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Fairy Tale One day, long, long ago there was this woman who, surprisingly, didn't nag....
But it was a long time ago.... The End
The Lord Of The Manor The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Archie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"
0 - 200 in under 6 seconds "Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him."
Wedding Night On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance..."
Luke and Lucy Luke and Lucy were having difficulty in the realm of love making. Lucy finally convinced Luke to go see the doctor. When Luke returned from the doctor's office, he was all decked out in new clothes -- a double breasted suite, expensive shirt, silk tie and imported Italian shoes. Lucy looks atLuke and says "What happended to you?" Luke says, "Well, the doctor says I is impotent! If I is so impotent, I needs to look the part!"
Florida Husband and his wife are travelling down to Florida for their winter holiday. The wife is hard of hearing but so vain that she refuses to wear a hearing aid. The husband has made a habit of repeating everything to her. They stop at a petrol station and the attendant comes to the car and asks, "Fill it up?" Husband replies, "Yes." Wife leans over and says, "What did he say? So the husband says, "He asked it we wanted to fill up and I told him, YES! The attendant comes back to the window and says to the husband, "I see you folks are from Ohio. What part?" Husband replies, "Cincinnati. "Again the wife leans over and says, "What did he say?" The patience husband says, "He asked where we are from and I told him Cincinnati!" "Oh!" says the wife. The attendant is busy cleaning the windscreen and says to the husband, "I was in Cincinnati overnight many years ago. Met up with a woman and had the worst sex I ever had." Immediately, the wife ask the husband, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he thinks he knows you!!
Jill "My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one." said Jill. "How'd you do that?" asked Margaret. "Well," says Jill "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?" "Yeah" says Margaret. Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
Tender Caresses One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found the remote!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says: "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
Three Days Of Silence My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Saturday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.
Wife.. "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic mate seated next to him in the pub. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
Cowboy Wedding A cowboy and his wife had just been married, and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This here is a very special 'casion....our wedding night, and we need a good room with a strong bed." The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?" The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."
Morning Sex She was in the kitchen preparing eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said,You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought,"This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment,he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,"Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked,"What was that all about?" She explained,"The egg timer's broken."
Men DO remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. "I would have been released today."
Play The Harmonica A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."
Opps One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, grabs some beer, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road. Coming out of garage rain is pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There, he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"
For Sale
For Sale by Owner:
Divorce How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
Frankenstein Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his creation seemed to be lacking that certain spark in his life. He and Frau Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and she suddenly had a bright idea. "Maybe he needs a mate." she exclaimed. "Good idea, my dear," said the doctor. "Let's create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine's Day." So, they worked day and night and finally got a mate ready just in time to "wake her up" on Valentine's Day. The original creation was there beside Dr. and Frau Frankenstein, shifting from one foot to the other in anticipation of the solution to his cravings. As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, "Look! She's about to speak!" WIth that, the new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice, "Oooooo ---oo! Head----ache!"
That's Right! This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
School Reunion My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since" "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Marriage Seminar While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Two Diaries
HER DIARY Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed but he kept quiet. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed. I thought, perhaps, a little intimacy might open him up, so I made the first move. That worked, and we made love. When we were finished, I was sure he would open up and talk to me. But, no, nothing! I couldn't take it any more, so I confronted him with the situation. But he had fallen asleep! I started crying and cried until I, too, finally fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Are Women Undervalued? A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, muddy footrpints and pawprints covered the floor and the rug was all wrinkled up against the wall. In the front room the TV was blaring out cartoons on it's loudest volume setting, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. The carpets and walls were covered in the scribbles of brightly coloured pens. In the kitchen, the sink and all work surfaces were full of dirty dishes, breakfast cereal was spilled all over the counter and table, the fridge and freezer doors were wide open and dog food was spilled all over the floor. Some broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door next to dozens of chocolate wrappers and a small pool of chocolate coloured sick. Convinced that his wife was ill or that something serious had happened to her, he quickly headed up the stairs to look for her. Stepping over toys and more piles of clothes on the stairs, he was met on the landing by a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found on overflowing basin with tap still running, wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks
1. Why are men such jerks?
2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
6. Why can't men just share their feelings?
7. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
8. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
9. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
10. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
11. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
12. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
13. What's with all the belching and farting?
14. Why do men hate shopping?
Mink Sean was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Sean thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." "What is that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Sean replied.
