-- Jane Wagner

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pajamas on.

--Victoria Wood

"Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance."

-- GK Chesterton

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."

-- Judith Viorst

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it."

-- Ivan Panin

Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

--Howard Thurman

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes but in having new eyes."

-- Marcel Proust

"............." -- Marcel Marceau

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.

-- Unknown

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.

-- Otto von Bismarck

I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

-- anon

I can't die. It would ruin my image.

-- Jack LaLanne

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

-- Wendy Liebman

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.

-- Huey Long

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

-- Ambrose Bierce

"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."

-- Unknown

I wonder what Jesus would do if He had to reload Windows for the eighth time today ?

-- Mirabour Gilbride

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

-- Mel Brooks

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

-- Robert Orben

It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.

--Anton Szandor LaVey

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."

--Franklin Jones

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."

--Bill Cosby

"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."

--Alan Coren

"I Got put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind, I'll never die."

--Unknown

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

-- Will Rogers

"World War Three will be fought with weapons of mass destruction. World War Four will be fought with sticks and stones."

-- Albert Einstein

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way."

--Anonymous

Fighting with light sabers seems to be such a dangerous sport. I would think that there would be fewer Jedi Knights named "Obi wan" and more named "Lefty."

--by Chris Akre

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

-- General George Patton

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

--Winston Churchill

"Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

-- Will Rogers

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney

"What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessity."

-- Anthony Crosland

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

-- Author Unknown

In life, no matter how tall your parents were, you still have to do your own growing.

-- Author Unknown

"The English language, complete with irony, satire, and sarcasm, has survived for centuries without smileys. Only the new crop of modern computer geeks finds it impossible to detect a joke that is not clearly labeled as such."

-- Ray Shea

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."

-- H. G. Wells

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

-- George Bernard Shaw

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges"

-- Joseph Fort Newton

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

-- Source Unknown

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

-- Sam Levenson

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

-- Margaret Mead

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

-- Gracie Allen

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, spend your whole life wasted and you'll have the time of your life.

-- Raindrop

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

-- Steven Coallier

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India."

-- Jay Leno

May your life be as beautiful as a summer day with just enough clouds to make you appreciate the sunshine.

-- Author Unknown

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at 10s and 20s.

-- Dennis Miller

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."

-- George Bernard Shaw

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer

"What luck for rulers that men do not think."

-- Adolf Hitler

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."

-- G. B. Burgin

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.

-- Robert Redford

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

-- Source Unknown

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

-- John Barrymore

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

Never eat more than you can lift.

-- Miss Piggy

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

-- Shirley MacLaine

The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.

-- Author Unknown

Some people are like Slinkies, they're not good for anything... but they still bring a smile to your face if you push them down the stairs.

-- Anon

"What does not kill me only makes me more cynical."

-- Ryan Ayukawa

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

-- Issac Asimov

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

-- Anon

The only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort.

-- Norton Juster

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford

"Any time the contents of your freezer become news, then you've done something very bad."

-- W.Jim Sutton

"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intellingent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-82)

The mistake a lot of politicians make is in forgetting they've been appointed and thinking they've been anointed.

-- Author Unknown

He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything.

-- Arabian Proverb

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

-- Josh Billings

The gods too are fond of a joke.

-- Greek Proverb

Never argue with a sassy two-year-old who's having a temper tantrum; people watching might not be able to tell who's in control.

-- Anon

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

-- Irish proverb

Three things can't be hidden; Coughing, poverty and love.

-- Yiddish proverb

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

-- W Somerset Maugham

"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

-- Jewish Proverb

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband.

-- American Proverb

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

-- Aristotle (384 - 322 B.C.)

Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.

-- Portuguese Proverb

Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or the cook.

-- Cowboy Wisdom

Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.

-- Native American Proverb

Be not afraid of going slowly; be only afraid of standing still.

-- Chinese Proverb

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

-- Unknown

A clear conscience sleeps during thunder.

-- Jamaican Proverb

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

-- H. L. Mencken

“It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation. War is hell.”

-- William Tecumseh Sherman

I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else.

--Will Rogers, 1879-1935

You can sort of be married, you can sort of be divorced, you can sort of be living together, but you can't sort of have a baby.

--David Shire

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

--Leo J. Burke

There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that is -- twins.

--Josh Billings

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

--Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980

Economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

-- Lyndon B. Johnson

"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."

-- Sir Winston Churchill

"If you are holding on to stones in your hands, your hands will not be free to take the diamonds and gold."

-- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

"Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take."

-- Josh Billings

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."

-- Mitch Ratliffe

"We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky."

-- Jay Leno

Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.

-- H. L. Mencken

"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it."

-- Josh Jenkins

'Just for today I accept the balance of positive and negative, knowing both are needed to light my lamp.'

-- Alice Bergin

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

-- Emile Henry Gauvreay

I hate women because they always know where things are.

--James Thurber

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Jack Handy

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

"A child needs your love more when he deserves it least"

-- Erma Brombeck

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'have a nice day' cures chronic depression."

-- Unknown

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."

-- Unknown

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

-- Unknown

"The main purpose of economic forecasts is to show how good astrology is"

-- JK Galbraith

Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.

-- Chinese Proverb

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

Whatever is good to know is difficult to learn.

-- Greek Proverb