Squiffy's Medical Files
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New Clinic A new clinic for depression is opening up in my town. It's being run by three Jewish doctors. It is being referred to as "OY's 'R US".
Old Fred Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it would be best not to look at the note at this time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "You're standing on my blooming oxygen tube."
Psychiatrist A patient said to a psychiatrist, "I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint." The psychiatrist said, "Sounds like you have a gilt complex."
Dr Epstein Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Bird Flu Doctor says to patient: "I have some bad news about the bird flu you have caught." Patient: "Oh, not. What is it doc?" Doc says: "It's completely unTweetable."
Medical Secretaries Notes..... These are sentences actually typed by Medical Secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities . 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Pills A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Went to the doctors
the other day,I said "doctor ,you've got to help me i keep having visions of the future."
Dr Pepper 'What's the worst that could happen?' read the label on that Dr Pepper. Quite a lot, it appears. I'm diabetic.
Dear Diary This morning I went to see my orthopedic surgeon for a checkup on my new hip and told him, "You know doctor, I really like to have sex in sports cars." He said, "And I suppose you expect me to say it's okay for you to do it in a cramped space with your new hip?" ""No," I replied, "I just want to borrow your Porsche."
Medical Reports Actual writings in an Mpumalanga Hospital (South Africa) Register. 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides... 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Advice A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor. "My local General Practitioner, Dr. Smith." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of stupid and useless advice did Smith give you?" "He told me to come and see you...."
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
Doctor's Orders On a busy Medical/Surgery floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly." The doctor then began listing orders: "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first." "He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours." "He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day." "Give range of motion every thirty minutes." "He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour." "Feed him something tasty every hour." "Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times." "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes." "You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well." The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
The MSers Prayer
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept
Magentic Personality Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister rushed him to A & E. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
Naming the Business
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
No go, so they tried:
Thumbs down again, so they tried:
Still not good, so they tried:
Still no go. Nor did: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Doctors Visit A man walks into the Doctor's rooms and the Doctor notices he has a frog growing on the top of his head. The Doctor says 'What happened' The frog says 'It started as a wart on my bum'
Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. Waking Up A woman wakes up one morning to find some grass and a small tree growing on top of her head! She makes an appointment to see her doctor and by the time she gets there, she has the grass, the tree plus now a lake, pathways, picnic benches and flower beds all growing on top of her head! "What's wrong with me?" she asks her doctor. "It's nothing to worry about Mrs. Smith - it's just a beauty spot."
Doctor! "Doctor doctor, I've got sponge cake in one ear and jelly and custard in the other" "Hmmm, it appears you are a trifle deaf"
Nurse!
Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"
Opps The surgeon walks into Peter's room. He says, "Mr. Puller, I have good news and bad news." Peter asks, "What's the bad news, Doc?" The surgeon answers, "I accidentally cut off your penis." "Hells bells!!! What's the good news?" Peter yelps. The surgeon says, "It was benign."
Medical Insurance A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
An NHS Administrator was burying some evidence, when he found an old brass lamp in the back of a filing cabinet in his office. He dusted it off and suddenly - blam - a genie appeared, offering him three wishes. "Well," said the Administrator, hardly believing his senses. "I'd love a nice strong gin & tonic right now." And - blam - there it was. Realising that this magic actually worked, his mind turned to his second wish. "And I would like to be on a tropical island, surrounded by gorgeous women." Immediately - blam - there he was. Just one more wish to make his dreams come true, he thought. "And I wish that I never had to work again." And - blam - there he was, back behind the desk in his office.
Three surgeons are dining together and after a few drinks begin to boast about their skills. The first tells about a young man who was brought to him with all his fingers severed in a terrible lawn-mower accident. "No-one thought I could do it," said the surgeon, "but after I'd finished with him his hands were as good as new - why, he went on to become a concert pianist!" "Impressive," said the second surgeon. "Almost as impressive as when I re-attached the severed legs of a young woman who'd been in a big car crash - she went on to become a prima ballerina." "Hmmn, not bad going," said the third surgeon. "I recall a terrible case I had to deal with some years ago, a young fellow rode his horse straight into a combine harvester. There was nothing recognisable left except the horse's arse and a cowboy hat. I did my best work - and that young man went on to become the president of the United States."
Pregnancy Questions
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type B-positive?
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
Q. What are the terrible twos?
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
Q. What is colic?
Q. What are night terrors?
Cloning Dangers I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results, and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.......
After learning the NCT method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced,"I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. "It's hard to tell by the ears." replied the doctor.