Old Age Pre-Marriage Agreement
An elderly couple in their 80's were about
to get married.
Compliment A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape." He turns to her and says, "Pay me a compliment to make me feel better." His wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Spectacles A woman walks into an optician to return a pair of spectacles that she purchased for her husband a week before. The assistant asks, "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" The woman replies, "I'm returning these spectacles I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
True Love A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
Say It With Flowers A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers? " The brunette says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Whistle Old man Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for awhile, and soon began to overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realized that the young man they were hearing was about to propose! Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them." "Whistle?" Murphy replied. "Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"
Love In The Kitchen She is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me-this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?" She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
At Dinner A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away)suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table. The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Roles A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Telephone Call Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing. At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes. Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her. "Wasn't for me, after all," he said. She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe and was half way to the door when he thought to add, "It was a wrong number."
Best Friend A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?" I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"
Marriage Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
The Dawning "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged roofer as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, I was a strapping young fellow, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the roofer explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
A Woman's Pride After a long and serious operation, Louise ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Bill came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news. "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Bill in a quiet somber voice. Bill looked at Louise and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 43." "35," came the weak reply from Louise.
Sam and Becky Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please tell me I do want to know" "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three" says Sam looking quite shocked "Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank Manager himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2 then?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
Old Couples Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked. "Nothing," he answered. "Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."
Golf Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out on the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
Difference What is the difference between a woman and a man?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
Husbands For Sale A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor. But, if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!
Perfect Marriage Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
One For The Ladies Why do men go bungee jumping? They don't need any special skills, it only takes 10 seconds and afterwards thay can tell their mates how good they were............
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day of trying to get a Stay of Execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub...pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang, the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his Stay of Execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her naked husband's rear view as he bent over drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"
Justified Manslaughter One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92 if he could have sex...he could fly.
In the Act A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues." Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Happy A couple were lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Bridge Club My wife has forced me to join a bridge club. I am scheduled to jump off of one a week from today.
Lesbian Cowboy A young lady visiting texas asked a man in a bar if he was a cowboy.'Well I've ridden horses,branded beef,rounded up strays,looked after my ranch,fed the animals and looked my horses all my life,so yep,I would ay I was a cowboy. The young lady said,'I'm a lesbian all I ever do is think about women,dream about women,talk about women,fantasise about women,and look for women.' The sit and sip their drinks in silence,until another visitor at the bar says to the man.'Are you a cowboy?' The cowboy replied 'I always thought I was,but I've just discovered I'm a lesbian!!'
Weight The reason that married women are heavier than are single women is because a single woman comes home, looks to see what's in the fridge and goes to bed. A married woman comes home, looks at what is in the bed and goes to the fridge.
Exercise The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Adam and Eve When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. Eve: "Counting your ribs!"
Earing This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Economics Two husbands leaning on a bar in the pub. "Did you give your wife a lecture on economy like I told you?" "Yes, I certainly did." "And what was the result?" "I've got to give up smoking!"
Swimming A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to marry him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each other at all, what if we don't get on?" The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt that he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would work and they could get to know each other during their marriage. So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they found they were very compatible. They were lazing by the poolside one day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board and leapt off backwards. He did a triple spin, a forward turn and a double back-flip (piked) before entering the water with barely a ripple. The wife was amazed. When the husband came back to her she said: "Blimey! I didn't know you could dive like that!" He replied: "Oh yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was the champion for ten years running." They agreed that there was lots to learn about each other and that it was half of the fun finding out. Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water, swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and lay on her sun lounger barely out of breath. The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?" She replied: "Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Hull but I worked both sides of the river."
