Wales
 Last Night I was out clubbing with some mates last night. Pulled this Welsh girl in one of the bars. 5'7", blonde, body and face of a model, and a great rack. Eventually, we went back to mine, had a drink, and then went to bed. As I was undressing her, I undid her bra to discover it was almost completely filled with toilet paper. This morning, I was so disappointed with myself. What was I doing? I mean, Welsh!
Welsh Rugby Fan A Welsh rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical welsh baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Wales ... like I said, my boy's a typical welsh baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical welsh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Welshman takes a slow swig of his Brains dark, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'
Welsh Inflation Did you hear the price of lamb in wales has just gone up? It's now £4.95 per hour.
English ventriloquist is visiting Wales,he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "Alright mate? Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?" Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk, you fool." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Welshman: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Welshman: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welshman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Welshman) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Welshman: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Welshman: "Before you start, The sheep's a bloody liar!"
Two American tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The waitress leaned over and said,"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."
Dai, who had just turned 20, one day informed his father that he wanted to marry Mari the girl next door. "I'm sorry, boyo," said his father, "but you can't marry her, you see as it happens she's your sister." Dai was downcast but within a week he came back to see his father again. "Dad", he said, "I've made up my mind to marry Morfydd." "Isn't that the girl behind the counter in Morgan's dairy?" asked his father . . . and it turned out she was his sister too. Gradually one after another the girls of the village were excluded from matrimonial alliance with Dai on the grounds of consanguinity until none was left. One evening after the last girl had fallen under his father's interdict Dai was sitting in the front room looking sadly at the grate. "What's wrong with you, Dai?" asked his mother, "girl trouble is it?" "Yes, Mam," Dai replied, "every time I want to marry a girl, father makes out she's my sister." "Oh, don't listen to that old fool", said his mother, "he's no relation of yours anyway."
A diminutive Welshman was up before the magistrates in London charged with a sexual assault on a much larger Australian female. The magistrates were baffled as to how he had managed it and closely questioned the policeman who had arrested him. "How on earth did he do it, officer?" "He used a bucket, sir." "You mean he stood on it?" "No, sir, he put it over her head and swung from the handle."
An Englishman on holiday in Penmaenmawr was told that the chapel had driven all the loose women out of the village, but that they still operated in caves up in the mountain at the back. "It's very simple", said his Welsh informant, "you go up there and shout yoo-hoo-hoo outside the cave. If there is no answer then she is busy, but if she shouts yoo-hoo-hoo back, you go in and negotiate." That evening the Englishman climbed up to the cave and shouted but there was no reply so he decided to go back to the pub. On the way back he came across another big cave at the foot of the mountain so he went to the entrance and shouted yoo-hoo-hoo as loud as he could. Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo-oo-oo-oo replied the cave. Full of excitement, the Englishman rushed into the dark entrance and was run over by the express train for Holyhead.
Have you heard about the latest machine on the pier at Llandudno? You put ten pence in and ask it any question and it gives you a true answer. One holiday maker from Cardiff tried it last week. He asked the machine "Where is my father?" The machine replied: "Your father is fishing in South Wales." Well, he thought, that's daft for a start because my father is dead. "Where is my mother's husband?" Back came the reply, "Your mother's husband is buried in Cardiff but your father is still fishing in South Wales."
One night torrential rain soaked South Wales , the next morning the resulting flood waters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there . Mrs Roberts was sitting on her roof with her neighbour,Mrs. Davies, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Davies noticed a lone cap floating near the house . Then she saw it float far out into the yard ,then float all the way back to the house , it kept floating away from the house and then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her ,so she asked Mrs. Roberts, " Do you see that cap floating away from the house and then back again ?" Mrs. Roberts said , "Oh yes , that's my husband , I told him he was going to cut the grass today come hell or high water !!!"
Mrs. Evans pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the front room, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Mefanwe, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Evans, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?" "Why, no. Is she up to anything special?" Mrs. Evans leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She's started knitting tiny garments!" Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she's taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
There was an international rugby match between Wales and England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. All seats had been sold well in advance. Dai Davies couldn’t understand why there was an empty seat next to Iolo Jones. “The seat belongs to Mrs. Jones,” explained Iolo. “But couldn’t your wife come to the game?” asked Dai. “No, she couldn’t. She died last week.” “I’m sorry,” Dai said “but wouldn’t one of your friends have liked her seat?” “Oh, no,” said Iolo. “All my dear friends are at her funeral today.”
Two Welshmen are sitting on a park bench reading newspapers.
One for the Welsh Did you hear about the man that was attacked by a sheep? He was badly grazed..................
A little old lady, visiting the seaside at Conwy for the first time, saw some men preparing to go fishing, collecting their baskets and nets. She said to one of them: "What are those things?" He said "Lobster pots." She said "Go on, you'll never train them to sit on those things!"
Welsh Language I think its absolutely brilliant that people in Wales are resurrecting the old language of their fathers, using it to communicate almost as a first language to retain some type of identity and solidarity amongst each other. It also means us normal folk don't have to bother talking to them..............
 Welsh People Why do they bury Welsh people 20 feet down? Because deep down they are really nice!!
Missing Spy The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Evans and that he's somewhere in Wales. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'" So the spy hunter goes to Wales and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the barman, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Evans." The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Evans. There's Evans the Baker, who runs the bakers shop on the next block. There's Evans the Banker, who's manager of our local bank. There's Evans the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Evans, too." Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the barman, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning." The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Evans the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left."
The Potrait At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". After the curator left, an Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple. "Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
 Authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of The Sun... I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?
Two tourists walked into a working mens club in Wales, deep in the heart of the coal mining valleys. (They must have been lost). After paying visitors dues at the front door (This is true...it happened to me) they went and sat in a dark corner near the pool table. They were then moved by one of the locals as that corner was old Toms seat. Anyway, there they were merrily sipping their pints (only one pound each at my local working mens club) when they noticed a huge giant of a man shamble in and order a pint. Everyone else in the club made way for him and offered him drinks, fags and crisps. Our two tourists began to smile, then giggle, then laugh out loud; Dai, for that was his name, had a totally flat head and while his left ear was a decent man sized ear, his right ear was the size of two cauliflowers. Pretty soon Old Tom in the dark corner overheard our intrepid tourists laughing, stood up and came across to the tourists towering over them (ex Prop forward) with his snarling collie at his side and said 'I hope you are not laughing at our Dai, because our Dai is the bravest man there is in the Valleys' Our intrepid tourists now felt thoughly deflated and terrified. The bravest one asked Old Tom what deeds Dai had done to deserve his title. Old Tom allowed them to buy him a pint and told them the story of the pit explosion, and the flooding tunnel, and how Dai held up the tunnel roof with his head while everyone else escaped, then the roof collapsing just as he was dragged clear. The tourists could see now how his head happened to be flat. 'But how come his ear is the size of two cauliflowers?' the brave tourists asked. 'Oh thats easy' said Old Tom, 'Thats where we hit him with the hammer when we were wedging him in'.
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!" The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer. "Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Sheep crappio yn y dwr!" Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Dim drinkio!" "I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent; "Oh I see, you're English" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get a lot more in..."
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