'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

My best bottle I'd hidden
Near the chimney with care
Had been found by some drunk
Who drank it right there

All our buddies and pals
Had been poured in their beds
To awake the next morning
With hungover heads

My lips dry as hell
Up and down they did flap
I thought It'd be swell
To have one more nightcap

And then from the roof
I heard such a yell
We all sprang to our feet
To see what had befell

And what to my bloodshot eyes
Did I see
But eight staggering reindeer
Caught up a tree

Way up in the branches
Was a man in a sleigh
I knew it was Santa
Quite fat and quite gay

Nearer and nearer
Those eight reindeer came
While old Santa hiccuped
And called them by name

On Whiskey! On Bourbon!
We ain't got all night
You too Gin and Vodka
Let's all do it right!

Jump uo on the roof
Get the hell out this tree
Start moving you rummies
I'll help you get free

So up on the roof
Went the reindeer and sleigh
But a tree branch hit Santa
Oh, how his body did sway!

And then to my ears
Like the roll of a barrel
A shrill of a noise
Like no Christmas Carol

So I lifted my head
And sharpened my ear
Down the chimney he plunged
Landing smack on his rear

His suit was all red
With white fur for a trim
The way that he staggered
He was tanked up to the brim

Although he was tight
And tried to stand right
He didn't fool me
He was high as a kite

He spoke not a word
And got straight to his job
But he missed half the stockings
That plastered old slob

Then thumbing his hand
To the tip of his nose
He wiggled his fingers
As he quoted some prose

He jumped for his sleigh
At so hasty a pace
That he tripped on a roof tile
And fell flat on his face

And I heard him belch back
As he passed out of sight
MERRY CHRISTMAS you lushers
Now really get tight!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse;
The stockings weren't hung yet, as they were still where
I was frantically stitching them, pulling my hair;

Quite unlike my children, each snug in a bed,
While visions of mattresses danced in my head,
In my sweat pants and T-shirt and old baseball cap,
Drinking triple espressos, no time for a nap;

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over the tote bag, then threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the look of metallics to objects below,
When, what to my sleep deprived eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
Gliding like silk thread his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As floss scraps that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

Then, losing my needle, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I let my thread fall, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
I snatched up my stitching and flung it far back,
For fear of the soot on his clothes and his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

He looked like the chart I had bought for the reason
Of stitching it up for the holiday season.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
To fill all the stockings, but turned with a jerk.
"And where are the stockings?" He looked down his nose.
I handed them over, and blushed like a rose.

He finished his work, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Get done early next year, don't wait 'til the last night!"

A Hacker's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a computer was stirring, not even a mouse.
The hard drives were left on in each computer case
With a database for Santa, punched up in dBase.

The hackers were all snug asleep in their beds,
While visions of access codes danced in their heads.
And I with my PC and Ma with her Mac,
Had settled in for a long winter's nap.

When up from my modem there arose such a squeal,
I jumped from my bed and said, "What's the deal!!?!?"
To my computer I tore like a flash,
Hoping I wasn't suffering a Christmas Eve Crash.

A flashing green light on the front of my case,
Showed late-night activity (I hope not erase).
I turned on my monitor and what did appear,
But a .GIF old sleigh and eight blinking reindeer.

On a flashing bright icon I made a quick click,
And sure enough who appeared, but good old Saint Nick.
At 9600 baud the images they came,
As he loaded them up, he called them by name.

"Load Windows and Lotus, Prodigy and Quicken,
Add brand new DOS upgrades, and games for the children.
To the old root directory, to make room for them all,
How about a new hard drive, this one's all full!

As I watched as he worked through the database with care,
Checking the gift list we had left there.
He searched into his bag and pulled out with aplomb,
Bright shiny new discs for the new CD-ROM.
A brand new fax-modem (well, who asked for that!?!?),
Bundles of SIMMS, co-processors galore,
From one board to another, he filled up each hole.
And when he was finished, the tower cases were full,
With fun new software, just ready to install.

Then lining the cursor alongside of his nose,
Out of my new SVGA, up slowly he rose.
He jumped out of DOSSHELL, my SoundBlaster did sound,
As the TSR fell away, 'til next Christmas comes around.

Then I heard him exclaim as he up-loaded from sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good byte!!

Twas the night before Christmas,
In England, you know,
the planned tube strike went ahead,
the streets full of snow.

Asleep in their terrace house,
were Charles and Jane,
Dreaming of Christmas dinner
And the weight they would gain.

Not stockings but polished shoes,
At the foot of their beds,
For this was Old Blighty,
What more need be said?

When all of a sudden,
From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus,
It gave Charles such a fright!

And he saw 'cross the Thames,
Like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up red double decker bus,
Come on at a run.

The driver was shouting,
as he drove passed Big Ben,
"Tally Ho, 'Allo Guvna,
What's all this then?"

The driver, in a tux,
And a cummerbund bright red,
Had a matching top hat,
On the top of his head.

As he stepped from the bus,
He was really a sight,
Big fat and round,
His beard curly and white.

He burst into the house,
And the children awoke,
They were both so astonished,
That neither one spoke.

He filled up their polished shoes
With presents galore,
And neither could think
Of a single thing more.

Charles speaking, indirectly,
The way Brits do that's so silly,
Said "Rather sir, I must say, you do look remarkably similar to this
chappie reported to be going around the place on nights such as these
sending out presents willy nilly."

"Well, maybe I am he"
Said the fellow with a wink
And he smiled as he gave
His mysterious wink

Then he left in his bus,
pausing to say,
An old English rhyme,
passed down through his day:

"Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat.
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny, then God bless you."

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat-
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact.

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night,it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefull went, though I suppose

There's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!