Communication A woman was reading a magazine when she came upon an interesting article. She turned to her husband and said, "It says here that listening attentively, and paying attention to one's mate when they are speaking is a sign of true love." The husband looked away, briefly, from the football game he was watching and replied, "What?"
My Missus told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to do without. Then I caught her spending £65 on make-up, £250 on new clothes, £300 on gym membership, £75 on getting pampered at a salon. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed all that to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for... ...I don't think she's coming back
Moods MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose MOODS OF A MAN Horny.
Short Marriage A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife said, "Seven weeks."
Two little old ladies are sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman next to him asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I used to live here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "For what did they put you in prison?" He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife." "Oh," says the woman, and turning to the other woman proclaims: "Hurray! He's single !"
Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?" Wife: "Do I do that?"
An old Red Indian was asked what his wife's name was.
Purity A man in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband really upset."
Two Black Eyes A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her bum. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?" "Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."
Cuckoo Clock The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realised she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Beware the Fairies! A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" Said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment And said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story:
Female brain cell Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "Hello, is there anyone here?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here..."
Sex Survey In a sex survey today it was revealed that 72% of women would give up sex for the rest of their lives for £1,000,000. In a counter survey it was revealed that 99% of husbands found it cost far less than £1,000,000 for their wives to give up sex for life - just a cheap wedding ring from Ratners did the trick.
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included £45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "that's what the beer was for!"
New sex Study It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...
A man walks into Boots and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can be different depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse. Further studies are expected.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
A very good looking man walks into a singles a bar, gets a drink and takes a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean a R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but I have not been able to connect with any of them all night - What’s going on? “Well,” Said the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows......!”
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. " What is it? ", asked the Judge The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
...1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
...1. Crying is blackmail.
...1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one, Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
...1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
...1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
...1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
...1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
...1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
...1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
...1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
...1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
...1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
...1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is, nor do we want to for that matter.
...1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
...1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
...1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
...1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, rugby, or F1 racing.
...1. You have enough clothes.
...1. You have too many shoes.
...1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
...1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men usually miss them.
THE REASON WHY:
Women keep you in the dark about the location of the first one, and they
will only hint about the date of the second one...so all that
aggravation gives you the shakes, so of course you're gonna miss the
toilet!!
Living Will
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just so
you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
New Survey
Another new survey asked men what they looked for in womens legs.
20% said fat legs
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't." the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
It is the silver wedding anniversary of a couple. As a treat they decide to go
back to the original hotel in which they honeymooned. As they are retaking one
of the walks they made all those years ago, they find a fence, against which
they had had sex out in the open air.
"Shall we give it another try?" says the husband - and they have the most
fantastic sex up against the fence. His wife is so animated, jumping up and
down and making noises - they are certainly having the best sex in ages.
"Gosh that's even better than when we were first married", said the husband " 25
years ago you didn't get so excited"
"25 years ago", says his wife " the fence wasn't electrified..."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, No, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan."Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
The Ideal Woman
1.. It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and has a job.
2.. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.
3.. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4.. It is important to find a woman who makes you feel wonderful in bed and who
likes to be with you.
5.. Lastly, it is very important that these four women don't know each other
and never meet each other .
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking
in his stomach.
She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said.
"It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Wendy: "I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment!"
Anne: "Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for five and a half
years, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum."
Wendy: "What did you say?"
Anne: "I just told him, 'Look, either you tell me your last name, or I
am moving out of your house!'"
After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over, looks around, and notices a framed picture of another man on the bedside table. Naturally, the poor chap begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly." she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asks. "No, not at all," she whispers, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he asks, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she says. "Well who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.
Calmly the girl replies, "That's me before the surgery."
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Georges wife was pregnant, and in the throes of a fierce craving for snails. She
pleaded with him to go out and get some for her, and to be as quick as
possible.
