 You know you work in the 00's if... You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. Your CV is on a CD in your pocket. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You learn about your redundancy on the Sky News Website. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Communication is something your group is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. You're already late on the assignment you just got. You work 200 hours for the £100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" Dilbert cartoons hang outside every office. Your boss' favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your office. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. You read this entire list and understood it.
Rules for the Project Manager Strive to look tremendously important. Attempt to be seen with important people. Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts. Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on - then quickly change the subject. Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it. If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight. Walk at a fast pace when out of the office - this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum. Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbour File."
 To all secretaries out there [and managers] Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their Diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said theHuman Resources Rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but DO NOT eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries as disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!
House Clearing Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
 The Snake And The Rabbit Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management"
Department Rounders An interoffice rounders game was held every summer between the marketing department and the IT support staff of a company. Last year the support staff soundly whipped the marketing department. But to show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2006 Rounders Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. IT Support, however, had a rather dismal season, as they managed to only win one."
How to stop your employees smoking
Blonde An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde 's wife said, "Don't look at me! He makes his own lunch!"
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sexual favours." Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Staple pages in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. TYPE IN UPPERCASE. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Ask people what gender they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. Bullish or Bearish? The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Blanton is on another line." "This is Mr. Wellington's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now." "Well," the secretary replied, "He's talking to his wife,so I'd say he's mostly sheepish at the moment."
Rules Of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.
Is Your Company Hiring People? Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with a window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks.
If they are recounting them.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
If they are sleeping.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
If they are sitting idle.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
been moved.
If they have already left for the day.
If they are staring out of the window. And then last but not least ....
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Merger Officials from Federal Express and from United Parcel Service earlier today announced a corporate merger of the two package delivery firms. The newly formed company will be called FedUp.
Respiratory Safety Policy In line with the new breed of nanny H&S Policies, here is the logical extension: The Company has compiled this policy as a means of highlighting and reducing risks to employees during their general business and domestic activities.
RISK ASSESSMENT RISK ASSESSMENT
NATURE OF WORK:
NATURE OF THE HAZARDS:
PROCEDURES TO MINIMISE RISKS:
HAZARDS: Carbon dioxide is known greenhouse gas and expiration is a proven source of CO2. Indeed 5% of every expired breath is CO2. The company is required to by government to reduce ‘Greenhouse Gas’ emissions by 20% by 2010 and as a result, expiration of CO2 is no longer permitted. Pathogens: Inspiration is an established cause of infection of the upper respiratory tract by known pathogens. Upper Respiratory Tract Infections are known to cause loss of work performance and even extended sick leave in the case ‘Near Terminal Male Flu’. Employees believed to have been breathing in the presence of such pathogens will be considered to have self inflicted their disease state and will no longer be eligible for sick pay. Life. Life is a known cause of death with a near 100% mortality rate. The company has a legal obligation to protect it’s employees from risk of death, therefore Life is no longer permitted.
NASA RESEARCH ANNOUNCES DISCOVERY OF A NEW ELEMENT The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by Nasa Research physisists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 asistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Adimnistratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganisation. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Company Policy Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result -- all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins
Out of the Office For all you people who need to notify others that you are away from the office... you might like to use one of these in future! 1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request. 2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8. I've run away to join a different circus. 9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Martha' instead of 'Martin'.
"The Ten Commandments Of Employment
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
WORK POLICIES Government Worker Why is a government worker like a broken shotgun? - It won't work and you can't fire it.
Employee Of The Month
Company policy Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result -- all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins........
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND THE BOSS
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When you're on a day off sick, you're *always* sick.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
Road Crash There was this chap who was driving along the motorway when his MD called him and said "You've been promoted - you're now an assistant manager". He was only a few miles further down the road when his MD called again and said "I've just heard your new manager has died in a 'plane crash - so we're promoting you again, you're now a full manager." The chap was so startled with this that he swerved a bit but kept control. A bit further along, he had another telephone: "I've just heard that not only your new manager died in the crash, but his boss too: so we'll promote you again to Group Manager". At this the chap was so fazed, he swerved right off the road into a tree. The police came and asked what happened. "Don't worry," he said, "I careered off the road". A bit further along, he had another telephone: "I've just heard that not only your new manager died in the crash, but his boss too: so we'll promote you again to Group Manager". At this the chap was so fazed, he swerved right off the road into a tree. The police came and asked what happened. "Don't worry," he said, "I careered off the road".
