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Parrot I've found a parrot in my garden. All it says is, "Good morning you ugly git!". Is it yours?
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy! The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Housewives Top Tip Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Chinese Torture A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Twins A gendarme stops a UK registered car in Paris because one of it's brake lights isn't working. He asks the driver to get out of the car and the passenger to stay put. The occupants explain that they are conjoined twins John and Jim and cannot therefore comply. The gendarme feels a bit sympathetic and engages them in conversation. "Are you in Paris on holidays" he asks? "yes" says Jim "we have been coming here for the last ten years". "Are you in Paris to enjoy the beautiful food?" "No" said Jim" French food is all garlicky so we have brought our own sandwiches". "Ah then you must be here to drink our lovely wines and cognac". "No" replies Jim "We're both pint men and cannot stand wine nor brandy". "Then" says the now bemused gendarme "you must be here for the beautiful mademoiselles" "No" replies Jim "Neither of us like French women we prefer our own". "Why then" says the now irate gendarme " do you come to our beautiful country?" Jim says "It's the only chance John gets to drive."
Cure Found! They found a cure for mad cow disease: A box of chocolates and a dozen roses
Sexual Endurance The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Dave from boasting to Greg about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Greg admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Dave looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." I gotta try it, said Greg. "Susan won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to Susan, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million quid, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. His boss replied, "You are late, you're fired!" "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" Greg pleaded. "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
Old Gentleman A very elderly gentleman (mid nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Why Men Stay Best Friends
Friendship between women:
Friendship between men:
I can remember the time I gave up drinking and sex at the same time. Crikey, in all my life that was the worst half hour I've ever spent.
Local Bakery Our corner bakery here is very successful because they operate on sound business principles--small turnovers, large profits................. Erections A man is walking along the road when a bus passes by and he gets a slight erection. Next day, walking along the road when a large truck passes and he gets a large erection. Next day walking along when a juggernaut passes and he gets an almighty erection. Worried about this he goes to doctor who takes blood sample and asks to see him in a week. The following week and the doc confronts the man with the bad news, "I'm sorry to say the blood test shows you to be HGV positive"
A young man had decided to do some DIY... ...while his girlfriend was out so he varnished the toilet seat. When his sweetheart returned, she went straight into the loo, dropped her jeans and panties and sat down to allow the passage of nature. After the event, she tried to stand but was, by now, stuck fast. Her boyfriend, hearing the commotion came running in and saw her sitting there, naked from the waist down. Unable to remove her from the seat, he reluctantly called the Fire Brigade. As they arrived, the boyfriend passed the girl an old cowboy hat that was lying around. She placed it on her lap to cover her modesty. The fireman came into the room, took a good look at the situation, turned to the boyfriend and said, "I can save the girl, but I think the cowboy's a goner." Then they went to the hospital to have the seat removed. All the medical students crowded round to have a look; "What's up," said the registrar, "have you never seen something like this before?". "Yes," said a student, "but never framed".......
Too Shy Chuck was always shy with girls. One evening, he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob, being very experienced, was supposed to help Chuck in his quest for female companionship, and sexual companionship. One sweet young thing in the room noticed Chuck, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy as well, she could not just go up to him, but instead used gestures. "Bob," Chuck said. "That girl over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?" "Give her the eye back," replied Bob. So Chuck, as best as he could, gave her the eye. A few moments passed. "Bob," said Chuck, now getting rather excited. "She's smiling at me. What do I do?" "Smile back." So Chuck, trying to appear cool and calm, smiled back. A few more moments passed. "Bob!" exclaimed Chuck. "She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?" "Show her your nuts," Bob calmly replied. So Chuck turned toward the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck out his tongue, and wiggling it, exclaimed, "Bluble, bluble, bluble!"
Lonely Brain Cell Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. "We're down here ..."
Viagra After 30 years of marriage, sex just wasn't what it used to be. Susan longed for the days of being a newlywed, when just about anything was a good enough reason to have sex. Then one day she saw an ad for Viagra on TV. It sounded too good to be true. The very next morning she went to the chemists and asked the pharmacist if Viagra really worked. "Yes," he said, "I use it myself." "Can you get it over the counter?" asked Susan. The pharmacist replied "Well, not with one pill, but maybe with two..."
