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She made it His wife's graveside service had just finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she made it."
Heaven Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! Barbara. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Funeral Weather As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
Rugby Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.' Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.' 'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly.. 'Who is it?' 'Mike--it's me, Joe.' 'You're not Joe. Joe just died.' 'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.' 'Joe! Where are you?' 'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike. The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?' 'You're in the team for Tuesday.' Psychic A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. After paying her a scandalous amount of money, the psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Grandaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds. "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes grandaughter, it's me," is the response. "It's really, really you grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me grandaughter." The woman looks puzzled. "You're SURE it's you grandmother?" "Yes, grandaughter - I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment. "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child," comes the response. The woman pauses another moment before asking, "Grandmother -- when did you learn to speak English?"
What should they say? Three blokes die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." Squiffy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
Waking up after a night of heavy drinking I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
Tesco I was at Tesco yesterday, and a woman dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she'd just bought a bag for life!.
The Burial A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law." "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!"
Schwartz A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead? "
Tombstone A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiselled and could not be changed. "In that case," she said, "please add 'Until We Meet Again.'"
Cricket Two old friends, Alan and Richard, have been friends for as long as they can remember; they're both now in their nineties. They both played cricket avidly in their earlier days and are now devoted spectators of the “Summer Game”. One day whilst sitting at The Oval watching a game, Richard turns to Alan and says, “you know Alan we've been friends for the last 90 years or more and we've enjoyed cricket all that time” Alan replies “Yes” “Well” Richard continues “we've both had a good innings and are now getting towards the point were we've got to carry our bat for the last dignified last walk back to the pavilion” “Yes” says Alan “Do you think they have cricket in heaven?” asks Richard. Alan replies “I don't know; but, if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other, let's promise that if it's at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.” “Sounds good to me” says Richard. Anyway a couple of months later Alan gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back to the pavilion. About a week after Alan dies, Richard is asleep in bed; when about midnight he is woken by a voice he recognises as Alan's. Alan says “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there was cricket in heaven.” Richard answers “Yes” Well says Alan “There is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?” Richard thinks for a moment and answers “I'll have the good news first please” So Alan starts with the good news “There is cricket in heaven, and the weather is always a warm spring afternoon.” He continues “All our old friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth, so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried; and the afternoon teas are to die for.” Richard says ”That's great; but, what's the bad news then?” Alan replies “You're opening the batting for us next Tuesday!”
Knock, knock
"Knock Knock."
Life Two baby boys are born in the same hospital on the same day and are placed in cots next to each other. The next day each one is taken home by it's respective parents and they never meet growing up. Seventy-some years later they both come back to that same hospital on the same day to die. They are placed in a room together and after everyone has left and it has grown quiet, one of them leans over to the other and asks, "So... what did you think?"
Dying Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question. "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last man replies: "I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
At The Funeral After the funeral, Mrs. Smith was talking with her best friend about the dearly departed: "You know, he never wanted to leave home, wanted to spend all his retirement years right here in town. He just refused to take me to Hawaii or even to take a cruise in the Mediterranean." "Oh, you poor dear," said the friend, "and now you'll never see those places." "I dunno," smiled Mrs. Smith, you know... where there's a will, there's a way."
Dog Walking
Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs.
Gravestone
Here lies an atheist.
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid one evening... It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of. When the boss came in and asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mum, how did Dad actually die?" Her mum replied, "Heart attack darling." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, actually, we were making love." This shocked and infuriated the daughter, because her parents were both 60 years old. The daughter said, "You are 60 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mother replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor man... he'd still be alive today if that Ice Cream van hadn't come along..."
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Two worms in a graveyard. One says to the other: 'Let's go and make love in dead earnest.'
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man. "Tony Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Dai got a bit fed up with being teased by his relatives at weddings. Old Aunts would go up to him and say, "You're next!" They stopped though, after he started doing the same to them at funerals..........
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to. One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender." Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service. Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every penny of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
Roland ("Larry") LaPrise, who composed the "Hokey Cokey", died recently. The undertakers had a terrible time. They got his left leg into the coffin, but then it all started to go wrong!
Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to become upset and yell. Expressing patience is clearly the superior option. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that the dishes aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just her age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. ========================================= Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of death is still under investigation.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that a bonus?? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for secondary school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven. God says to them "Ahead are 100 steps, at each stair you will be told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you will stay in Heaven." So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell. The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got on the train to Hell. The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused, then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she had laughed. Still laughing she replied: "I finally got the first joke!"
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.".....
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
Mortician A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!' the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?! "
A Little Yorkshire Mistake A stone mason was approached to prepare a headstone for a well known member of the local community. There was little time but the stone was to be in place for an official unveiling to be held in front of visiting dignitaries and members of the press. The mason accepted the order and set about his task. The evening before the unveiling, the stone was erected with suitable solemnity and duly covered from prying eyes. An official, checking that all was well, peered at the inscription in the fading light. He was horrified to discover that the mason had missed a letter from the final line of text. Contacting the mason, he babbled "you've missed an 'e' off the last line! What will we do?" The mason was unperturbed and assured the official that he would attend the site in the morning and add the errant letter. All apparently went well and, even as the motorcade was approaching the cemetery, the last chips of stone flew off the end of the busy chisel. The ceremony complete, the stone was unveiled and all the world was delighted to read the final script: " E God, she is thin "
Florida Poker Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." So Goldberg goes to the Meyerwitz unit and knocks on the door. Mrs Meyerwitz yells from behind the door what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. He needs more money." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
Cheese Scones An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife................... Get off" She said, "They're for the funeral"
Dog Bite One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied,"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Life after death An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance on her husband. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?" The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Breaking News................ A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath. The bath had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.
Funeral Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
Obituary Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
New admittance rule for Heaven It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Trump enter. A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
Two Hells A man died, and as he'd led a very sinful life, he found himself in Hell. A guide met him at the entrance, "You have a choice; you can go to Private Contractor Hell or the Local Authority Hell." Being a shrewd man, he decided to survey both before deciding. He met the Private Contracting Devil first, all suited up, hair greased back, and asked him: "So what goes on inside Private Contractor Hell?" "Well", said the Devil, "we get paid to boil people in oil, ram them with spikes and flail them alive." "Stuff that", said the man, "I'm off to Local Authority Hell." Once there, he met the Local Authority Devil, this devil had no jacket, no tie and urine stained trousers. The sinner asked, "Tell me, what goes on in a Local Authority Hell?" The Local Authority Devil scratched his scabby beard and said: "Well, we like to boil people in oil, ram spikes through their bodies and flail them alive." "What! But that's just the same as the Private Contracting Hell! Although ...I can't help noticing you have a long queue of people waiting to get in, why is that?" The Local Authority Devil shuffled uncomfortably, "Ah, yes...um... well, we've run out of oil, there's no funding for spikes and the demon who operates the flail is on long term sick leave."
The Big G Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?" The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'." St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?" The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive." St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?" The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'." Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?" The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am." Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker. Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?" The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'." Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'." She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea." Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!" The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy!"
Cyanide This fellow goes to a chemist and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The chemist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the chemist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The chemist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realise you had a prescription."
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