If women controlled medicine
After learning the NCT method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced,"I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. "It's hard to tell by the ears." replied the doctor.
Panto A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted, "He's behind you!"
Irish Medical Dictionary Artery......The study of paintings. Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria. Barium....What doctors do when patients die. Benign......What you be after you be eight. Caesaren section......A neighbourhood in Rome Catscan....Searching for kitty. Cauterize......Made eye contact with her. Colic.....A sheepdog Coma.....A puncuation mark. Dilate.....to live long. Enema.....Nt a friend. Fester...... to be quicker than someone else. Fibula..... A small lie. Impotent......to be distinguished/well known Labour pain.....Getting hurt while at work. Medical staff........A Doctors cane Morbid.......A higher offer. Nitrates.......cheaper than day rates. Node....I knew it Outpatient....... A person who fainted Pelvis....... Second cousin of elvis Post operative..... royal mail worker Rectum.....nearly killed him Tablet..... small table Terminal illness.......getting sick at the airport Tumour........one plus one more Urine........opposite of your out
A man visits his Doctor. "Doc - I think I'm losing it " he says. "I'm forever dreaming I wrote The Lord of the Rings". "Hmmm. One moment", replies the doctor,consulting his medical records. " Ah yes, now I see....... you've been Tolkien in your sleep."
A man walks into a psychologist's office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The psychologist, humouring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The man answers, "Well,I'm worried about my brother."
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
An old G.P. and his nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the matter with him?" asked the nurse. "That's Tony Blair, he's a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids," replied the G.P. "But why is he scratching his elbow then?" asked the puzzled nurse. "Oh, he's a politician, and, as with all of them, he doesn't know his arse from his elbow."
The family decided there was no other option. Father, having reached the ripe old age of 85. , would have to go in a home as they could no longer give him the constant care he required. Not being short of a bob or two they placed him the best nursing home they could find. He got constant attention. When he started to lean to the left a nurse swiftly appeared to get him straight again. Shortly after when he started to lean to the right another nurse quickly got him straight again. The family didn't visit for a couple of days to give him chance to settle in but all arrived to see him on Sunday afternoon. 'How is it then father?, asked the eldest son. 'Well it's not too bad', said the old man. 'The food is very good, the place is more than comfortable but they won't let me fart'
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he said, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Maria, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," she replied, "I suppose I'd limp too."
It seems a Ukrainian man castrated himself after his bid to be elected mayor ended in humiliation; got less than a hundred votes. He asked for a recount and the doctor said, 'They're both gone.'
A man walks into a dentist's surgery.
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat and canna eat,
"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, had finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks......and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.
Speaking of Viagra.... as I was I have noticed one major drawback : Men are now forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in...............
Squiffy: I keep seeing spots before my eyes. Hope there's nothing wrong with me. Tom: Have you seen the Doctor? Squiffy: No, just spots!
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
"Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"
Mildred, 93 and despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung-up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. SusanSteinberg, Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see Yes,the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
Bubba's sister is pregnant and fell and banged her head, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" After a short hesitation, the doctor replies (in a hushed voice) "...Denephew"
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."
Progression of Medicine: 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2005 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I went to see my Doctor and told her, "Doctor, I can't take it
any more. "Put your pants back on, Squiffy." she said.
A man takes a phone call for his wife while she's out jogging, it's the local surgery and they are desperate to get in touch with her and ask him to take a message. The GP says, "I'm terribly sorry but we have mixed up two files and your wife has either a serious heart condition or herpes. "Oh my god!" says the man, "What can I do?" "Well," answers the doctor, "if she makes it back from jogging, don't sleep with her."
A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives, to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may increase his medical vitals through worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely . . . . .
Anatomy: something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl.
Three weeks before the birth of her baby a woman visited her Gynaecologist. "How should I lie to give birth?", she asked. "In the position you were in at the time of the conception," reassured the doctor. "What!" said the woman, "In the back of the car with my legs out of the window?"
Doctor quizzing a new elderly patient,recently moved to the area. "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
There was this young lady who was five feet three inches tall and pleasantly plump. After she had a minor accident, her mother accompanied her to the A & E. When the triage nurse asked for her height and weight, she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, good ol' Mum leaned over and said, "Sweetheart, this is not the Internet."
Vasectomy One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your wife and kids?" "Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."
Went to the doctor's......... the other day. I said,"Doctor I've swallowed a bone." "Are you choking?"he replied I said,"No,I'm bloody serious!"