Ghosts The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question: "Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked, "Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so. Then the question, "Who of you have had the occaison to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query, "Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?", and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised. "Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further." And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie, I thought ye said goat!".
Phone Call "Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning." "Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Old Age An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview, the reporter noticed that the garden was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,keeping them in fresh tea and cakes. "Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked. "Naw, sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied with a sly grin. "Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?" "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife." "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old." "Thass right," said the old man with pride. "Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked. "Naw, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off." "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?" "Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
Acid A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Granny: "Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Curry So there I was with a group of friends, at the local curry house when the manager came to our table. "Curry OK?" he said. "Just one song if you must," I said, "then leave us to enjoy our meal, there's a good chap."
Pregnancy When the gynaecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Anni got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered." "Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place." Startled, Anni exclaimed, "You mean, five tequila shooters and then a ride on Charlie's truck?
Marriage
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
Unemployment "So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?" "Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy. "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"
Blondes Q: Why do blonde's have bruises around their belly button? A: Because there are blonde guys, too.
Cyberlover Meeting your cyberlover for the first time could be tough...what if she expects a 1 gig hard drive, and all you've got is a 3.5" floppy?
Late After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"
The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!!"
Discovery Channel A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our "little" tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
Cold Night One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now." "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs." "Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room." So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the path. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
New Study According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women..............
IMPURE MATHEMATICS Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine), is accosted by the notorious villian, Curly Pi, and factored (oh, Horror!). Once Upon a time (1/t), pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that is was insufficient, and make her way in among the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in on here from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steed gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently aline, in a non euclidian space. She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face, He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once, Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated an saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.Arcsinh." She could see at once by his degenerate conic an dissipative terms that he was bent on no good, "Arcsinh," she gasped. "Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angels have a lit of secs." "Oh sir," she protested. "Keep away form me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself, my dear." said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary." "I... I" she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal but homologous." "What order are your?" the brute demanded. "Seventeen." replied Polly. Curly leared, "I suppose you've never been operated on." "Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I"m absolutely convergent." "Come, come," said Curly. "Let"s go to a decimal place I know and I"ll take you to the limit." "Never!" gasped Polly. "Abscissa." he swore, using the vilest oath he know. His patience was gone. Cohsining her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit, Her convergence would soon be gone forever! There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavysided operator. Curly"s radius squared itself. Polly"s loci quivered. He integrated by parts, he integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed runge kutta on here. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operation until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then he exponentiated and became completed orthogonal. When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, and had been truncated in several places, But is was too late to differentiate how. A the months went by, Polly"s denominator increased monotonically, Finally she went to L"hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place an drove Polly to deviation. The moral of our sad story is this: "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
Drama Failed my audition as Romeo through a slight misunderstanding.... My script said " Enter Juliet from the rear"
Golf Betty had gotten to the golf course bright and early for a Saturday morning round of golf. All of a sudden she ran screaming towards the clubhouse and just about knocked over the golf pro. "What's wrong?" asked the surprised pro. "I've been stung by a bee!" cried Betty. "Where?" asked the pro. "Between the first and second hole!" "Lady," said the pro, "Your stance is way to wide!"
A Good Turn A man comes into work on a Monday with a black eye. His fellow workers ask him what happened. "I was in church yesterday", says the man, "when a young woman came in wearing a summer dress and sat in the seat in front of me. When she stood up the dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum, so I leaned forward and plucked it out. And she hit me!" The next Monday he comes in with two black eyes. "I was in church yesterday," he explains, "and the same young woman in the same dress sat in front of me. When she stood up her dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum again, and the man beside me leaned forward and plucked it out. I knew she didn't like that, though, so I pushed it in again..."
Gulf War Veteran Dragging their feet two men are approaching each other on a path. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Iraq 1991." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
The Breakdown A woman's car gets a flat tyre on the motorway one day. So she eases it over onto the hard shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the boot and takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrived. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the owner of the vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer. "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
An Open Letter
AN OPEN LETTER TO
Dear Mr. Thatcher, Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlFAa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Who Am I? One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighboorhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and whiskey bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a big party last night," the postman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Heck, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The postman laughs and says, "Dang, I'm sorry I missed that!" "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."
