At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical garb enter the church. They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the center aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. But when it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him.
He announced, "I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special mass where these young ladies are to become the 'brides of Christ'. But I'm curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?"
The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and announceed, "Family of the Groom."
A short-sighted vicar glances at the note that a member of the congregation has delivered to him through an usher. The note reads, "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the vicar startles his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
During a furious thunderstorm in Ireland, lightning strikes a car in which three Priests were travelling, and all three find themselves in Heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, how many of you have molested altar boys?"
Two hands went up. "Right," said St Peter. "You two go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf Priest with you!"
Outside A Mosque
The other day, I saw a dyslexic outside a mosque in a lion costume.
He'd converted to Aslan.
Sex On The Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it"
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims - "You brought pavement?"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible Motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from every man in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around and through it in places to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with obvious relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to thank and also explain to my wife again that the word is Sternum."
How to get to heaven
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything Tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, And loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FOOKIN' DEAD........ .."
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?
The nun Replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!
@eve - How'd you like them apples?
@adam - sweet...like u r
@eve - nice snake
@adam - ROGOEL (rolling on garden of eden laughing)
@god - both of u. GTFO!
George dies and goes to hell. He notices one sign that says "Socialist Hell," and another that says "Capitalist Hell." There's a long line waiting for socialist hell, but no one waiting to get into capitalist hell. George asks the guard, "What do they do to you in socialist hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," replies the guard. "And, what do they do to you in capitalist hell?", George asks. "Same thing," says the guard. "So then," asks George, "why is everybody in line for socialist hell?" "Because in socialist hell," the guard explains, "they're always out of oil, whips and racks."
In a train compartment a scruffy, smelly, drunken old man is sitting opposite a priest.
Man turns to the priest and asks in a drunken voice.."hey, how do you get arthritis???"
The priest rather annoyed by all this, replies "well, you get arthritis if you keep drinking, insulting people, never washing and badly behaving.."
The scruffy man puts his head own and says..."ohh dear.."
After a while the priest feels a bit of remorse towards the old man and asks him: "since when you had arthritis?"
The man replies "No, not me. I just read in the paper that the Pope just got it"
After the Ark
After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet.
The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your backside if you get a dodgy one!
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.
The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel.
Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.
Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the 1st five levels of Super Mario.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
Sex on the Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to minister, an experienced married man, for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. 'Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!'
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi speaks softly, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers: "Hello? Yes? yes? yes? just a moment." Putting his hand over the receiver he continues, "God, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again."
God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, "Look, there are millions of people praying right now, and I'm trying to plan Armageddon. Tell him I'm just not available."
"Of course," St Peter replies. Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope:
"She's not available right now."
Religion shouldn't separate people.
A Sure Thing Bet
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my savings."
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it.
She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in an collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the Black Death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with gardening scissors."
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back."
One morning there was a massive earthquake in Liverpool. St. Peter took his place at the Pearly Gates as usual, where he saw a humongous long line of people waiting for him. He learned from the first few that these were all from Liverpool. At first he tried to deal with the vast numbers by himself, but soon became so frustrated that he ran back to God and explained his problem. God told him to be his patient self and deal with individuals as they came to him.
Chastened,St. Peter returned to his post. Soon he came running back to God. "They're gone," he cried, "they're all gone, just disappeared!" God said, "Don't be silly, Peter. How could such a crowd just disappear?" "No," Peter said, "no, not the crowd! The Pearly Gates!"
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
At home with Jesus
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord I Pray For:
A girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
By now irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Getting Into Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." said Saint Peter
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire.
"Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?
Baptist and Methodist
A little boy was walking down a road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning, and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"Me, too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?"
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," said the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back on the top of the hill." replied the little boy.
They discovered they were both going the same way, so they decided to walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so that there was no way they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mum'll skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mum will spank me, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm going to pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," said the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting any of their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun, waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy (staring at her intently) finally remarked, "You know, I never did realise before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!"
LORD, HELP ME....
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties and dancing.
God give me patience and I mean NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I
God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird! --- ing at a time.
God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down and notrush through whatIdo.
More Church Bulletin Bloopers
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
* The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.
* Attend our banquet and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
* 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutch- field and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "you missed the bloody putt, didn't you?"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.He doesn't sleep that night.He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,"We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply,"We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says,"If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply,"You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for:By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk.We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.Finally, the monks say,"This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end.His life's wish is behind the door!He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet. Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him sobbing.
"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.
Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, an-an-and I want to stay with YOU guys!"
In the beginning
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand- Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woma laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man and woman gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories an still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its £1 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "it is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the National Health Service.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....
A Vicar was complaining to the curate about his bicycle being stolen.
"Don't worry" said the Vicar "I have a cunning plan. During my sermon on Sunday I'll read out the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal' I'll pause and look around the congregation. God will give me a sign, and I'll soon know who the thief is"
Sunday came around, and the Vicar raced through the ten commandments without so much as a breath.
After the service, the curate said "I thought you were going to pause at 'thou shalt not steal'?". "I was", said the Vicar, "but when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left me bike ......".
