United States of America
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Final notice to the citizens of America In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 5th will be celebrated instead. You will henceforth resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. You need not worry about the value of the dollar too much longer. As of April 1 you will be using the British pound Sterling. Petrol is now only £5 a gallon. See, better already. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup (which you will henceforth call ketchup) but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the Welsh and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash the English. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An tax collector from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. You will find these much friendlier than internal revenue agents. At first. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with cucumber sandwiches, high quality biscuits (you once referred to these as cookies, we believe) and cakes; strawberries in season. God save the Queen.
Two Cajuns Two Cajuns, Rober' and Maurice, decided that hunting possums had gotten too dull, so they planned a trip to Canada to shoot moose. They flew in commercial planes all the way to Saskatoon, and from there, they hired a bush pilot to take them in a little plane into moose country. The pilot put them down in a short little airstrip about 200 kms from nowhere. "Boys," he said, "I'll be back here at noon in three days. You be right here, and remember that this plane is too small to carry more than the three of us and ONE moose. So, there's no need to hunting more than ONE moose, because you won't be able to take but one out of here." Robert and Maurice nodded agreement, and off the plane went, leaving the two Cajuns in the wilderness, eager for their hunting expedition. On the third day, the plane landed at 11:55 local time, and there beside the airstrip were Robert and Maurice, each sitting on a moose, grinning broadly. "OK," said the pilot, "which moose are we going to take back?" "Why, both of them," said Rober', "we got to take these meese back to show that we are both as good as the other." "No, no, NO," said the pilot, "I told you that the plane could bring back only ONE moose." "What's the matter?" asked Maurice, "ain't yo' plane good enough to carry one little ol' extra moose? We got two meese on a plane just like this one last year." "OK," agrees the pilot, "ain't nobody going to out-fly me around here. If you got two moose on that plane, you can get two moose on my plane." So, they load up, take off, and the plane, as predicted, can't handle the extra load, and they CRASH. The two Cajuns wake up in adjacent tree tops, and Rober' asks, "Where ARE we?" Maurice reponds, "About 100 yards further that we were last year!"
Bill, Hillary and George W. Bill, Hillary and George W Bush die and are brought before God. God looks at Bush and asks, "Who are you?" Bush replies, "I'm George W Bush, president of he United States." God thinks, nods his head and says, "Then you can sit in this chair to my right." God then looks at Bill and asks, "Who are you?" Bill says, "Why I'm Bill Clinton, past president of the United States." God thinks, nods his head and says, "Then you can sit in this chair to my left." God then looks at Hillary and asks, "Who are you?" Hillary replies, "I'm Hillary Clinton, and I believe you're in my seat."
Opps Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the Agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy..." Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @# $!&&&&&&&&*%$**!!!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch."
Charmed Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. " Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" asked the first woman. The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
Mere Coincidence or ? Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed an unidentified object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well-known incident many say has long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This information may clear up a lot of questions.
March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping the garden and having the pool cleaned today?"
Why? Why don't Americans have a sense of humour? Because they think irony is the same as silvery or coppery.
Red Neck Jury Fixing A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. "I should get more," the crooker juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them." "They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother. "Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."
Illegal Cock Fights The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began. "Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked. Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia." Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?" "Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in de fight." The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck." "Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won."
Neighbours A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighbouring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked. "No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?" "No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa." "How about your brother, Joe, is he here?" "He went with ma and pa." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
Blood On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."
Hillary Poll The Democratic National Committee is currently polling Americans through the internet to determine the electability of Hillary Clinton for the presidency of the United States in 2008. If you would like to show your support for Hillary and encourage her to run for President of the United States in 2008 please add your name to the bottom of the list below and send it on.
1.