Waking Up A woman wakes up one morning to find some grass and a small tree growing on top of her head! She makes an appointment to see her doctor and by the time she gets there, she has the grass, the tree plus now a lake, pathways, picnic benches and flower beds all growing on top of her head! "What's wrong with me?" she asks her doctor. "It's nothing to worry about Mrs. Smith - it's just a beauty spot."
Calming Down The Patient The patient was very upset when the doctor told him he needed a tonsillectomy. Later, while filling out the admission form, the patient was so nervous he couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took his hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure." "You're right. I'm being silly," he said, relieved. "Please continue." "Good, now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"
Dental Affair Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Linda, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been having this affair for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
Stethoscope A nurse placed her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Chat Show (For the Brits) "Doctor I feel the need to sit on the couch in my good suit late of an evening and talk to celebrities." "Well that's a classic case of Parkinsons disease if ever I saw one.........."
Testosterone A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
Hospital Squiffy was in hospital. At the end of the bed was a chart with lots of complaints listed on it. All the nurses had written something...
Dr, Dr....
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems
Opps Steve goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated. The doctor says, "I don't think that this operation is a good idea for you..." Steve cut's him off "Listen, I've made up my mind and I don't want to discuss it!" "I really think we should discuss this." says the doctor. Steve is firm, "I've thought about this for a long time. I've discussed it with my wife. I know that this is what I want." "O.K." says the doctor, I can schedule you in tomorrow morning. The next day, Steve awakes from the operation and notices the guy in the next bed also has the area between his legs heavily bandaged. "Hey buddy," says Steve, "It looks like we had the same operation!" The other patient replies, "After 34 years of life I finally decided to get circumsised." "Oh crap!" yells Steve, "That's the word!"
Overheard in A & E "So, this bloke says he wants to do me in the worst way. Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock...."
Performance A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say,"Doctor, I have a performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet." Less A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please." "Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
HillBilly Medical Attention Charlie and another hillbilly walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Charlie looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head. "No". Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. Charlie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her scimpy pants and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Charlie walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Constipation A building worker goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, I'm constipated.' The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, 'Lean over the table.' The building worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the backside with a cricket bat, and then sends him into the toilet. He comes out a few minutes later and says, 'Doc, I feel great. What should I do?' The doctor says, 'Stop wiping with cement bags.'
Drug Reactions Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
Anxiety and Panic Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?" A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time. "Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.
2 Surgeons And A Dermatologist Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically. "What's so funny?" the confused dermatologist asked. "I'm sorry, you wouldn't understand," said one of the surgeons. "It's an inside joke."
All Heart The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's doctor comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this....... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
At The Doctors "I don't understand it, doctor. My weight is just out of control," said Mrs Smith. "I've gained over 70 pounds in the last two months. Why, just yesterday, my husband called me a Fat Cow!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm sure that we can find a cause for this. Let's begin with an examination. Stick out your tongue and say 'Mooo.' "
Smoking Keeps The Wife Alive The young doctor was carrying out research into Coal Miners Pneumoconiosis ("Coal Dust Disease"), which gradually destroys the lungs. He was visiting the Miners' Social Clubs, interviewing ex-miners with the disease. In any research involving the lungs it is essential to know whether the person is exposed to tobacco smoke - his own or other peoples. "So, John, are you still smoking?" "I am," replied John. "Don't you know how bad smoking is for the lungs, especially for someone like you with "the dust"?" "Certainly, doctor, but it's only the smoking that keeps my wife alive!" "How do you mean?" asked the doctor, clearly very puzzled. "Well, if I gave up smoking, I'd murder the witch!"
Organ Transplants Squiffy went to see his Doctor and said, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant." "WHAT?" said the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants." "Well," explained Squiffy, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganised."
Check-up A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "Okay," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."
Avoidance "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?" asked the doctor of his patient. "I was just following your orders, Doc." replied the patient. "Following my orders? What are you talking about?" the doctor answered. "I gave you no such order! When did I say that??!" "Well, when you told me to avoid people who irritate me."
Nurses All the new nurses listened as the doctor continually yelled, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!", over and over again. One of them then asked another nurse, one who had worked there a while, "Why does he do that?" She replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
Bowel Problems A man goes to the doctors and says: "I've got trouble with my bowels." The Doctor asks: "Are you regular?" "Every morning at 7.30," says the man. "So, what's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well I don't wake up until eight."
Cardiologist Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. That's when the proctologist fainted.
Viagra As of April 2007, Viagra will only be available under its correct medical name. Please ask your pharmacist for Mycoxaflopin.
Domino A man goes into his local GP's surgery, straight past reception and the waiting room, and barges into the Doctor's office. "Sorry Doctor, but I've got a domino stuck up my arse and I can't go". Doctor says, "Well, you could have knocked".