I think that Mrs. Squiffs now believes in the theory of Creation. Praise!
Yesterday afternoon, she walked into the lounge where I was sprawled on the sofa in my underwear, beer in hand, munching Doritos and watching a football match on TV, and after taking in the scene a few moments, she said, "You know, Squiffs, somehow I find it difficult to believe that you're the end product of millions of years of evolution!"
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
Official announcement from the Vatican
After a long and extensive investigation as to why so many Nuns clothing is thread bare and in such poor condition, it has been decided that cigarette and cigar smoking will no longer be allowed by the Wives of Christ.
Nuns cannot seem to smoke and support a Habit.
An American decided to write a book about famous churches of the UK. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous Scottish churches. So he bought a plane ticket and made the trip to St Andrew's Cathedral, thinking that he would work his way down the country.
On his first day he was inside the cathedral taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read " £10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that It was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was Canterbury Cathedral. There, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw at St Andrew's and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
"OK, thank you", said the American.
He then travelled on through the South and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call” sign under it.
With his first chapter going well, he left England and travelled to Wales. Again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over the UK, and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the churches in the UK the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Wales now boyo. It's a local call".
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".
The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"
To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
A drunk stumbled into a Catholic church downtown and sat down in the confessional booth. The priest on the other side waited for him to say something but all was quiet.
The priest wondered what was wrong so he rapped on the wall to get the guys attention. The drunk said, "No use knocking buddy, there aint no paper in here either".
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognise."
A young couple went to look over a new house with the vicar. On returning home they realised they hadn't enquired about the w.c. so they wrote asking for information.
The vicar being ignorant of the w.c. thought they meant Wesleyan Chapel, so you can imagine their surprise when they received the reply, which went like this:-
I regret to inform you that the w.c. is at least 5 miles away from the house. This is unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly. It has been decided to replace the old wooden slates with new plush ones, to ensure greater comfort. The last time my wife went was 12 months ago, and she stood up all the time, but the children sit together throughout the proceedings. For those who have to wait for a long time for proceedings to begin, there are special facilities for the ladies, provided by the vicar, who will give them all the help necessary. Trusting this will be of use to you, and that you will go regularly.
P.S. Hymn sheets can be found behind the door, but these must be replaced after use.
A missionary heads off to darkest Africa to spread the good word. He eventually arrives at a remote village and was invited by the tribal chief to preach a sermon to the villagers. The chief was the only person in the village who could speak English, so he translated the preacher's words for the crowd.
The missionary started off slowly, but he gave the villagers the best opening of any sermon he could muster.
"Umbaala, umbaala" replied the crowd when the chief translated his words.
The missionary then really got into his stride, he was preaching with fire in his eyes and was giving the sermon of his life. As the chief translated each of his sentences the crowd began chanting: "Umbaala, umbaala"
The holy man built up to a big finish and ended his sermon with passion and conviction. When the crowd heard the translation they seemed very excited and kept chanting "Umbaala, umbaala"
After he had finished, the missionary was very pleased with himself and was delighted with the reaction he had got from the villagers.
He asked the chief to direct him back to the road so that he could get in his car and head off to the next village. "No problem", said the chief, "the quick route back to the road is straight across that field."
The missionary looked and saw that the field was full of bulls. He asked the chief: "Is it safe to walk through that field?"
"Yes", replied the chief "the bulls are very friendly, just be careful not to step in any umbaala"
Morris was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Morris gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Morris goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put it in a teacup?"
"Oh no!" says the barman, "It's not that Nun again, is it?"
A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor."
The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell are you talking about?!?!? It was the Japanese the bombed Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!"
The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"
A little while later, the Korean man says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic." The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are you talking about? The Jews didn't have anything to do with that! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"
The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, what's the difference?"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
St Mark is walking around Jerusalem and her hears Mark, Mark.
A priest was walking along a beautiful beach when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "Man helping his fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ice Cream and Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created fast food and double cheeseburgers. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And big size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created private health plans.
A man went out shopping for his wife to get her a new bra. He went to a fashionable store in London. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
She replied, "They make mountains out of molehills."
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month". The couple agreed but after two and a half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult ....However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church", stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head ........ "We're not welcome at Tesco's anymore, either."
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Once this cowboy went to church, but he and the minister were the only ones there that Sunday. The minister said: "Well, there are not enough people here for me to preach a sermon today."
The cowboy said, "That's not right. Sometimes in the winter I go out with the wagon to feed the starving cows and if I find only one, I don't turn around and not feed him."
So the minister, feeling ashamed, preached to the lone cowboy for four hours. Finally when they were leaving the minister asked the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy said: "Fine, minister but it was much too long."
The minister said: "But you said that if you only find one cow, you feed it and don't just drive away."
The cowboy said, "Yes, parson -- but I don't dump the whole load on him."
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic "Life of Brian" wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Noah's Ark Game
Can you do it?
An elderly man walks into a confessional and starts to recount a tale.
