Santa Squiffy's Christmas Grotto
Help Me Raise £20,000 for the MSRC this Christmas!
Have a Happy, Safe and Wonderful Christmas! Anyone for Eggnog?
Squiffy
Gran's Christmas When I asked my Gran what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, "The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends." Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she doesn't seem too happy.
British Rail British Rail have sacked several of their managers for putting models of Rudolph and his pals on top of their Ticket Offices. They strongly deny that this is another example of Political Correctness gone mad. They just don't want staff with high deers above their station.
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN ... Who's jolly and cute, Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh, Then let's face it my friend.... Your eggnog's too strong!
Christmas Affliction
Q: Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
Politically Correct Christmas And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that." Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes. Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. "They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise- person among the lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.
Christmas in the kebab shop A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
 Stressed Santa When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Christmas Credit Q. Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Christmas Wrapping My wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if I didn't help, I'd be in big, big trouble, so I helped. However, she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may still be in trouble anyway.
Dear Satan,
This year for christmas I would like a god...
Australian Jungle Bells
Dashing through the bush,
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Engine's getting hot;
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Come the afternoon,
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas Surprise Imagine my surprise, as I was getting the decorations down, I found a Christmas present from last year on top of the wardrobe. The kids were all excited as I opened the box. Shame it was a puppy.
 Chinks in the Armour Sir Granville knew he faced a fierce battle from the invading Celtic hoards. He felt he could defeat the invaders even though his forces had been weakened by the previous battles. He sent his page to his closest neighbouring lord, Sir Simon, and requested assistance. Fearing an invasion of his own territory, Simon sent back only one of his knights to help Granville during the coming battle. The expected battle ensued, and the lord's forces were virtually unharmed. There was only one major casualty, the knight sent by Simon who, though alive, had received multiple sword wounds to his chest and abdomen. The page was sent from battle to notify his lord of the results, He happily reported the success of the lord's troops but was saddened to report "Sy's lent knight's a holey knight."
Christmas Leave Booking Form
Please complete and return to the HR Department as soon as possible.
 Xmas Groaners
Q: What do elves learn in school?
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Q: What kind of bird can write?
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
Q: Olive?
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze. Ah, Christmas.. Christmas, The time when everyone gets Santamental......
Atheist
Q. What is an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
Christmas Dinner With The Family As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore - downtown! If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go! You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
RINDERCILLA: A TAIRY FALE Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other. While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! "Rindercella," she asked, "Shry do you why?" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible tork. Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night. As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin, Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper. Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last. Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!
Christmas Parrot A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a coluorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing..."Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Winter Wonderland You know the melody; here are the Lyrics......
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
Later on, if you wanna,
Naming the baby The three wise men came to visit the newborn, guided by the star of Bethlehem. The first two wise men entered house, greeted Mary and not knowing the baby's name preceded to offer the simple gifts, at the same time in walked the third wise man. A simple man, and a tall lanky guy who didn't quite get down low enough to get under the door. A huge crack was heard as he whacked his head on the lintel and out came the shout, "Jesus Christ!" upon which Mary proclaimed, "quick, get a pen, that name's better than Derrick!"
Breakdown Santa's sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. Flagging down a passing motorist he said, "Please can you help me fix my sleigh?". The motorist replied, "Sorry Santa but I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist". Santa said, "Well, can you give me a toe then?".
Nativity Play At a primary school the teacher decided to have the children do a Christmas play one year. She told her pupils that if they forgot their lines they should ad-lib instead of just standing there. All went well until the three Wise Men made their entrance "Baby Jesus, here is your gold," said the first. "Baby Jesus, here is your frankincense," offered the second. The third Wise Man forgot the name of his gift and froze. "Say something," whispered the teacher from the wings. The boy peered into the manger and exclaimed, "Ooh, he looks just like his dad, doesn't he?"
Hazards of Chrstmas Partying I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father......"
Christmas Present Dear Diary, Yesterday, there was a book-signing at the local bookshop, so I went in, bought a copy of the book and asked the author to sign it. "My wife likes your books," I remarked, " and I thought I'd give her this signed copy for a Christmas present." "A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author. "I'll say," I agreed. "She's expecting a Lexus."
