. The attendant replies they don't sell petrol. "Don't sell petrol? What sort of garage is this? Well, check the oil for me." The attendant says they don't sell oil. "What? Top up the radiator for me then." The attendant says they don't have any water, and that in fact the garage is just a front for Hizbollah. "Okay, then just blow my tires up."
The pessimist A pessimist was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the truck won't be waiting for me either."
Tough Teaching A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with paperwork at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the stapler from his desk and stapled his tie to his chest. He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
SLOGANS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON
Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
Freedoms A young boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. No male has lived that long yet."
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