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren," says the man. "But yesterday, I picked up two 21-year-old girls, who were hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel where I made love to each of them three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?" the priest asks.
"What sins?" replies the man.
"What kind of a Catholic are you?" says the priest, clearly shocked by the man's lack of shame.
"I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish." the man replies calmly.
"Well why on earth are you telling me all this?" asks the priest getting impatient.
The man responds "Father... I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
Thank God for CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park = across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house" The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
How the Media Will Announce the End of the World
The Wall Street Journal:
Microsoft Systems Journal:
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
Lady's Home Journal:
Microsoft's Web Site:
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence
Adam asks God, "How come all the animals have both males and females, yet I am alone upon this earth?" And God replies, "I have saved the best for last. For you I have planed Woman. She will cook for you, clean for you, take care of your every need. Your life will be sheer pleasure."
"Sounds great!", says Adam. "What will it cost me?"
"An arm, A leg, and your left eye"
Adam gets a bit worried. "That sounds like an awfully high price to pay. What can I get for just a rib?..."
A man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the Commandment 'Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?"
Man: "No, the one about "Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's wife. As soon as you said that, I remember where I left my hat."
Squiffy Goes To Confessional
Squiffy went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, he said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
Squiffy said, "Last night my neighbour, who just loves my accent, came over while my wife was at the cinema with her mother and made me make mad, passionate love to her seven times, each time in a different language."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
Squiffy asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
New Jewish Friends
A Methodist minister meets three Jewish people at his Parish Council meeting. He, of course, invites them to come to his church some Sunday and meet his congregation..
Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they all show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs.
When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Jewish people enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, " Please get three chairs for my new Jewish friends in the back."
The usher leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Jewish friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking so slowly and distinctly. " Three chairs. For the Jews, " he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Jews!"
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle- aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on...!"
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. . . . . . . ."
New Church Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
Our brave and some what sexist astronaut went up into space on what was to be the last solo trip by Nasa.
When he came down he began talking to himself and was not the same person who left. His friends began to worry and as time went on one of them decided to have a talk with him.
'John' the friend asked, 'what happened up there'.
'I saw God' was John's reply.
'Thats great' his friend replied. 'What was he like'?
John moved in close to his friend and spoke quite softly.
Q: What's the worst part of being an atheist?
A: Nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
Good News, Bad News
Here is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase:
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying:
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless Gay people.
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with:
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
The New Dress
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! You tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."
"Actually, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
Married In Heaven
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
The Bishop came to our church today.
Turned out he was a imposter.
Never once moved diagonally!
I think that Mrs. Squiffs now believes in the theory of Creation. Praise! Yesterday afternoon, she walked into the lounge where I was sprawled on the sofa in my underwear, beer in hand, munching Doritos and watching a football match on TV, and after taking in the scene a few moments, she said, "You know, Squiffy, somehow I find it difficult to believe that you're the end product of millions of years of evolution!"
Before The Big Bang
Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.
The sound is proving difficult to decipher, but they have narrowed it down to either "Oops!!!" or "Uh Ohh!!!"
Nescafe And The Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you.Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.
" Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance.For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible.For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer! We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.
"Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals."There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news.....
The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal" "We're losing the Hovis Account".
A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?"Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"
God answers all prayers. It's just that sometimes, the answer is "No!"
Should I Be Concerned?
Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was "This is the Gate of Heaven."
Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read "Use Other Entrance..."
Two ministers were discussing immorality when one of them said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. How about you?" The other one replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do you think I should do?"
He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.
When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".
Mother Superior Is Dying
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Poland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
A new vicar had moved into town and was making his first house visits in the parish. All was going well until he knowked at one house, although it was obvious someone was at home, noone answered the door. After knocking a few times with no success he took out a card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3.20", and dropped it through the letterbox.
Revelation 3.20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come to him, and will dine with him, and he with me".
The next sunday after the service the vicar was counting the collection plate and noticed that a card with "Genesis 3.10" written on it had been dropped in the plate.
Genesis 3.10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked".
The Christian Missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo.
The missionary asked the chief, "Do you people know anything about religion?"
After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here..."
Despite the prohibition of gambling in New York, 4 men were caught with cards in their hands and money on the table. Three of them were priests and one was a Rabbi.
The police inspector asked the three priests seperately if they were gambling and they all denied it - he believed tham since they were men of the cloth. But he was determined to get the Rabbi, so he turned to him and said,
“It must be you who was gambling then!”
The Rabbi replied, “But my friend, who with?”
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Barbara." on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
So Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
He: "Sister, I want to show you something."
She: "What is it, Father?
He: "Come into my private room & close the blinds." She: "WHAT?!"
He: "I said....."
She: "I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
He: "Well, I really need you to come in." Curious, the nun does as she is told.
He: "Here, sit on the bed beside me."
She: "I have to get out of here."
He: "Aren't you the least bit curious?" Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him. "Get under the covers."
She: "WHAT?????!!!!!" The nun was really freaking out.
He: "It doesn't work otherwise!" says the priest. After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him. "Come closer," whispers the priest. Nervously, she does get closer.
He: "See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed.
"When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."