You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and "you are looking wonderful."

-- Francis Cardinal Spellman

To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty, and in the same field, it beholds, every hour, a picture which was never seen before, and which shall never be seen again"

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same."

-- Carlos Castenada

"Laughter is the closet distance between two people."

-- Victor Borge

In my opinion he will make a great king. He is a young man wise beyond his ears.

-- Armand Hammer on Prince Charles

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that humour excites in those who lack it. -- George Saintsbury

Humour is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom.

~Taki

A wise man changes his mind; a fool never will.

-- Spanish Proverb

Pride is the mask of one's own faults.

-- Jewish Proverb

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.

-- African Proverb

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

-- Unknown

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."

-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

-- Linda Ellerbee

"If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when reading."

-- Unknown

I phoned my grandparents and my grandfather said 'we saw your movie'. 'Which one?' I said. He shouted 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?'

-- Brad Pitt

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

-- Samuel Johnson.

Life is the biggest bargain. We get it for nothing.

-- Yiddish Proverb

Treat every person with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you. Remember that you show compassion to others not because of who they are but because of who you are.

-- Andrew T. Somers

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.

-- Henry Ward Beecher

There are three things that if a man does not know, he cannot live long in this world:

What is too much for him,
What is too little for him, and
What is just right for him.

-- Swahili Proverb

In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter.

-- Chinese Proverb

When you teach your son, you teach your son's son.

-- The Talmud

Tell me whom you love, and I'll tell you who you are.

-- Creole Proverb

"Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs."

-- Unknown

It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.

-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."

-- Unknown

If your world doesn't allow you to dream, move to one where you can.

-- Billy Idol

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

-- Dave Barry

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

-- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."

-- Mary Wilson Little

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."

--Arthur C. Clarke

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

-- Gilda Radner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

-- Rita Rudner

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

-- Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

-- Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

-- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.

-- Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

-- Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

-- Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

-- Harry S. Truman

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.

-- Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods (or goddesses) unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

-- G.K. Chesterton

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

-- Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.

-- Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

-- Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

-- John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.

-- Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.

-- Ruth Gordon

"England and America are two countries divided by a common language."

--George Bernard Shaw

"An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."

-- Ambrose Bierce

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

-- Dave Barry

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."

--Anonymous.

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."

--Ingrid Bergman

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

--Anonymous

"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough."

--M. C. Escher

"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."

--Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator

"If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are."

-- Unknown

"All men by nature desire knowledge"

-- Aristotle

No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from.

--Charles Schulz (Linus in "Peanuts")

It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it.

-- Hiram Kasten

Money can't buy love--but it certainly puts you in a wonderful bargaining position.

-- Harrison Baker

If it wasn't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

-- George Gobel

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

-- Robin Williams

Buy thermometers in the wintertime. They're much lower then.

--Soupy Sales

Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.
Build a better door and the mice can't get in anyhow.

-- Cal Tinney

If you use a waffle iron for a pillow, be sure it is unplugged.

-- Gary Owens

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

-- Will Rogers

You can't be happy with a woman who pronounces both d's in Wednesday.

-- Peter De Vries

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful,
we must carry it with us or we find it not.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best things in life are nearest Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.

-- Robert Louis Stevenson

It's a funny thing about life, if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

-- Somerset Maugham

Too many people grow up. That's the real trouble with the world, they don't remember what it's like to be twelve years old.

-- Walt Disney

You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.

--Scott Ostler

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."

--Marcus Aurelius

"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone."

-- Bjarne Stroustrup, inventor of the C++ programming language

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Jack Handy

No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy.

-- Henry Kissinger

"One who looks for a friend without faults will have none."

-- Anon

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to Commemorate Pearl Harbor!

-- Phyllis Diller

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-- Robert A. Heinlein

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

-- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

--Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting m married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

--Rod Stewart

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

-- Emo Philips

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

-- Erma Bombeck

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

--Quentin Crisp

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

--Elayne Boosler

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

--Brian O'Rourke

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realise I'm listening to it.

-- George Carlin

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is.I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat....."

--Rebecca West.

"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And, Dance like you do when nobody's watching."

--Anon

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

-- Mark Twain

Having a sense of humour is a sign of maturity, because it demonstrates a sense of proportion about what's truly important.

-- Rabbi Noah Weinberg If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

--Peter Ustinov

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

--Isaac Asimov

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible. "

--Walt Disney

"Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams."

-- Unknown

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet, and the winds long to play with your hair."

-- Kahlil Gibran

"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German, and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. If my theory should prove to be untrue, then France will say I am a German, and Germany will say I am a Jew."

-- Albert Einstein

"When it is darkest, men see the stars"

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it sure works."

-- Henny Youngman

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.