Depressed Dyslexic
Q: Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic?
Hunting Trip Boudreaux, Thibodaux, Gautreaux and Pierre all went on a hunting trip. They only had two tents and no one wanted to sleep with Boudreaux because he snored so loudly. The others decided that to be fair they would rotate who had to sleep with Boudreaux. Pierre had to sleep with him first, and he stepped out of the tent next morning grumpy with bloodshot eyes and his hair a mess. The rest said, “Man you look turibble”. He replied, “Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I couldn’t sleep a wink….I just watch him all night long” The next night was Thibodaux’s turn. The next morning, Thibodaux was grumpy with blood shot eyes. They all said, ” Man, Thibodaux, you look like a train hit you”. Thibodaux said, “Yeah, from the noise you da thought there was a train was in my tent. All I could do was watch Boudreaux snore all night long.” The third night was Gautreaux’s turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, happy and whistling, and said, “Good morning all”. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “How da hell did you get sleep with all dat snoring?” Gautreaux say, “Well, Boudreaux and I get ready for bed and I reach over and kiss him on the cheek and pat his ass and said, ‘Good night, sweetpants’………and Boudreaux stay up and watch me all night.”
Poor Grandpa Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
Baghdad Weather Forecast Sunni in places Sh ite in others
Party I attended a party this Saturday. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." Then she asked, "What's your name?" "Golftits," I replied.
The Amazing Goldstein A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, clowns, contortionists, etc. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet two inches tall, and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive prodigious member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns. Ten years later, the same salesman visits the same little town and sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Our friend the salesman can't believe the guy is still alive, much less doing his act! So, he buys a ticket and sits through the various acts, waiting for the big finale. Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong. The crowd goes wild! The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like Goldstein's act. But, he wants to know why Goldstein, at his age, is now smashing coconuts instead of the much smaller walnuts. "Vell, I'll tell you," says Goldstein, wearily, "My eyes aren't vat dey used to be."
Merlin A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says: Chap - You're Merlin aren't you? Merlin - Why yes ..it's nice to be recognised! Chap - Bit of a Wizard ..I hear? Merlin - Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled. Chap - Do tricks and things ..don't ya.. Magical stuff? Merlin - Magical ... yes that's correct. Chap - Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right? Merlin - Well Yes ..I suppose I could turn a King into a Frog! Chap - Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake? Merlin - Well Yes ...hasn't everyone? Chap - Can you reverse a curse? Merlin - Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ....Why ? Chap - I'm Cursed Merlin - Really ... and how long have you been bewitched? Chap - Years..... Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse? Chap - Yeah .. can't forget them! Merlin - What were they? Chap - something like ... Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Travelling Salesman A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone. The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here." And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."
Hypothetically These two fellers were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first feller says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer come Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second feller crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it'd shore make us even!"
The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger was captured by an enemy Indian war party. The chief proclaims "So you are the great Lone Ranger. I will execute you in three days but before I do, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone ranger says "I'd like to speak to my horse" The chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear. Silver then gallops off and returns an hour later with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night there. Next morning the Indian chief admits he is impressed "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I am still going to kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought before him and he again whispers in his ear. Silver gallops across the plains and disappears over the horizon. That evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver returns with a brunette even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night with him. The following morning the chief is again impressed "You are indeed a brave man of many talents, with a very clever horse, but tomorrow you die. What is your last request?" the Lone Ranger says "I want to speak to my horse.................alone" The chief is curious, but agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye, and says loudly "Listen very carefully you deaf old dumb ass horse...................... .............. For the last time........Bring possee !!!"
What do a fat lady and a moped have in common? They are both a lot of fun to ride until your friends see you!! Foot Fetish I once had a girlfriend with a foot fetish, but she dropped me when she found I only had eleven inches.
Men How are men like tights? They either run, cling, or don't fit quite right in the crotch.
Confidence Two friends are chatting in a pub after work. The first man turns to the second and asks, "If you came home early and caught another man in bed with your wife, what would you do?" The second man answers, "Why, I'd take my shotgun and blow both of them to pieces!" The first man answers, "Glad you told me. I was starting to get over confident."