Off George goes, metal bucket in hand, to collect some snails for his wife.
After a sucessful trip, and a large bucket load of juicy snails, he starts to
make his way back home. Unfortunatly he has to pass the pub and can hear the
football on the widescreen calling him in.
Many pints later George and his bucket stagger home.
On reaching his front gate George trips up the step, cursing loudly. The bucket
clatters to the ground waking the whole street up.
His wife, woken up with a start, leaps out of bed and throws open the bedroom
window. Leaning out she is just about to start shouting when she spies George,
standing up with his arms waving about,surrounded by snails, saying 'come on
boys, almost home.'
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, why do they go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
Waxing
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ( Cold wax, yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out must stay conscious Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does
try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of
someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I
really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour......
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
Last week the wife and I tried a new Tantric sex position called "The Plumber".
First man: I hear your wife is pregnant. Congratulations.
"Cash, cheque or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured
this was the worst thing I could do to him."
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Q. Why do men like smart women?
Q. Why do men name their penises?
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The
usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask
which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive
although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round
the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk
and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking
up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down
I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I
decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the
whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched
behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from
Halfords and try to repair it myself?
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police.
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You
could tell what the admirers were thinking. Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back
wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the
french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of
his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man
began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old
couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."
As the old man began eating his french fires, a young man stood up and walked
to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man
replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being
politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "ma'am, why aren't
you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting
for?"
She answered, ” I'm waiting for the teeth!"
Because I'm A Man.....
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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FINE
FIVE MINUTES
NOTHING
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
LOUD SIGH
SOFT SIGH
THAT'S OKAY
GO AHEAD.
PLEASE DO
THANKS
THANKS A LOT
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said
"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got
home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told
her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large. I said to her:
"Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this
family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a
single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill
alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his
trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she
did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I
always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too
small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.
So Jill said " Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude,
you never will!"
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope which was dangling from a helicopter
.
This group comprised 10 men and one woman.
The rope was getting badly frayed above them, so they agreed that someone was
going to have to let go in order to save the rest of them.
None of the men volunteered, and they started arguing among themselves about who
should drop.
Then the woman spoke up, giving a moving speech about how she would sacrifice
herself to save them, because, after all, women were used to making sacrifices
for men, they were used to giving in, and anyway, men were the superior sex and
must be saved.
When she had finished her speech, all of the men, moved by her generosity,
applauded.
Squiffy was sitting on the front door step and whistling at every young
woman that went by.
"Why do you let him get away with that?" asked the woman next door.
"It's no problem" said his wife, "I've seen dogs chase cars, but they
can't drive!"
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with
my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail,
and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle
of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"
How many SHOF girls does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub full of water, and another to
pass her the blow dryer.....
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union
after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the
couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are
not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to
agree on one thing."
The wife said, "Seven weeks."
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my
mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like
something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
Dear Microsoft Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded my software package from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving
unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where
it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5,
and Cricket 5.3 no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected.
Attempting to operate Saturday Sports, Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday
Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Kind regards,
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT:
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a
utilities & entertainment program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is a complete operating
system, designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able
to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the
program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up
with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors
Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and
deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur,
whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: I APOLOGISE program and
avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE
a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to
normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very
rewarding.
To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers
2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.
36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0
and the system will almost certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program.
With regards,
P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes
with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to not
responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a
sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair
smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
Girl 1: "I've been struggling for ages to get a fur coat, how did you get
yours?"
Girl 2 "I stopped struggling".
WOMEN'S ARSE SIZE STUDY:
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their arse. I
thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their arse is too big...
10% of women think their arse is too little..
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married
him anyway!
If you upset your wife, she nags you.....
If you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
A young girl on a one year training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read:
Dear Mary,
Love,
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could
spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In
addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the
pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that
envelope ... along with this note:
Dear John,
Take Care,
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth, and a dream of fiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
At times shell be vengeful, merry, and sad,
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
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