-- Jerome K. Jerome

"What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare?"

-- W. H. Davies

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pajamas on.

-- Victoria Wood

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

-- Victoria Wood

Sexual harassment at work .... is it a problem for the self-employed?

-- Victoria Wood

Each handicap is like a hurdle in a steeplechase, and when you ride up to it, if you throw your heart over, the horse will go along, too.

-- Lawrence Bixby

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

-- Jerry Garcia

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

-- Courtney Cox

"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience."

-- Doug Larson

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

-- Abraham Lincoln

Insomnia... A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

-- Author Unknown

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

-- H. L. Mencken

To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.

--Franklin P. Adams

Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you.

-- Source Unknown

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

- Sharon Stone

"Inside me, there's a thin woman trying to get out. But, I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate."

-- Anon

No matter how far down the wrong road you've gone, turn back.

-- Turkish proverb

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

--Victor Borge

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."

-- Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

-- Henry Kissinger

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

-- Author Unknown

Half of being smart is knowing what you¹re dumb at.

-- Solomon Short

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

-- Napoleon Bonaparte

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

-- Steve Martin

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".

Source Unknown

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

-- Anonymous

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

-- Mark Twain

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."

-- Unknown

You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."

-- Unknown

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

-- Unknown

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

-- Sacha Guitry.

"About 300 people ate 80 to 100 pounds of fried lamb, sheep and bull testicles during last weekend's annual Testicle Festival in Elderon, Wisconsin. The only place where they crunch more balls is at the annual divorce lawyers convention in Los Angeles."

-- Jake Novak

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

-- Dave Barry

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

-- Author Unknown

Truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures.

-- Han Suyin

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Source Unknown

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"

-- Neva Faith Linn

"Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"

-- Unknown

"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it."

-- Sara Swank

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."

-- Doug Larson

"A hard man is good to find."

-- Mae West

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."

-- Unknown

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower or vacuum cleaner."

-- Ben Bergor

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button and you'll be disconnected."

-- Unknown

Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: "I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."

-- Unknown

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-- Source Unknown

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

-- Roseanne Barr

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands ... but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

-- Somerset Maugham

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified.

-- Anita Weiss

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

-- Albert Einstein

We attract hearts by the qualities we display; we retain them by the qualities we possess.

-- Suard

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

-- Ogden Nash

I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

-- Dorothy Parker

If someone tells you he is going to make "a realistic decision", you immediately understand that he is going to do something bad.

-- Mary McCarthy

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

-- Don Quinn

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

-- Rebecca West

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

-- Bertrand Russell

Man's mind, stretched by a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?

-- Steven Spielberg

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

-- Benjamin Disraeli

"I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home."

-- Billy Connolly

"I'm down to a little more than a billion. You can get by on that if you really economize and don't buy a lot of planes and yachts and stuff."

-- Ted Turner

"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."

-- Sam Ewing

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.

-- Jules Feiffer(1965)

"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."

-- Kimberly Broyles

"A Consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it."

-- Unknown

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."

-- Richard Jeni [1957-2007]

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."

-- Franklin Jones

"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."

-- Unknown

"The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another."

-- Quentin Crisp

"Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

-- P.J. O'Rourke

"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."

-- Unknown

"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."

-- Jay Leno

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."

-- Sam Ewing

"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction."

-- Bill Flavin

"Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up."

-- Source Unknown

"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."

-- Elbert Hubbard

"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average."

-- Jonathan Fuerbringer

"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."

-- Bill Cosby

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."

-- "Smile" Zingers

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

-- Woody Allen

The reason that men break wind more than do women is that women don't keep their mouths shut enough to build up pressure.

-- Author Unknown

A conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can.

-- Author Unknown

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.

-- Bernard Bailey

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself...

-- Mark Twain

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

-- H. L. Mencken

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

-- Anon

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

-- George Carlin

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

-- Fred Allen

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

-- P. J. O'Rourke

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

-- Charles Schulz

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

-- William Castle

I think i've found the trouble with our economy. there are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it.

-- Unknown

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

-- H. L. Mencken

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

-- P.J. O'Rourke

A careless word may kindle strife, a cruel word may wreck a life, a timely word may level stress, a loving word may heal and bless.

-- Unknown

Love is not finding the perfect person but it is seeing an imperfect person perfectly

-- Unknown

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

-- H.L. Mencken

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

-- P.J. O'Rourke

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

-- Murphy's Law

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from working for a cause that we believe to be just."

-- Abraham Lincoln.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

-- Author Unknown

They talk most who have the least to say.

-- Mathew Prior

Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.

-- Lech Walensa

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-- Author Unknown

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-- Unknown

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Jack Handy

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

-- Author Unknown