Army Love A women was in love with fourteen soldiers; it was platoonic......
Trouser Buying I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.............
PC or Apple? I was shopping for an upgrade, the perky saleswoman seemed very intent on me trying an Apple, instead of a PC. As she extolled the virtues of the machine, I happened to glance down at her name-tag When I saw her name was "Eve", I beat a hasty retreat from the shop. I mean ain't no way I was gonna be held responsible for starting THAT all over again................
Warning! Whatever you do, don't be tempted to dial any of these sleezy premium rate sex lines starting with "09....." Don't ask me how it happened but my mate Dave only made one call and he got a bill for £987.63. I think he told me that the advert called it "Stuttering Sluts."
Condom Quandry A woman walks into Boots and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
New eye-drops for men
Viagra is now available in eye-drop form ...
Genies A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
Rose and Kitty Rose and Kitty are talking at the local coffee shop. Kitty: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date. I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Rose: "Well . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Kitty, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!" Kitty: "Goodness gracious! . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Rose: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Efficiency A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table. The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, "Do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient." Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter answered " That efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash my hands." The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Singles Bar A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected.
Boredom There once was a man who was very rich who had losts of money, a big house and lots of women. Well when a man has everything he gets bored. To reduce the boredom, our man had an annual party that was just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous year. He was still bored. One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles. Halfway through the annual party, he announced: "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house." There was silence. Then he added, "Anyone that can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks." Still silence. Sweetening the offer he added, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive, can have my house, my stocks, my investments and all my money." Suddenly, there's a loud splash. There's a man in the pool fighting for his life with the crocodiles. It's a struggle, but he manages to swim across the pool. He just makes it to the other end and climbs out, half dead with one arm and one leg. "Oh my god" Said the rich man that was incredible. "When do you want the house?" "I dont want the house" said the poor guy. "When do you want the money?" "I don't want the money." "When do you want all my stocks and investments?" "I don't weant your stocks and investments." So the rich guy says "Well what do you want then?" "I want the bastard that pushed me in."
Paper Or Plastic? I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?" "It doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
Deaf Peeps In A Pub A man was sitting in a pub and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the pub. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
Albanians I'm sure you've heard on the news that there has been a huge increase in the number of Eastern Europeans coming into the UK. Around here there are loads of Albanians. I haven't got a problem with them but they're just so pale and their pink eyes really freak me out.
Life
Tricky Situation
Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. How do you safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed!!!!
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert isle for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ...well ....you know ....screw her?" "Out of WHAT????" asked the other!
Newspaper Boy
An 11 year-old newspaper vendor of Cape Town, in South Africa, sold the most newspapers over a 12 month period and was rewarded as a first prize a one week stay in a London hotel. The second day in the hotel the lad was so bored that just about everyone noticed it. Some one telephoned the Daily Mirror. The Mirror reporter interviewed the lad and published a photo and a story about the lad being bored to death with his first prize. The manager of the Mirror decided to change all that by offering the lad a job to sell the Mirror. The lad gladly accepted. After his first day he came back without selling a single newspaper. The Mirror's manager wanted to know how this was possible. How could the lad have sold the most newspapers in Cape Town, yet he could not sell a single paper in London. The lad explained that he did not have the answer either. He was shouting the paper's name, like he was used to do in Cape Town: "Mirror, Mirror!" Daily Mirror!", but no one bought a paper. The manager then explained that things are done a bit different in London. In London the newspaper vendors pick themselves a story on the front page and then shouts the headline. That is how it is done in London. The next day the lad was selling newspapers at a horrific rate, outselling all other vendors. The manager and the editor decided to go and have a look. On a street corner they found the lad shouting: "Prince Charles castrated, Prince Charles castrated!" And people were buying papers like crazy. Both the manager and the editor realized that the Mirror was heading for big trouble, so they jumped out of their car, grabbed the boy and pulled him into the car. Both wanted to know how on earth the lad could shout such things on street corners. The lad explained: "Well, you said I must pick a story on the front page and shout its headlines." "Yes," said the manager, "but where the hell do you see such a story on today's front page?" The lad replied: "Look, here it is, it says: Royal Ball Off!"
