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The Aussie Kiwi divide!?? A Kiwi, was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for which he had tickets. He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. 'Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey' said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. 'No way doc' replied Wiremu 'I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!' The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, he refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia, and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: 'Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey' 'What's the cure thin doc ?' asked Wiremu …..hoping for a different answer. 'Wull, Wiremu', said the Kiwi doctor 'Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.' 'Phew, thunk god for thut!' said Wiremu, 'those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!'
Adam and Eve A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Greece Two Greeks in London are chatting in their hotel room. One says to the other, "Shall we go back to Greece?" And the other replies, "Why, what's wrong with Vaseline?"
Language A French tourist approaches two policemen in the heart of Dublin. He asks them in nice slow French, "Where's the nearest post office?" They look at him, then at each other, then shrug their shoulders; they don't understand him. The tourist asks the question again in German; again, the same response, they don't understand. He then tries Italian, Spanish, Russian (being French, of course, he refused to learn English), and they have no idea what he is saying. Flustered, the tourist storms off. One of the policemen said to the other, "Well, Seamus maybe we *should* try to learn another language." The other replies, "Why? That feller spoke *five*, and a fat lot of good it did him..."
Four Women Four women, one English, one American, one German and one French, were all asked the same question : "What would you do if you were shipwrecked on an island with a regiment of soldiers?" The English woman said she would hide. The American said she would seek the protection of the commanding officer. The German woman said she would be out marching and it wouldn't bother her. The French woman thought for a moment; "I understand ze question, but what seems to be ze problem?"
American Tourist An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere. He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him. The pub's only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a "G'day!" The American ordered a beer. "Yank eh?" quizzed the Aussie. "Sure am buddy," the Yank replied. "Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked. "It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied. There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked: "You just passing through?"
The Sinking Ship A European cruise ship captain has to convince the passengers of his sinking ship to jump overboard. He has to use a different approach with each European. He tells the English it would be unsporting of them not to jump. He tells the French it would be the smart thing to do. He tells the Germans that it is an order. And he tells the Italians that jumping overboard is forbidden.
Australian Building Site An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
German Motoring Phrases 1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators 2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood ( Bonnet) 3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust 4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch 5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture 6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver 7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car 8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers 9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt 10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code 11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights 12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist 13. Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck 14. Der Bananwaltzen = Skid 15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
Quattro Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people inna Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the car," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly."Look at the papers:this car is designed to carry five people." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
Two Japanese Businessmen Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man." Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith." Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith." She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugunah?"
An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman.... …were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.” The Scotsman says: “I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.” The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.” The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.” The Englishman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”
Cultural Differences
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
citizens.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
assimilation.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Chinese Once upon a time there were 2 Chinese people..... and now look at them! Tiger Woods Tiger Woods is in Texas in the middle of a golf tour when he pulls into a gas station in his brand new Audi. The attendant notices two golf T's fall out of Tigers jeans as he gets out of the car. Not being a big golf fan he asks, 'Hey Mistur, wuts them things fur?'. Tiger replies, 'They hold my balls when I drive.' The attendant shakes his head, 'Sheeeit, those germans think of everything...'
Chinese Baby Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him..."Sum Ting Wong".
Greeks and Italians A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says... "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."
Learning Spanish An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any usage mistakes. So, as they were hiking on a mountain trail, a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'LA mosca'...'LA', es feminina." The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and said, "Good heavens...you must have incredibly good eyesight."
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do. "Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says........"How da foock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
A YOUNG Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but determined that this woman is not going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, Norwegian."
Norwegians Two Norwegians walk into their local pet shop and head to the bird section. Leif points and says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help."Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Leif. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag, they pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Leif's truck and drive to the top of some big cliffs. Leif looks down the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a great place." He takes the two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Leif falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself "dead". Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie-jumping is too dangerous for me." VAIT!!! Dere's MORE! Moments later Knut arrives. He's been to the pet shop, too, walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as, half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and >breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , ya, you betcha!! Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head. "First dere was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrotshooting ... And now Lars, hen-gliding ..." Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Diets & Dieting The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
It's 2012 and its the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishmen want to get in but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a man hole cover. Tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Pocklington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing"
A German guy approaches a prostitute "I vish to buy sex vit you". "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour". ".....ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky". "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky". So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill please blow zis kwacker as I make love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?" "Ah", says the German.............."Four-sprung Duck technique".