Rules for the Boss Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I am not here for the money.
Managers vs Engineers A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
Once upon a time.... Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me. So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls..... I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
The Terrible Parable
In the beginning was the Plan
And the Supervisors went unto their Section Heads and sayeth,
And the Section Heads went unto their Department Heads
And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them,
And the Managers went unto the Vice President saying:
And the Vice President went unto the CEO and sayeth unto him,
And the CEO went unto the Board of Directors and sayeth unto them, and saw that it was Good. And the Plan became Policy.
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. -- Casey Stengal
Lost Balloonist A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
New Employee One morning, the manager of a large company noticed a new employee and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked. “John,” the new employee replied. The manager scowled. “Look, I don’t call anyone by their first name. It leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only— Smith, Jones, Rogers—that’s all. Now that we have that straight, what is your last name?” The new employee sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” The owner looked at him for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”
The Wolf Man The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
Frankfurt Airport The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Junior Executive The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket.
Useful Things For A Business Meeting "A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem." "Always have a quotation for everything - it saves original thinking." "I like talking to a brick wall, it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me." "That's the trouble with managers who have nothing interesting to think about; they talk."
The following were actual quotes taken from Performance Appraisal evaluations of federal employees. 1 Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig. 2 I would not allow this employee to breed. 3 This employee is not so much of a has been but more, a definite won't be. 4 Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 6 He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 8 He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 9 This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 10 This employee should go far and the sooner he starts the better. 11 Got a full 6 pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 12 A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 13 He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier. 14 I would like to go hunting with him sometime. . 15 He has been working with glue too much. 16 He would argue with a signpost. 17 He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room. 18 When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 19 If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he is the other one. 20 A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 21 A prime candidate for deselection. 22 Has donated his brain to science before he has finished using it. 23 Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 24 He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25 If he were any more stupid he would have to be watered twice a week. 26 If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change. 27 If you stand too close to him you can hear the ocean. 28 It's hard to believe he beat 1,000,000 other sperm. 29 One neuron short of a synapse. 30 Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled. 31 It takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes. 32 The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
The Race The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganised. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
The passengers are sitting in an airplane waiting for it to lift off. After a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and the passengers noticed something wrong and begin panicking. As the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the blind copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the blind pilot, “You know, one of these days, the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re gonna die.”
Three Envelopes A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Management Training Ted, the junior office manager and clay pigeon shooter, walks into a cafe with his shooter in one hand and a bucket of pigeon droppings in the other. He says to the waiter, "Get me a coffee Sam." Sam says, "Sure Ted, coming right up." He gets Ted a tall mug of coffee, and Ted drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of pigeon manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the gun, then just walks out. The next morning Ted returns. He has his gun in one hand and a bucket of pigeon droppings in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Get me a coffee Sam" The waiter says, "Whoa, Ted! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
Ted smiles and proudly says,
BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS
======================
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Seen on a hall wall at NASA's Jet Propulsion Labs:
we have your
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED:
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
DUTIES WILL VARY:
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
CAREER-MINDED:
APPLY IN PERSON:
NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I AM ON THE GO:
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
1 Exaltation
2 Disenchantment
3 Confusion
4 Search for the Guilty
5 Punishment of the Innocent
6 Distinction for the Uninvolved
"Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.
"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'
"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'
"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'
"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.
"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"He's an unbelievable worker."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible."
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists
at the Naval Research Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally occur in less
than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after
such reorganisation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the
newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration, can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed
to accumulate, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels
of exposure. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element,
TQMium, is fairly unstable. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved
compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent with excessive
amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining
unchanged. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the
number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Scientists
are looking into them.
Notice: This company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone
gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
It's called the Hindlick Maneuver.
|
Back to Jokes
Home