Promo A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rIgged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours
Briefing the President Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
American Ski-Jumping This young american guy is out on his first skiing holiday and decides he wants to have a go at the ski jump. So off he goes to the first one he can find, and asks how much. "£100 to Americans but only £25 to anyone else", he's told "I'm not paying that, that's discrimination" he said (ed note. big word there). So off trots our hero (?) to the next ski slope and is told the price is £10 per person except Americans who are charged £150. The guy is pretty pissed off, leaves and travels to the third, expecting the same but determined to have one last go at finding a non-discriminating slope. He gets to the slope and it told it will cost him only £5 but everyone else £250. "Hotdigitydog this can't be bad" the young American thought. So he gets into all his gear, climbs to the top of the slope and pushes off. The wind is whipping in his hair as he thunders down the slope, gaining in speed all the time. He flies off the end of the slope only to hear somebody yell 'PULL'
Bush and Bin Laden Yesterday President Bush vowed to hunt down and find Osama bin Laden. He would have started looking earlier, but he's only just finished counting to 100.
Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
LATE-NIGHT US JOKES ABOUT HIGH GAS (PETROL FOR THE CIVILISED :O) PRICES "The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." - David Letterman "Republicans in Congress are now demanding that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaged in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating oil companies ... that's like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety." - Jay Leno "President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." - Jay Leno "There was a sign at the station near by my house that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express." - Jay Leno "Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." - Jay Leno "President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." - Jay Leno "I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." - Jay Leno "To give you an idea about how expensive gas is, this morning I carpooled in with Letterman." --Jay Leno "President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." - Jay Leno "On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." - Jay Leno "The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" - Dennis Miller
Iranian Ambassador The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador John Bolton. They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America." Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese,but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek." Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Bubba At the police station, Bubba explained to the sheriff why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "we was havin' a good time drinkin', when my cousin Kevin picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do you fellas wanna go hunting?'" "Then what happened?" the sheriff interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Where you from?
You live in Arizona when...
You Live in California when...
You Live in New York City when...
You Live in Maine when...
You Live in the Deep South when...
You live in Colorado when...
You live in the Midwest when...
You live in Florida when...
Spies Two al Qaeda spies meet in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers, "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
Redneck Advice Two Rednecks are sittin' in a boat on the lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Woody says, "I think I'm goin' to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months." Bubba slowly sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."
Drinking An American walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the American's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the American on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The American says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the American sits in amazement. The American gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
US tackles Bird Flu Today George Bush took the decision to act decisively on Bird Flu, he has bombed the Canary Islands!
Why the U.S. is in trouble A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble! 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
A young American was enjoying his first night in Rome, drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
All in the language
If a person who speaks three languages is called "tri-lingual," and a person who speaks two languages is called "bi-lingual." "American."
Things Americans Say
1. On a flight from the US:
2. In a security queue at an airport:
3. On a flight to Europe:
4. In a currency exchange queue:
5. In a queue boarding a flight to Amsterdam: And so on. My own favourite is the person who asked me, when he saw my PC screensaver that included a picture of an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus with hieroglyphics on the front : "do they still use that kind of writing in Egypt now?" But none of these can match up to the example that I saw in a magazine some time ago, of a conversation overheard at Niagara falls:
American 1 : "Apparently the falls used to be further up the river" Note : if you need any explanation for any of this, your flight to Iowa leaves in 15 minutes.
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?" "I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, back at his hotel, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his new friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
To the citizens of the United States of America : In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation.
The 51st State DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA To the imperialist British colonizers. In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you'd have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad". 2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers. 3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes. 4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'. 5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop *****ing about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time. 6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw. 7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers". 8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting". 9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas. 10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. 11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions. 12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting). Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and she'd been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head… A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is blonde.
A photographer for a national American magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Only in America..........
DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "BRITISH" George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti- depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British. Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams. "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place." Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons grade amphetamine", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really". It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist. Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment". "I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, giving her an understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all." Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
Meanwhile in Iraq A Marine squad was marching north of somewhere when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. First aid was given to both men and the Marine was asked what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway and coming south was the insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover." "What happened then?" "We tried to draw each other out of cover. I yelled at him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scum bag, and he yelled back that George Bush was a spoiled-rotten, good-for-nothing moron." "We were standing there shaking hands when a bus hit us."