German man comes to London and stays with Maurice Cohen and his family. The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German says "Wow!! We don't have bagels like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and says "And whose fault is that?"
Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meetings as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they never won a prize at the monthly drawing. That is, until last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to have his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, MN., 2 nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn, and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn. He won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said, "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days." Ole said, "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duloot was nice, and we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built-in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey vere sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and ask him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
A young American woman is touring Germany. She is walking down the street when a sleazy guy jumps out of an alley and opens his raincoat. "Ewww," she shrieks. "That's gross." "Danke schoen," he says.
Multilingualisms
In a group of beautiful desert islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded...
Two Italian men and one Italian woman One month later on these stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, empowerment, how her analyst was so-oo right, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her complexion look tired, how her last boyfriend treated her with far more respect than they do and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
At a world brewing convention the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, calls to the barman: In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, so gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real king of beers, danke." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks a million." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies: "Well, if you bunch o' pansies aren't drinkin', den neither am oi."
Last month in preparation for the Earth Summit currently being hosted by South Africa, the UN conducted a world-wide survey. The only question was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.... In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solutions" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Terror Alerts Following the recent outrages in London, the French Government has announced it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The change was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively destroying their military capability. The Italians have raised their alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their alert status from "Disdainful arrogance" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose". Observing these developments in Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find somewhere in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are"Take on the world" and "Ask the British for help". Finally, in the UK, we have gone from "Pretend nothing's happening" to "Make another cup of tea". The higher levels are "Remain resolutely cheerful" and "Win".
Heaven and Hell HEAVEN IS WHERE:
The police are Britis HELL IS WHERE:
The police are German
Elephant Culture Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6. The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Issue? The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
Nationality Germans are flummoxed by humour, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car. - - - Bill Bryson In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.- - - Geoffrey Cottrell There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defence force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch. - - - David Frost and Anthony Jay
America Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else. - - - Winston Churchill Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chilli sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavour of the dish. - - - Henry Miller America is one long expectoration. - - - Oscar Wilde America knows nothing of food, love, or art.- - - Isadora Duncan I don't see much future for the Americans. Everything about the behaviour of the American society reveals that it's half judaised, and the other half is negrified. How can one expect a state like that to hold together? - - - Adolf Hitler In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - - - Woody Allen It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them. - - - Mark Twain (about America) Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. - - - Miles Kington Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. - - - Oscar Wilde The 100% American is 99% idiot. - - - George Bernard Shaw Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment. - - - Charles Dickens (about Americans)
Canada I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada, not having seen much; what I got by going to Canada was a cold. - - - Henry David Thoreau "A Yankee in Canada" (1853)
England England, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion. The jaws of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays. - - - Eugene Deschamps English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve. - - - Fred Allen "Treadmill to Oblivion" I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. - - - Duncan Spaeth The English think soap is civilisation. - - - Heinrich von Treitschke The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart. - - - Ralph Waldo Emerson There is one thing on earth more terrible than English music, and that is English painting. - - - Heinrich Heine
France France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - - - Billy Wilder
Germany Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse. - - - Mark Twain The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest. - - - Clifton Fadiman You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. - - - P.J. O'Rourke "Holidays in Hell"
Greece
Ireland The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. - - - Hugh Leonard
Japan
Russia Russians will consume marinated mushrooms and vodka, salted herring and vodka, smoked salmon and vodka, salami and vodka, caviar on brown bread and vodka, pickled cucumbers and vodka, cold tongue and vodka, red beet salad and vodka, scallions and vodka-anything and everything and vodka. - - - Hedrick Smith "The Russians"
Scotland Scotland: That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England - that land of Calvin, oatcakes, and sulfur. - - - Sydney Smith
Yugoslavia
A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are. He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?" The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and case of beer." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot. The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?" He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot. The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals. The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for reacting to insufficient provocation!"
Euro English The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU (European Union)rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less karakter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
A Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot. go out to a pub and order 3 Pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their Pint Glasses.The Brit says, ´´Bartender, can I have a spoon?´´ and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, ´´Get out of there!´´ and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, ´´Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!"
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