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
The Twelve Days of Christmas December 14, 2008
My dearest darling John:
My love always, *************************************************** December 15, 2008
Dearest John:
All my love, **************************************************** December 16, 2008
Dear John:
All my love, **************************************************** December 17, 2008
Dear John:
Affectionately, **************************************************** December 18, 2008
Dearest John:
All my love, **************************************************** December 19, 2008
Dear John:
Cordially, ****************************************************** December 20, 2008
John:
Sincerely, ******************************************************* December 21, 2008
O.K. Buster: Agnes ********************************************************* December 22, 2008
Hey Shithead:
You'll get yours ! *********************************************************** December 23, 2008
You rotten bastard: Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you ! Agnes ********************************************************** December 24, 2008
Listen Numbnuts: Your sworn enemy, Agnes ************************************************************* December 25, 2008 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Roberson at Happy Days Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Under the Mistletoe
Santa And The Civil Aviation Authority Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Authority, and it was shortly before Christmas when the CAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" Santa asked, The examiner winked and said, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine during takeoff."
Confession Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
Chrisnukah Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.
Santa is Dead! Shocking news....
Hangover Ratings
1*
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5*****
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Merry Christmas* * From me ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially-responsible, politically-correct low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a financially-successful, personally-fulfilling, and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally-accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or dietary preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that- * This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal; * This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged; * This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes; * This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor; * This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first; * The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor; AND, * Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
A man walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up, the traditional toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the man says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"
The teacher was very curious how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on Patrick. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home real late and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice Patrick. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. " Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Feldstein, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Getting fit for Christmas You are recommended to do this three times a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and them relax. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb sacks. Then 50-lb sacks and eventually try to get where you can lift a 100-lb sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
Death at Christmas An Englishman, Canadian and an American all have the misfortune to die on Christmas Day. They arrive at the Pearly Gates only to be told by a somewhat wobbly St. Peter "We're closed. Boss's birthday. Come back tomorrow." Obviously our heroes are a bit miffed at this treatment, so they ring the bell again. After some argument, St. Peter agrees to let them in, provided they bring something festive. So they all fly back to Earth to find something suitable. The Englishman comes back first. He has a bough of holly. St. Peter nods, but not too vigorously, and lets him in. Next the Canadian comes back. He has a sprig of mistletoe. St. Peter looks up for a bleary instant and gives him the go-ahead to enter the kingdom of heaven. Lastly, the American arrives. St. Peter is starting to feel better now, so he detects a rum 'un when he sees that the American is carrying a pair of ladies undergarments (a pair of undergarments from one lady, not from a pair of ladies). "'Ang on, 'ang on", slurs the angel, "They're not festive!". "Yes they are," replies the American. "they're Carol's".
Christmas with the Skywalkers After a long, drawn out, light sabre duel, Luke has again evaded the clutches of the evil Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Hiding in the shadows Luke was surprised to hear the mechanical breathing of his father getting closer.
{fx: heavy breathing in a bucket} Luke does not reply and sits in the dark clearing his mind of all thought to avoid his fathers dark powers.
{fx: heavy breathing in a bucket} Totally confused by this Luke jumps out from his hiding place to confront his father. "How, how do you know what I'm getting for Christmas ?"
{fx: heavy breathing in a bucket}
Christmas greetings ... ... from a zoologist: We fish ewe a bear egrets moose panda hippo gnu year.
Name change This has just been unearthed by Professor Barnabus Squiffus - the great Biblical Archeologist...... On a tiny fragment of Papyrus was found the following, And Gabriel said unto Mary...... "Oh, and just one other thing Sharon, God wants you to change your name to to Mary."
Fancy Dress Party I went to the first party of the Christmas season this weekend. It was a Theme Fancy Dress party and I spent ages making my costume. So I arrived at the party and took my coat off in the hall and then stood there in embarrassment - you know how it is when all the other guests are wearing something totally different to you. Everyone else was wearing outfits from the 18th and 19th centuries, you know, frills and bodices and flouncy skirts for the women, men in tights and tunics with swords at their sides and there was I, covered from head totoe in cotton-wool and towels (with wings) and with tampons hanging from me by the string thinking "Uhh, so that's what 'Period Dress' means..."