Sick Nun A nurse noticed that a nun leaving the examination room in a doctor's office had a horrified look on her face. The nurse asked the doctor, "What is wrong with that nun?" The doctor said, "Nothing; I examined her and told her that she is pregnant." The nurse said, "Is she?" The doctor said, "No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
Chemists A man goes into a chemists and asks the pharmacist if she can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" She replies. The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
Doctor's Phone Call A doctor telephoned one of his patients and told him that he had some bad news and some even worse news. The patient said, "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor said, "You have only 24 hours to live." The patient said, "What news could be worse than that?" The doctor said, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Constipation The MSer went to his doctor to see what could be done about his constipation. "It's terrible," he said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," he replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean, do you take anything?" "Naturally," the MSer. answered, "I take a book."
New Viagra Heard about the new viagra eyedrops? They don't give you an erection but they make you look hard....
Time A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine, eight..."
Precautions A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his intimate life. "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old!" "My goodness Bill, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you at least took some precautions." "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet Doc. I give 'em all a phony name."
Bed Wetting This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is the doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, 'I wanted to see what I would look like with a beard.'
More on Bird Flu A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub. As often happens in pubs, they began boasting. The lion said, "I'm the King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle". The gorilla said, "That's nothing. I'm the King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming". Both the lion and the gorilla turned to face the chicken who says, "Roaring, beating, pah! That's nothing. When I sneeze ten million people shit themselves!"
The Specimen Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe." "Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is." "Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs. Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing. "Kate, what ever happened?" "I told Mrs. Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just pee in a bottle. So I told her to crap in her hat... and the fight was on."
Bird Flu Seamus: I think I may have that Bird 'Flu thing..... Sean: What makes you think that? Seamus: Its takes me ages to park the car and I spend too much time choosing shoes.....
Dangerous Food A doctor was addressing a large audience in Edinburgh. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?" Ed At The Doctors "Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whooha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Ed replied...
Radiology Overheard in the radiology dept. yesterday... "Can you stop breathing now, Mr. Jones?"
Dear Diary,
My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.
Horrible Sunburn A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Hazards A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you." she said. "The men on this floor are almost well."
The Duck Hunters Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist, After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the paediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean *NHS Doctors* -
"Well, what do we have here...?"
"Let's see how it develops."
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"This may smart a little."
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
"I'd like to run some more tests."
"There is a lot of that going around."
"If the symptoms persist, call for another appointment." Private Doctors -
"This should be taken care of right away."
"Let me check your medical history."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"We have some good news and some bad news."
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"This should fix you up."
"Everything seems to be normal."
Timberrrrrrrrrrrr! My friend, works as a radiology technician in a hospital A & E, took X-rays of a trauma patient. He brought the films to the radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment. "He fell out of a tree," my friend reported. The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service." Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked, sucked his teeth and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
I went to my Doctor today. I said "Doctor, I keep seeing, Micky Mouse, Goofy and the 101 Dalmations....." He said, "Tell me squiffy, how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes.
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. "I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking." "Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
Male Birth Control Pill A male birth control pill has been developed, but critics are questioning the "morning-after" pill's effectiveness....
Waiting St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks. "No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
Will It Hurt Much Doctor? A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
Valium You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor precribed her Valium for anixety and stress? When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that everything was wonderful! She said that her house was clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television show for thirty minutes a day. But she did need a refill on her script. "A refill, already?!" said the doctor, "How many pills are you taking?" "Taking!?" the patient replied, "I've been giving them to my children."
At the Morgue This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the doctor "Any asshole can sing country music!"
New Contraceptive Patch There's a new contraceptive patch for women. It's three inches in diameter and reads, "Get off me!"
A woman called a local hospital . . . . "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t."
Severe Disease A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband's disorder will surely be terminal: Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his strength and health." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're gonna die," she replied.
I've Sure Gotten Old I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Viagra
Viagra
Viagra is now in powder form taken as a sweetener in your tea.
At The Dentists A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.” Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.” To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair..............
Practical Viagra An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it. He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. "Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out I'll write you a prescription." The old man looked at the pills and said "Doc. Don't you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill." "Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You don't want a quarter of a pill. That won't do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience you're going to need a full dose." "Doc, you don't understand. I don't want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes."
Heart Attack A bloke gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4- year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
New Drug Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Tom
Every Monday morning without fail, the doctors' door opened and in walked old Tom. Insulin A doctor received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I took too much insulin this morning," she said. "Are you light-headed?" he asked. "No," she answered. "I'm a brunette
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