Driving Test Question: You are driving along a two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you: follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass? Which is the correct choice?
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
How to better understand a man....
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AA is not an option. I will win. _________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at Tesco, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. ___________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly). _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after all."
There was an old man on park bench crying. A concerned pedestrian enquires, "Why are you crying?"
The old man: "I just celebrated my 85th birthday, and I got married yesterday to an 18 year old nymphomaniac blonde beauty that is all a man could ask for". Pedestrian: "Then why are you crying?" Old man: "I don't remember where I live."
"Do you mean to tell me your whole family was shocked and
surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?" Bill asked
Doug.
"That's right." Doug said. "But if he was ninety-five-years-old, why was everybody surprised." Bill asked. Doug shakes his head and says, "Well, who the heck would ever expect his parachute to not open?"
A scientist has invented a bra which offers more support and
prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down.
After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten up by a large group of men.
A woman walks into a bar and demands a double entendre.
So, the Bar man gives her one.
A mate of mine has just spent six weeks in the the premature ejaculation intensive care unit.
At one stage it was touch and go...
A man boards a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful - you guessed it - blonde. The blonde keeps glancing quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he says, embarrassed: "It's golf balls". The blonde continues to look at him thoughtfully and finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, asks: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.
He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. “Mmmm,” he thinks. “What's going on here.” A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!! A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who the heck are you? She replies “my name is ...........Buffet, the vampire slayer!”
Dear Diary, Didn't get any sweets. My Halloween treats-or-flash routine resulted in screams and calls to the Police. Again.
Poetry
Nothing can express how you feel better than a poem. These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
I thought that I could love no other
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
I want to feel your sweet embrace
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
I see your face when I am dreaming
My love you take my breath away
My feelings for you no words can tell
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
The "Not So Great Books" literary series
HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS, by Warren Peace I LOST MY BALANCE, by Eileen Dover and Phil Down THE GREAT GERMAN BANK ROBBERY, by Hans Zupp I HATE THE SUN, by Gladys Knight PRISON SECURITY, by Barb Dwyer HOW I WON THE MARATHON, by Randy Holeway WHEN THE LION ATTACKED, by Claude Yarmoff TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT, by Ike Witt
Sleep Positions
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?” And she said, "Take a sweater..."
What happens if you play country music backwards?
Your wife comes back, and your dog is still alive.
Warning to Grandpas
Heed this warning. Do NOT lose your Grandchildren in the supermarket.
From the Edinbugh Fringe....
Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit worried. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go... Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. Susan Murray at the Underbelly Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people. David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school - Ahmed Ahmed at C34 A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done." Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail. Colin Ramone at The Stand I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you." Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness. Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. Scott Capurro at the Pleasance My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at the Trap Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space. Rhod Gilbert at the Tron Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink". Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34 I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction. Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him. Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in. Seymour Mace at Café Royal An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. Ahmed Ahmed at C34 Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! Seymour Mace at Café Royal I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at the Pleasance I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that Milton Jones at the Underbelly Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was signing copies of the script in Waterstones the other day. They threw me out. It appears that you're meant to get permission first. Robin Ince (who appeared in The Office) at the Underbelly The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church." Colin Ramone at The Stand Two blind fellows walk into a wall. Lee Mack at the Assembly Rooms 50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p. Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price. Nice Mum, at the Underbelly I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" Arnold Brown at The Stand How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him. Al Pitcher at the Underbelly
Ever tried to do mechanical DIY with a Haynes book?
The truth revealed.......
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Haynes: Pry...
Haynes: Undo...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Haynes: Lightly...
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Haynes: Compress...
Haynes: Inspect...
Haynes: Carefully...
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs
removed.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Haynes: Index
For Added Haynes Fun: Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..." NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub, followed by a
lesbian, a dog, a monkey, a worm and a white horse.
The barman says, "is this a joke or what?"
Q. How do you know when it's time to do the washing up and clean the
house?