Christmas, eh?
My wife has the same opinion of Christmas as she has about sex!
Diamond A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Queen's Present What's the Queen giving Camilla for Christmas? A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
On Christmas eve, a Scottish father of 4, armed with a shotgun went to his back garden and fired a single shot in the air. He then went back inside and informed his children that Father Christmas had committed suicide.
Rating Your Party If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today and call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Three: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level Four: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four. The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture. If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it: Police: Good evening. Are you the host? You: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. You: About the drugs? Police: No. You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbours? Police: No, the neighbours fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down.
Reindeer What do the female reindeer at night time ?? Go into town and blow a few bucks.
25 Christmas ideas to torture your roomate... 1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor. 2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.. 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.. 4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town...". 5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.. 6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year.". 7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.. 8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night."). 9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.. 10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth...". 11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.. 12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!". 13. Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.". 14. Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!". 15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!". 16. Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.. 17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.. 18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends "give it a yank.". 20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.". 21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.. 22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturaly.. 23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping...". 24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn.". 25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it..
Bernard With Xmas just around the corner, will you all please spare a thought for Bernard the Brown-nosed Reindeer. Bernard's the one behind Rudolph but he can't stop as fast !!
"Jesus and the Elves" And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherdsand said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to bestrolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbolswere not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like aNativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a brightidea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,too," he said. "No court can resist that." Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine waspainting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society inwinter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes. Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.
Christmas Gift A man goes into a pet shop to buy his wife a gift. So he asks the clerk for something special. The clerk walks over to the bird section. "This is Ches. He was trained to sing Christmas carols. Watch." The clerk lights a match and puts it under one of Ches' feet. The parrot immediately starts to sing 'Jingle Bells'. "Why that's amazing!", exlaims the guy. The clerk lights another match and puts it under the other foot. This time the parrot starts singing 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.' By this time the man is sold on the parrot, and so he pays the clerk and takes the parrot home to his wife. He lights a match and demonstrates Ches' unique ability. The guy then lights a second match and does the same thing. The wife and the guy enjoy the evening with their new pet. A couple of days later, the wife asks the man, "What would happen if you put a match between his feet?" The guy shrugs his shoulders and walks over to Ches, lights a match, and puts it between the parrot's feet. "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire ....!"
Turkey Kills! To you turkey eaters, here's an early Christmas warning: Turkey kills! Just like crack, like alcohol, like handguns. Oh, it seems innocent. But turkey contains tryptophan. Tryptophan (n.): a crystalline amino acid, C11H12N2O2, that is widely distributed in proteins and which can cause drowsiness if ingested. So picture this: You're with the in-laws, knocking back the white meat. The dark meat. The cranberry sauce. The roast potatoes And then more fowl. You don't realize how much turkey you've had until it's too late. Way too late. It's time for you to drive home. But you're in no condition. You can't keep your eyes open. Your head starts to nod. Where was that turn? It's right up here somewhere... And that's the last thing you'll think as the 18-wheel semi hits you broadside. Knocking the stuffing right back out of your ass. Don't let this happen to you!
Panty Liners But it's just for the Christmas period!
Christmas The dustmen are speaking to me.............
Danish Beer I bought them both a beer, but no sooner had we cracked open the cans and begun to drink them, then Olf spluttered, shoved down the window and hurled his can out. "Bloody foul rubbish!" he shouted, "why doesn't this line stock decent Danish Railways lager?". "Goodness", I remarked to Sven, "he seems to have firm opinions on this!". "Oh yes", said Sven, "Rude Olf the Ted knows train beer".
Chipminks Roasting On An Open Fire (Sung to the tune "The Christmas Song" by Nat "King" Cole)
Chipmunks roasting
Machine gun fire,
Everybody knows,
Tiny tots,
They know that Santa's
And every mother's child
And so I'm offering
Although it's been said Merry Christmas.... to You.
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Help Me Raise £20,000 for the MSRC this Christmas!
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