The Iraq Song Sung to the tune: "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
Go to www.google.com
Dear Mr. and Mrs. G.H.W. Bush, Once again, it is that time of year when we update the parents of our students on their child's progress, and we regret to inform you that your son, Georgie, is not doing as well as we'd hoped and expected when he embarked on his four-year program at our school. As you are well aware, Georgie was installed as class president at the start of the school year, despite the fact that the majority of his fellow students did not vote for him. We foresaw problems immediately, but were assured by several school board members (who, as we understand it, are friends of your family) that this would not result in any real difficulty. Unfortunately, they have been proven wrong. In the area of scholastic achievement, despite our best efforts, Georgie is still reading and speaking at a grade level far below our usual standards. At this point, we are not sure if his failure to learn is due to laziness and a lack of ability to apply himself to his studies, or if he simply lacks the intellectual capacity to improve in these areas. His oral presentations to the class are particularly troubling; it is apparent that Georgie has not read the necessary materials, and he often simply fabricates facts to hide this shortcoming. In oral exams, he tends to repeat the same answers over and over, e.g. "The economy is good; jobs are on their way," indicating a profound failure to keep up with the Current Events portion of the curriculum. Georgie also tends to fabricate elaborate stories about himself - which, admittedly, can sometimes be very amusing. During a school celebration last May, he delighted his fellow students by coming to class in a little "flight suit" (just like the grown-ups wear!), and had everyone in stitches with his story about the family dog having eaten his report card from military pre-school! On the whole, however, Georgie does not play well with other children. His "leadership" in the classroom continues to divide many students, one against the other. Other study groups, such as our French and German-language classes, are no longer willing to cooperate with Georgie's group, even though they have traditionally done so in the past. Your son also displays a lack of taking responsibility for his failings, and seems unable to appreciate the consequences of his actions. Although he was provided with the best textbooks on the subjects of the Economy, Job Creation, The Environment, et cetera, these books were damaged or completely destroyed within a matter of months. Georgie insists that he "inherited" these books in poor condition, despite all evidence to the contrary. (In fact, these same textbooks were previously used by one of our very best students, who actually returned them in better condition than he found them!) During his first few weeks with us, Georgie quickly became part of a group of other "problem students." Despite warnings, he has consistently befriended children whom we consider to be "bad elements," such as Little Kenny Lay and a foreign-exchange student named Chalabi. Both of these youngsters have been expelled from other schools due to their involvement in cheating other students out of their lunch money. We feel that these kinds of relationships can only lead to no good, and hope that you will advise your child accordingly. Georgie often displays aggressive behavior in the schoolyard, and recently assaulted a student in another school district, completely unprovoked. When asked about this incident, Georgie insisted that the other child was armed and dangerous. When investigation into the matter proved otherwise, Georgie changed his story several times: he was just trying to "democratize" the other child, the other child's school was harboring gang members, and so on. Quite frankly, his story on this topic has so changed from week to week, we simply can't trust his word at all anymore. Georgie's friends, while not great in number, are very loyal, but tend to be over-protective. If any of the other students point out Georgie's failing grades, these friends simply shout them down and tell them not to speak at all. When Georgie was summoned to the principal's office several weeks ago, he insisted that his "best friend" come with him. We feel that it is in Georgie's best interest to learn to stand up for himself; failure to do so could seriously damage his ability to handle a leadership role in his adult years. As you are aware, final exams will be held in November, and Georgie's past performance leads us to conclude that he will not be able to achieve the grades necessary to continue on with another four-year term at our institution. Yours Truly, Ms. J.Q. Public, Assistant Principal
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages..... English: I Love You Spanish: Te Amo French: Je T'aime German: lch Liebe Dich Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu Italian: Ti Amo Chinese: Wo Ai Ni Swedish: Jag Alskar Alabama,Arkansas. Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida: Nice Ass, Get in the truck
Test whether you are an American or not! Questionnaire: 1. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea. 2. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly. 3. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball. 4. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still
alive. 5. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses. 6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office. 7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass. 8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted. 9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt. 10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner. Answers... If you answered: Mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual. Mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.
Never choke in a restaurant in the South.... Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While they are downing their shots of Jack Daniels, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich begins to choke. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman, turning blue, shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heer'd of that there Hind Lick MANEUVER', but I ain't never see'd nobody do it 'til now."
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown. "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it." "Try further down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Thanks!" she cried. "But never mind that! Just get the necklace."
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