A. Look inside your pants. If you have a penis, it's not time.
There's a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub enjoying a burly
pint of cloudy scrumpy to demonstrate just how HARD they are.
The Dual Carriageway is impressing these pretty little A-roads with his central reservation and the Motorway is showing off about his hard shoulder and they're getting on really well. They are just about to take the A-Roads "back to their place" when a green piece of tarmac walks in through the door. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the table. Well, the A-Roads are not impressed at all as you may imagine. The green tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the bar. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they've blown it with the A-Roads. The first A-road asks the Motorway "Why did you go white and dive for cover when that green piece of tarmac walked in -- you're supposed to be the king of the roads?". The Motorway replies, "WHY? That guy's a bloody Cycle Path!!"
If Star Wars was set in Barnsley
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Kendray and called Spanner. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Barnsley or England top. Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Cocker by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby Darth Vader would referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress 'that dome-edded get' R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire. Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from Athersley said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a knacker-faced poof from Sheffield. The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Barnsley Chronicle I Love Tarn Army sticker in the back window and a St Georges Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS bumper sticker. Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6. The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed through Grimethorpe and tell the locals it was full of Cockneys or leave it unattended in Alhambra car park. Or you could convert it into a huge Takeaway. Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:- Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this" translation: "Am Kackin Missen" "Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." "Come right art you bastards Al tek ont lotton yer" "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." "Bugger the mumbo - wot tha needs is a chuffin gret crickit bat" Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker -"The Force is strong in this one" "Thar allus Laikin abart, theee" Princess Leia - "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?" "Ah dint think they took short-arses in t coppers?" "This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade." "We nackered in this peece er crap" Admiral Motti - "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader." "You think you're that hard, yer southern get - artside!!" Obi Wan - "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." It's looking black over Bill's Mother's" Luke to the Emperor -"Your overconfidence is your weakness." "You think yer really summat, dunt yer"
The contest is sponsored by the English Department at San Jose State University
in California. The rule is simple: Write only the first line of a bad novel.
There you have it. So, without a further ado, here are this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest winning entries. Enjoy: 1. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it." 2. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens." 3. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 4. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'" 5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store." 6. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 7. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 8. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." AND THE WINNER IS ... TA DAA! "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
It was my son's birthday yesterday.
I got him a torch with a 500 Watt bulb in it. You should have seen his little face light up!
After a night of drinking with the girls 2 friends were walking home
when they both had to go to the bathroom really bad. With no where else
to go, walking past a cemetery, they thought that would be the best
place where no one would see them.
Toilet paper not being available, one of them thought she would take off her underwear and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darned girls nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no undies on!" "That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in on her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided
to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."
A man is in the pub and when he comes back from the toilet his friends point
out a large, athletic looking black woman at the bar. "She just broke wind in
your pint." They tell him. He looks at his pint and it does seem a little
cloudy. He shouts in a loud voice "I'm off to the loo lads!!" and hides behind
a pillar. Sure enough the woman comes over and guffs in his pint of Best. The
man shouts over "Oy!! you fart in my Whitbread?" " No," says the woman "I'm
Tessa Sanderson."
We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists
working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doin!
Man goes into a post office in a tiny village down in deepest Devon
and says to the buxom young wench behind the counter.
"Excuse me, do you keep stationery?" "Oh yes sirr, roight up till the larst minute then I go absolutely WOILD! "
So, this guy shows up at a very exclusive party. The bouncer says, "I'm sorry
sir, but I can't admit you without a tie." So he goes back to his car and
searches the whole car for a tie. Of course he doesn't have one, but in the boot
finds his jump leads. So he thinks to himself, "Well, it's worth a try".
So he tucks the cables down in his back pocket and brings part of them up and makes this pucker little bow tie type of a thing, and goes back to the party. When the bouncer opened the door he said, "What do you think, can I come in?". The bouncer says, "Well, all right, you can come in, but don't start anything."
Last week I was awarded the title of U.K. Trifle Maker of The Year,
with a great many votes. Hundreds and Thousands in fact.
...when it is raining cats and dog?
Try hailing taxis.
Describe a hungry horse in 4 letters..............
MTGG
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband
from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in
positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on”! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are blooming impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs." |
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